Say you realized they gaslighted you 2 days ago, so you asked for time to process the discussion. Now, you have to reconnect to address this.
Thats not gaslighting, thats being dodgey and possibly signs of past traumas being projected onto you.
I think this is astute. To OP, it may feel like gaslighting because they only see one side of the coin. Viewing it from her point of view, if she’s been with violent people before it makes sense that she would be nervous of it happening again.
OP, it might be time for a good talk with her, not asking her directly, but reassuring her that she doesn’t have to worry about you becoming violent. That you’ll prove to her that that isn’t who you are. You don’t need to know what happened in her past, but your actions will speak loudly.
Communication is key in relationships, and helping her here will build a strong foundation. If you’d like I don’t think it’d hurt to explain that you felt shocked by her response, but that you hope that your response in talking will help pave the way for future communication.
Yup, all the edits on gaslighting, OP doesn’t get it. This feels like past trauma and projection to me. They likely need compassion and understanding, not anything else.
The term “gaslighted” is used to mean a lot of different things these days…we might need a little more info on what transpired to be able to provide any helpful advice
Agreed. Traditionally, “gaslighting” is specific to cases where a manipulator tries to convince the other person that they are crazy over time. The end goal is to make the other person doubt their reality so much that they will only rely on the manipulator. Basically, it’s a conscious attempt to brainwash someone.
This comes from a story where a “husband secretly dims and brightens the indoor gas-powered lighting but insists his wife is imagining it, making her think she is going insane.” All so that he can steal from her. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslighting#cite_note-8
Unfortunately many today misuse this term to mean something closer to the definition of “lying” or when someone is trying hard to influence you…
Shit, gaslighting can simply mean ‘disagreeing’ nowadays. I can’t even remember how long it’s been since I’ve seen it used in the “proper” sense.
Can you elaborate? I feel like this kind of discussion needs detailing to produce answers worth listening to.
This is way too vague to provide any useful response.
Do you know if you want to keep seeing them? If you do, or if you aren’t sure yet, I think you just need more info. They might have experience with a violent ex, and so they’re hyper-tuned to worry “what if this person I like suddenly becomes violent.” Talking about an ex would definitely be a trigger for a lot of violent people, so it makes sense she was worried about that topic specifically. Anyways, maybe sit them down and say something like:
“Thanks for giving me a little time to process things, so I wouldn’t say something I didn’t mean. I was surprised when you said you were afraid I might become violent, as I’ve never been violent with another person, and I don’t think my behavior is even very aggressive.” (Assuming that’s true about you, which I can’t really know). “I want to know why you were worried about that possibility, and I don’t feel like you gave me a clear answer last time we spoke. That being said, I totally understand this might be a sensitive subject for you, so I don’t want to rush you if you’re not ready to talk about it. But I like you, and I want to get to know more about you, and it will be hard for me to feel comfortable continuing to see you if I don’t know what caused you to say what you did a couple days ago.”
Or hey, maybe you aren’t the best judge of yourself. Maybe include something in there like “If you feel like I have raised my voice or acted aggressively sometimes, I would really like to know, as I’m not aware of behaving like that. I promise I will be calm and collected if you want to tell me something like that.”
I dunno, or maybe ask ChatGPT, it can probably write up something pretty good.
Oh yeah, but in summary, I think you are assuming her intentions were malicious due to your saying she’s gaslighting you, when I’m not really 100% sure that’s the case yet. I’d give her a chance to explain, but if y’all keep seeing each other, just keep an eye out for any further weirdness.
OP you need to recheck the definition of gaslighting. It’s when someone tries to impose a false reality and make you question your sanity by intentionally lying to you.
What this person did was simply misjudge how you would react to some information. That happens all the time. Just recently my gf avoided telling me something because she was worried I would like her less if she told me. She was incorrect as the thing she wanted to tell me didn’t bother me at all. That’s not gaslighting, it’s just an insecurity.
I have an inkling that she isn’t the one at fault…
Your repeated asking and pushing etc. caused her to look for some kind of defense.
Better let it go, and let her go.
I know it in my heart.
But I know it in my stubborn mind ;-)
this right here, like i seriously don’t understand what op is looking for from us, uh if she gaslit you so bad then why care? what’s the worth? what are you going to do? like just stop talking to her if it’s on her, she doesn’t owe the guy anything still he’s here trying to put her on trial on the internet, weird af, i’d probably lie to op too if i was stuck having to be personable to the guy, imagine she found this, i’d know dude had my murder planned up for sure
I don’t understand why people don’t think you were not being manipulated here, this sounds like typical gaslighting.
They sound self-absorbed, so they see things their own way and want you to also see things their way, even if that means changing what happened.
After only 6 weeks and at least three attempts at manipulation, you should calmly and plainly tell them with very specific undeniable examples that you realize they are changing the facts in these stories to get you to agree with them and you need them to stop that.
If they have a rational, calm response to you explaining why you need them to stop gaslighting you, then okay.
If they ovverreact or get unreasonably angry and immediately blame you(“well, you…”) then you should probably stop spending less time with that person, better none.
Thank you! I’m here asking for advice on how to respond to gaslighting, and people are telling me it’s not gaslighting. I don’t have to prove with specific details that it’s gaslighting as if I’m in a fight with them. Yet, when I provide the details anyway, I’m told it is not gaslighting. I’m thinking they’re trolling me by gaslighting me further or theyre just that unhealthy.
Additionally with this girl, these are only the gaslighting attempts. There have been a few other manipulation tactics used as well. I rather not share them, but they were quite concerning on their own.
I will absolutely not tolerate any gaslighting, and I gave her the benefit of the doubt twice in 6 weeks just in case I’m wrong anyway. I really rather end it. I just don’t know how to do it without making it a major issue or hinting at blaming her in anyway whatsoever.
The way you respond to gaslighting is you cut contact with the person who’s gaslighting you.
Yea, that makes sense, there’s no point banging your head about it unless there’s a compelling reason to stay, especially after 6 weeks.
Manipulation is particularly difficult because they might not be fully aware that they’re doing it and they can obviously get better at it every time you bring it up if you are being honest and they’re not.
Sounds like it’s time to break this off, best of luck.
The fact that only replied to the person agreeing with you and not the 10 people who disagreed with you is pretty telling.
Stop gaslighting me!
Whether she’s right or not, you’re definitely making an error here. Let me explain:
No, the first one is definitely not gaslighting. Gaslighting is making you question (perceived) reality. Like you explained further down. And in this case she might as well be insecure, or afraid of you (because of her past possibly, it doesn’t necessarily have to do with you, she could very well have past trauma from other people and fall back into that kind of thinking. Being bullied before… etc.) And something hypothetical and a subjective emotion isn’t reality, so the term doesn’t apply to this.
And I’m also not sure about the next example… If you’re getting into an argument… “Humoring her” and pushing her into a corner (argumentatively)… That’s not super healthy and straightforward. People do all kinds of things when pushed. They’ll argue and sometimes use fallacies and invalid arguments. But that’s more because you’re pushing and teasing her. Not necessarily malice or a manipulation technique. She might as well not see other responses. Judge her under normal circumstances. In everyday life, not just in the bad situations.
It feels like there also are some unhealthy vibes coming from you. You’re not really listening but set on the fact that it’s gaslighting. So you’re the opposite of open and approachable concerning what’s the ‘real’ reality. And already that isn’t a good foundation for a healthy relationship.
Obviously she’s insecure about something. Have you tried talking about that? And why she feels that way? Or are you just attributing everything to malice?
And most importantly: You have to draw a distinct line between facts and emotion. If you’re violent or what you did yesterday is a fact. That’s objective and can be either true or wrong. An emotion however, isn’t a fact. It can’t be wrong per definition. And everyone is entitled to feel things. They’re automatically correct. I can feel threatened, sad, thirsty… All kinds of things despite a situation calling for the opposite feeling. That’s how the human mind works. And sometimes feelings are counterfactual. You absolutely have to allow people to feel things.
And you have to address them. If you go ahead and say: “No, you can’t feel that way…” Now you’re the one gaslighting her. Because if she isn’t lying and really feels insecure or threatened… And you’re now invalidating her feelings and say she can’t feel that way. I’m sorry, that is gaslighting from your side! She clearly feeling something and you’re saying it can’t be true… That’s gaslighting.
The correct approach is to talk to each other. But in a healthy way. Validate her. Say you respect her and accept that she’s a human and feels things. Ask her why she feels that way because you’re pretty sure you’re not violent at all. And then for god’s sake, don’t push her into a corner and squeeze information out of her. Just listen…
So… I’m not saying she is or is not gaslighting. I’m not sure because all I know is your side. But it really feels like you’re contributing to making things worse. I also don’t attribute malice to you, you also have your past and maybe your feelings are valid because you’ve been gaslighted before and are (undestabdably) sensitive for that whole topic. And all you can do is choose how to react to that. I’d say you got to find a way to respect each others feelings, or the relationship is bound to fail.
OP, please read the comments about past trauma. 6 weeks is nowhere near enough time to be open about past traumatic events. I can fully understand how this feels like gaslighting, and you should certainly make a conscious decision that’s right for your mental health, but there is more going on under the surface. These could be things that have happened to her in the past, and she’s not ready to talk about them.
*gaslit
Idk what “gaslighted” means in this context. Six weeks though is nothing. If I’m not vibing with someone within the first six weeks, then I’m just going to move on. There’s no serious investment, no reason not to move on to try to find someone I’m more compatible with and who I don’t feel gaslit by. No harm (hopefully?), no foul.
