I bet this sounds like a stupid question - especially coming from a man. However, NoStupidQuestions doesn’t allow NSFW topics, so here I am - bear with me.
I genuinely don’t know what this feels like from the inside. I see so many men go to extreme lengths to chase women - sometimes even risking their careers or relationships just to get laid. Some are literally willing to pay for it. I don’t get it. What does that pull actually feel like?
I’m not judging - I’m trying to understand. I only know what it looks like from the outside, but I have no idea what it’s like on the inside. I’ve had sex multiple times, and it’s fine, but it seems vastly overrated to me. Clearly, I’m not getting out of it what most other men are, so I’m trying to understand the baseline experience.
My motivation for asking is that I’m working on myself and hoping that, eventually, I’ll be able to feel even a fraction of that same pull. However, with things like lifting weights, I at least have a clear image in mind of what I’m working toward - but it’s harder to define that when it comes to subjective experiences.
You are acknowledging this is NSFW but didn’t use the NSFW flag?
I feel like text can never be NSFW.
To me, NFSW is for stuff that people could see over your shoulder in the subway or in an open space, idk.
Idk I think text can be NSFW. Really in the sense that it’s literally not safe for work. If someone saw you reading this thread at work that might not be a good look.
Anyways, I’m not even complaining or saying that I really think this is NSFW. Just that OP thinks it is, yet still didn’t use the flag.
Like slipping into a daydream during a long day after a night with little sleep.
Imagine your pants getting smaller.
Instructions unclear, ate burgers for 10 years and gained 30kg.
I’m a man with crippling depression and anxiety who has never had sex or been in a relationship. I jerk off sometimes three times a day (exception rather than the rule) to porn I fucking hate. When I try to watch something I actually like I can’t seem to get hard enough. My therapist I used to see says it’s not even me being horny it’s loneliness combined with touch starvation. So, I don’t know if I can even answer in a way that’s helpful now that I’m thinking of it. It seems what I thought of as being horny is a coping mechanism. Though I will say being horny is like being drunk, it can cloud your judgment. Testosterone is a hell of a drug. That’s all I can say with certainty.
Idk, what does it feel like to not be horny?
Its like when I randomly think “I could really do with a corneto”, " I could do with a smoke". “I could do with a shag”. Its an implosive thought and like others it doesn’t serve much beyond enjoyment.
For me, being horny is akin to having just eaten something salty and feeling thirsty. You will usually drink, but if you’re unable to, you’ll still be fine for a while.
When I’m horny, I want to have sex, but it’s not absolutely essential and I can do without.
Horniness is the thirst and it can be fully quenched by having sex with a woman and achieving orgasm. Like most sexually active men, I have a built-in procreative urge. This gives me a natural desire to impregnate a woman that I’m having sex with. Which is why condoms are important, you can trick your brain into feeling like you’ve achieved your natural purpose without actually doing it 😁
Every time you try to focus on anything besides wanting to cum your brain redirects you to that desire.
It takes some mental control to stay focused when the horny flares up.
Even if you masterbate, it usually only subsides for a few hours before the intrusive thoughts start popping up again.
The intensity of the feeling died down a lot after puberty was done with me.
As someone with a low libido (and possibly on the ace spectrum), these replies have been interesting, and I gotta say, despite the problems it can cause, I’m kinda glad I’m this way. I know about having strong cravings for things, but having such cravings for other people sounds awful.
Yeah, I’ve felt my high libido or whatever to be somewhat of a curse sometimes. It’s sometimes very distracting and hard to stop thinking about. It’s also caused me to make a lot of poor decisions in my life. Thankfully, my libido has chilled out a bit as I’ve got older; used to be hard for no reason for about half the day when I was younger and had to masturbate before leaving my home for class/work just so I could focus better, lol.
The flipside of this coin, is that a lot of people want to feel desired. Having someone who active craves you, can satisfy that desire.
Yeah, it drives a lot of people to violence, self harm, and suicide. Like look at how hateful incels are, because of how they are deprived of sexual and intimate craving.
I tend to agree. If only I could find a partner with equally low interest for sex. So far it has been the opposite which naturally causes issues.
One thing I’d be curious about for you, if you’d be open to it, would be looking for someone in the poly community. Obviously people in the poly community tend to be on the more sexual side of the spectrum, but not all such people are always exclusively about sex. Counter-intuitively you may be able to find someone in that community that can go your speed, not because they live at that speed naturally, but because you aren’t their only outlet for that stuff, so they may be fine with you being just a romantic partner. And there’s no reason you need to have multiple partners, so long as you’re okay with your partner having multiple partners.
The most obvious risk is if you’re romantically jealous, besides the more obvious sexually jealous. That may be a deal-breaker. And if you’re looking for someone to be with you at all times, that’s probably not going to work either.
But if you approach it was openness and a “what have I got to lose” attitude, you may be able to find some low-pressure companionship!
Quick note if you look into it: you may see the term “solo poly”. And you may think this either means a poly person currently only with a single partner, or maybe a poly person that is currently unpartnered. These would be good guesses but also wrong! Solo poly is a person who essentially has relationships with other people, but always secondary to their relationship with themselves. Effectively they’re not looking to move in together or “get too serious” or whatever, just dating, and they maintain a “solo lifestyle”. This doesn’t have to mean nothing is long term, it doesn’t have to mean it’s only casual hookups, but if you’re looking for a life partner or someone to wake up next to every morning or do taxes with, this isn’t their vibe.
Good luck!
I was in an open relationship with my ex, and I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s not for me. I understand that polyamory isn’t the same thing, but honestly, I think that would be even worse. I can handle the idea of her having sex with other guys - but the thought of her having romantic feelings for them is something I just can’t bear. I’m done with that kind of setup.
Right now, I’m focusing on dealing with my porn (and weed) addiction to see if quitting those changes anything. I’m also open to the idea of dating another guy - something I haven’t tried yet. But if neither of those things works out, and I can’t find a partner who’s okay with very little or no sex, then I guess that’s just the end of dating for me.
Fully understandable… almost. I’ll admit I’m a little confused to hear there’s a porn addiction in the mix. Not in a judgement kinda way, porn can be fine for some people, but I don’t normally associate heavy porn usage with low-libido?
Again, neither is inherently wrong, I’m just surprised and wonder if maybe I misread the situation, you know?
Here’s what I responded to other user about this:
Porn and masturbation feel good. It’s the physical stimulation I’m addicted to - porn just amplifies it. You can even take it further with porn, drugs, and masturbation combined. It’s not about having an itch that I’m trying to get rid of; it’s about the sensation of scratching it that I crave. I start watching porn and masturbating first, and only then does the feeling of “horniness” follow. The idea of walking around with that itch - without having first triggered it through stimulation - is completely foreign to me. And honestly, I don’t need anyone else to scratch it for me - I’m better at it myself.
Here’s the full exhange incase you’re interested
Amen
For me, as someone with serious libido issues, its unbearable, I want it constantly and cannot sate it. I get maybe 15 minutes of clarity after getting some, then my brain is back to see immediately after. Its a curse for me, I’ve been talking to a doctor but I don’t know what to do. Honestly, it feels good, like really good. But afterwards I feel terrible, like why did I want that so much? But I feel like my experience is an odd one.
Right there with you buddy. Unfortunately I don’t have an answer other than trying to hyperfocus on other things and avoid shit that gets you going.
So a medication I take increases libido. I already had a very high libido.
What helped a lot was having an iron will.
What helped more was having that will forged into steel by having my hand and arm injured. I have become like a monk now at holding it back and keeping focus.
Bonus points I can now basically get through pain or missy anything through sheer willpower alone (note: this could be a bad thing too, like not throwing up when you ate something bad and should have).
Is this some sort of alpha male post? Wtf are you on about?
Looks to me like they are on about some shared life experience
That is not how that reads
NoStupdQuestions doesn’t allow NSFW topics
[email protected] was created explicitly for NSFW questions.
Most big instances, including the one I’m on doesn’t federate with NSFW instances.
Your home instance says that it’s federated with lemmynsfw.com.
https://lemmynsfw.com/instances
Lemmynsfw.com says that it’s federated with your home instance of feddit.uk.
Are you sure that you don’t just have NSFW communities blocked in your settings? In the vanilla Lemmy Web UI, it’s a checkbox labeled “Show NSFW content”.
In either case, this is still bigger community and it allows NSFW topics. The point was that this felt like more apporopriate for NoStupidQuestions than AskLemmy.
It’s like a drug. Like when you’re around a person you’re attracted to and they’ll say or do something that triggers shot of chemicals to your brain and all you can think about is how to get more of that feeling, which sucks if it wasn’t intentional on their part and they’re not interested in you because now you have to fight against basically a drugged state to shut that shit down while trying to be normal around them. Jerking off produces the same feeling but there’s something missing that makes it less satisfying than being with another person.
I can answer this one pretty definitely as I have been on both hormones. Being in a horny spiral as a man has the same pull as being in an emotional spiral as a woman. It’s hard to get out of until you fuck/interact with someone that makes you feel better. Men are just as emotional as women, but only with fucking, fighting, fleeing, and feeding (the parts of the brain that testosterone stimulates). Women are just as emotional as men, but with all of the other emotions that men don’t usually have to deal with
You know when you’re talking to someone and they have maybe a crumb or flake on their face, and you can’t help but be drawn to watch it just in case it falls, but whether it does or doesn’t fall that wouldn’t impact you in any way? But it’s distracting anyway?
That’s all women’s chests. I’m not lecherous, I have a wife and female friends, I’m vigilant and keep it in check, but I’m compelled to check on them over and over. My wife’s, stranger’s, doesn’t matter. Even if I’ve seen my wife’s every day while she was changing for 11 years. What if they were to sway a certain way? What if there was a slight bounce and I missed it? What if the fabric became taut and revealed a line beneath. Or a shape. Perhaps a slight nub in the center? Was that there a second ago? Does that mean anything? I’d better check back to see if it changes again. The buttons on her blouse are slightly stretched, and if she moves just right I may be able to see a glimpse of skin. Not breast skin, goodness no, just any skin currently covered by the shirt. If I’m lucky it’ll have some shadow on it to imply shape. This dress has a dip in the front. I wonder if I could… It would never reveal anything. It wouldn’t. But what if it did. I can’t know unless I look. This shirt is slightly sheer in the light. What’s beneath?
The fabric stretched across her backside displays lines when she bends slightly forward. Now I know she’s wearing underwear. I mean, of course she is, everyone is… but now I know she is. And its shape. Her bum looks soft. Cushioned. If I were up against it I could really- No! No. But I could. And it would press against me. Stop it. And I could reach forward from behind, slide my hands up her sides and cup her- No! No Goddammit! They look like they’d be soft. In my hands.
The older woman in black’s shirt just slid slightly up above her waistline, revealing a sliver of skin. There was nothing unexpected or special about this skin. It wasn’t overtly attractive, but I saw it. It was covered and I saw it. Does she know I saw it? I’m glad I saw it.
The waitress in the tight shirt smiled at me. She’s younger than me, but not too young. Right? No. I mean, it’d be a little creepy, but not like… creepy creepy right? And maybe she’s into that? Probably not, it’s clearly all about tips. She’s a professional, she knows what she’s doing. Yeah she does… Besides, what could even happen. I’m getting dinner, with my wife, and she probably doesn’t even get off for hours. But… just statistically some younger women are into older guys right? And I’m not complete dogshit. It’s clearly about just being nice, it’s part of the service industry. Is it so unbelievable that any woman could find me attractive? Is that fucking impossible? No but- She smiled while looking into my eyes. That’s something right? No. It’s not, I was just passing the machine back to her after paying. Her lips look soft. Maybe no one’s ever kissed her well before. Like sure she’s probably had a lot of male interest, but they were probably all douchebags. They probably didn’t even care about her pleasure. I could. I mean I would. Like, if I weren’t here and she weren’t here and we met at a different time and place and things were casual, I think she’d be lucky for me to show her… What the fuck am I even…
When she turned to leave a thin line of her underwear flashed briefly above her yoga pants. Now I know they’re blue.
Well written this is exactly it, but it’s only half of it.
It’s even worse when I’m horny for someone specific and she’s not around. Too many days I’ve found myself unable to focus on anything, walking around in a living daydream where she is there. In front of me everywhere I look. Distracting me from whatever I’m trying to do. I can’t break out of it to be fully in the present
Wow, if there was any dount I was demi before you removed it
Glad I could help 😛
Naturally, normal qualifiers apply: everyone exists at some place on a spectrum, this does not describe all experiences, etc.
But given the numbers and vibe of comments, it seems like it resonates with some people who aren’t you 😉
wow this is really good writing, answering such a complex question so thoroughly
This is the answer I was trying to put into words.
oh man the I need to look at the person and not stare there but also not avoid staring there. I always fail and pretty much end up moving from looking at the forehead and sorta above each shoulder. The really annoying thing is I know the woman can totally tell im trying to keep my gaze of them.
Ugh, same. Back when I was married both in spirit and law, there was a nice, well-endowed bartender at my local. I had no designs on anything at all, wanted to just have regular ol’ barfly-bartender platonic chatter. Here was my inner monologue:
Don’t stare at her boobs, don’t stare at her boobs, oh god I’m looking at her boobs, look UP you fucking creep she doesn’t need that shit; ok, maybe just identify all the liquor bottles behind her - THAT’S A FUCKING BOOB KNOCK IT OFF - k, Wisers, Captain Morgan’s, some coffee liqueur - wait, she said something. What did she say? Oh shit, she’s got the customer service scowl on and has covered herself. Congrats, Cracks, you are now officially one of the creepy guys, no better than the alkie dude who asks for hugs. God damn it - go play some pinball and go home.
Stupid lizard brain. Doesn’t happen all the time with every woman (thank fuck, that would be paralyzing), but awkward as fuck for everyone involved when it does.
Thing about tip jobs is that woman are much more likely to wear something low cut or whatnot. Work at least is almost the opposite were it was more a random choice made a particular day. Although that might make it worse like over time if the bartender is always wearing low cut things you might get used to it enough to ignore it. LOL. case in point dolly parton is on the telly atm and she is so recognizable I don’t feel I stare at her cleavage.
This exactly describes my relationship with women, AND food.
I am in a happy, loving, faithful relationship.
Morbid obesity is killing me.
When I say “I’m a pervert”, this is what I mean.
The recent thread (on .ml AskLemmy, maybe?) with transpeople who have experienced both kinds of horny was super illuminating for me.
Significant hunger is probably the closest thing to testosterone horny. It’s hard to ignore when you need to get some. Then again, it goes away once you (ahem) take care of it, so I don’t really get some of the most extreme things that end up happening.
Apparently estrogen horny is slow burning but doesn’t really go away, by comparison. OP in that thread said it’s actually more intense on estrogen, although in a different way, and now I understand the stupid relationship choices women make a little better.
Edit: Oh, I missed that you’re a man, OP. Obviously level of libido varies quite a bit.
