Imagine it differs per person, as with pretty much anything about us, a spectrum.

Would say it is mostly about having a real human connection filled with love and the good feels. Instinctual, comparable to how many women feel about ‘needing’ to have children. Consider it a base requirement for a fulfilling life, like shelter, food, water, air.

Some people appear to have enough loving only themselves in that way (or not at all); perhaps they just have not yet found the right person. Of the many ways to express love, this is one of the most basic.

Recurring, almost obsessive thoughts about certain acts and situations. Vivid imagination of how the body feels during the act. Both to a level where your objectives and priorities are narrowed down to achieving these feelings / situations / acts IRL. Inner tension that can only be relieved by reaching this goal.

Never change, Lemmy.

I suppose I was pretty horny as a teen. Had most of my life’s sex from 16-19. After that my interest waned, and I likewise never really understood why so many people seem willing to throw away their lives for 5 minutes of pleasure. There’s more free porn out there than you could watch in a lifetime.

Taking ssri’s since my early twenties probably didn’t exactly help my libido, but everything still works at the very least.

Closest analogy I can think of is hunger, only I am more motivated to satisfy one than the other. Guess which.

Something like this:

The Simpsons - Homer gives Bart advice on women

https://youtu.be/ToTRAhmnxls?t=35

Feels like a deep urge, short circuiting your brain to satisfy it. Like hunger or thirst. The longer I go without sexual attention, the more my brain starts to interpret everything as an opportunity for sex. When I satisfy it, it brings joy and release and calm. It’s fun, intimate and satisfy needs for closeness and touch.

It also feels deeply connected to a bunch of psychological stuff like the need for approval, gender affirmation, power dynamics, competitiveness and more.

I would say it’s like a strong appetite for food.

Imagine you just ate, you pass a street vendor and the food looks and smells delicious. You have the time, the money to stop and get some street food. Maybe it’s bad for your health, but it’s worth it in the moment.

I see so many men go to extreme lengths to chase women - sometimes even risking their careers or relationships just to get laid.

That’s dumb, it’s a strong desire and it can make you do dumb stuff like buying 2-3x the street food amount you can eat, but it’s not irresistible and the people who do dumb stuff just haven’t learned restraint.

Someone who cheats doesn’t cheat because they’re horny, they cheat because they never properly valued the relationship they’re in to begin with. Same for the career stuff, they probably got away with it so far, and they go too far like people go over the speed limit with their car. Whatever risk exists, they think it doesn’t apply to them or that situation.

eventually, I’ll be able to feel even a fraction of that same pull.

I don’t think it’s a thing you can train or learn, it’s too biological. And it’s not worth chasing that much. Staying with the food metaphor, some people love food so much, they travel, learn to cook, experiment, it’s a whole hobby. And others are fine with mostly eating the same food every day, use little spices and never learn even to cook good simple dishes like pasta with a decent sauce.

If it’s a problem in your relationship because your partner doesn’t feel valued that way, solve it the same way you answer what to eat: go along with what they want, surprise them with a visit to a restaurant you know they like etc… But also talk and explain to them that you will probably not change that way and they have to accept that.

I feel like there’s multiple answers to your question and none of them are going to completely satisfy you(ba-dum-tiss)

First and easiest, is addiction. While it’s been overused as an excuse for bad behavior some people become absolutely addicted to sex. From the chase to the event. Could be they enjoy conquering or being conquered. And you can’t discount the absolute flood of feel good chemicals that go on while the event does. And still there are others who are just addicted to that level of intimate connection with another living human being.

Then we have the psychological and romantic viewpoint that often comes with it. The idea of being desired and desiring. Of being wanted and wanting. And that’s a potent psychological trigger for a lot of people. And then on a deeper level you’ve got that some people this is the most intimate they’ll ever be with another person and that’s something they don’t get to feel very often So when the opportunity or presents itself they want to do that.

And lastly you just have a biological imperative in a lot of people. For some of us are hardwiring screams a lot louder than it does for other people.

Feels like hunger honestly, brain does start to short circuit, you stop thinking as deeply

For me, as someone with serious libido issues, its unbearable, I want it constantly and cannot sate it. I get maybe 15 minutes of clarity after getting some, then my brain is back to see immediately after. Its a curse for me, I’ve been talking to a doctor but I don’t know what to do. Honestly, it feels good, like really good. But afterwards I feel terrible, like why did I want that so much? But I feel like my experience is an odd one.

Sex can be fun, but tbh a lot of it is pretty underwhelming, especially if you don’t understand each other, put in some effort or have good chemistry. When my partner and I are on holiday or have lots of free time we often have sex three or four times a day. But that’s not because it’s always mind-blowing, most of the time it’s just a fun thing to do together.

The ‘horny man’ thing is a bit different. There’s a kinda of arousal and drive that isn’t really about the objective fun of sex, but the sense of pursuit. There’s people I’ve slept with where the specific sextime wasn’t necessarily amazing, but I had a huge crush on them and the feeling of satisfaction from finally hooking up was amazing. For me, that’s usually pretty innocent “oh wow, I didn’t know they liked me!” , but for some guys it’s about perceived status in quite a douchey Andrew Tate kinda way.

There’s also the genuine instinctual drive aspect. Times where I’ve not had sex in a while, and been thinking about it a lot (like visiting a long distance partner) it can make me pretty crazy. Especially if you do edging or orgasam denial, you can end up in a pretty delirious place. When that has built up for a while I definitely get to the stage where I will do super reckless things just to get release. For me, that’s never a big problem because I only get in that state through choice, if I’m not planning on having sex with my partner I’ll just jerk off and the urgency is gone. But the experience has given me a bit of understanding of why men sometimes do terrible and destructive things because of sex. I can literally feel my brain shutting down, and all sense of consequences disappearing.

MUST. BUST.
MUST. BUST.
MUST. BUST.
MUST. BUST.
MUST. BUST.
MUST. BUST.

I’ve experienced both sides, and there is definitely a different quality to the attraction and horny-ness. It’s hard to put my finger on or describe in a way that isn’t a cliche like “aggressive” and “raw”. It’s less romantic? It fills your mind a little, it’s impulsive, it doesn’t have the same yearning. At least for me.

For what it’s worth I prefer my attraction and sex now as a woman. Not to act as an internet doctor, but I definitely felt a bit like you when my testosterone was too low. All women have testosterone and having the wrong amount can affect sexual desire - it might be worth having yours checked.

I think I agree with your sentiment that sex is overrated. I quite enjoy it, but the way it is portrayed in media is usually more extreme than my own feelings and those of men around me.

I remember when I was around 16-18. I started to diet and exercise, was on the tail end of puberty in my physical prime and drenched in hormones. Went to high school and was surrounded by people my own age experiencing the same. Culture and marketing leads to high school girls constantly fighting with the adults and dress codes to wear skimpier, tighter clothing. I had my first girlfriend and we were both excited to start messing around. And there’s a philosophical component- why do we exist? We are a repeating pattern (DNA) that exists not for a reason, but because it can. Life that does not procreate dies, so in a sense procreation is the most life-y thing you can possibly do.

At the same time, I knew better. I was lucky to have sex education and not be in a very religious household. A couple of friends, and my first girlfriend, were victims of sexual assault. I had seen other men succumb to their desires, ruin their own lives, hurt people around them. Not to mention the very real threats of pregnancy and disease. So even while my physiology craved it and my philosophy guided me towards it, my mind pumped the brakes.

The physiology waned as I got older. Or perhaps just distracted with college and work, maintaining an apartment and then a house. My energy was directed elsewhere. My wife and I quickly settled on having sex roughly once a week.

About a year ago though, we created a polycule with another couple. It was really hard for me to keep up at first. I would have to watch my nutrition- make sure I don’t overwat or ear heavy and greasy foods beforehand. Make sure I was working out and physically active in general, but not a full workout right before or else my muscles would be too tired. Mentally, I would have to start purposefully thinking about sex for several hours beforehand to make sure I was in the right headspace and ready to perform. The past 3 months have been suddenly dry due to just calendar issues and some minor medical procedures in the group, so I’ve found myself in this routine of trying to be horny and keep up but suddenly without the payoff of it. I also have a touch of the 'tism and really like predictable routines and long-term planning while the other 3 people are bi-polar or severe ADHD, and they all seem to have little issue with going from cozy to horny almost instantly.

The actual feeling of horniness I think is similar to most other biological functions. Being hungry or thirsty or sleepy, needing to urinate or defecate. I view it similarly, ideally on a roughly 2-4 day cycle. Ejaculation, which leads to a period of post-nut clarity and calmness that slowly fades over a couple days. I’d find it difficult to get hard for a couple hours after, and difficult to cum again for at least 6, more like 24 hours after. By day 4 I noticed I start to get a little bit more irritable, a little bit more stressed out by little things. Longer than that and sexual thoughts start to interrupt my normal thoughts processes. Blue balls is real too. I know some men exaggerate the affect to manipulate women into sex, and some women have started to think blue balls isn’t real, but the reality is that it’s real minor inconvenience that I try to avoid.

The Wolf of Wall Street scene where they talk about masturbating multiple times a day is hyperbole, but not entirely inaccurate. I think there’s a lot of value to a quick, utilitarian jack off for some cheap stress relief and clarity. Having sex with others is fun, but people obsess over it too much in my opinion.