To keep it short: my ex-wife cheated on me with this guy, we divorced, she married him immediately after. Since January we’ve been co-parenting, she has our son (14 years old) for 2 weeks & I have him for 2 weeks. Her now husband is wealthy, and for the winter holidays they plan on going to the Maldives for 3 weeks (I agreed to give up 1 week of my 2 weeks; gonna get +1 week with son after the vacation). Apparently son has been asking his mom and stepdad if I can come as well. So ex-wife calls me and asks me if I’d like to go, all expenses paid by them, just to be with our son and have some fun - and let’s “put all the bad blood behind”. I told her I’ll think about it, but honestly I don’t think I’d feel comfortable. At the same time going would make son extremely happy obviously. Idk.
Would your ex go if the situation was reversed? Would she be willing to “put all the bad blood behind”? Not if she had any self respect. Frankly, I think just asking you is an insult in itself. It puts the onus on you to be the “bad guy”.
Your feelings are completely valid. Your son is old enough to understand the basics. DO NOT GO. She’ll ask, but don’t bother explaining why. She lost her right to know your heart when she betrayed you.
You’re allowed to not be ready to do something like that even if it would make your son happy. It’s okay to put up boundaries for your mental health.
This is the best answer.
This is a boundary I would definitely not cross. Not only would this fuck up my mental health, but there would definitely be some kind of argument that would happen during the trip that would just make the whole experience regrettable and worsen the situation between all parties.
If I were OP I would definitely say no and instead explain to the boy why it’s not possible.
At 14 years old, the boy can probably understand.
Well he obviously wants to spend time with his dad, which is great.
Maybe OP can find other activities to do on vacation. Like renting a cabin or cottage somewhere near a lake or river. I know I loved to go on fishing trips with my dad. Or doing campfires and roasting marshmallows, etc. I miss the 1on1 time we spent together.
Don’t do it
There is no way you should do this. Not only are you clearly having reservations to begin with, but you need to keep your dignity intact, too. The whole affair is just going to be rubbed in your face. You deserve better than that.
While your ex may be coming from a ‘good place’ she shouldn’t have asked, out of respect.
Your kid has feelings about the divorce but he’s going to have to adapt to this new reality that your ex chose for him
This comment really just hits every nail on the head for me. It could be that the ex is feeling bad for what happened, but wants to divert the blame/bad feelings onto OP.
It’s also rich to me when the cheating partner is ready to “put all the bad blood behind them” as if they don’t want to live in the stink of what they did any more. They’re happy now, why can’t you also be happy with them? Etc etc. As if they didn’t blow up everyone’s life with their choices.
I lived through this one, as a kid. It sucks all around. I’m now older than my parents when they split, and have an assload of insight into the matter. I carefully watched the whole thing unfold over 25 years, before I was out of the ordeal, living on my own, and away from watching the two people I cared about most be nothing but complete shitbags to one another.
They’re happy now, why can’t you also be happy with them?
Oh how wonderful, maybe at one point they can sit around the campfire, eat smores, and sing kumbaya
One downside here is the kid is going to be told, at least as far as he can understand it, that daddy didn’t want to go. And the kid, not understanding the nuance of the situation, won’t understand that it’s because mommy fucked up their relationship.
If it were me, I’d go and do my best to enjoy the trip. Babysitting duty doesn’t sound so bad when it’s your own kid and you get to share travel experiences with them.
If it was me, I’d milk that rich fuck as much as I could. I’ve no dignity, and I like trips.
Seriously though, you’re not me and if it makes you uncomfortable, you’ll have to decide if it’s worth it. The kid will get over it, though. Just hope that they don’t resent the weeks they have with you-- I got that way with my parents and petty kid I was, it was just a matter of my dad having a computer w/ Internet and my mom not. For that reason, it might be important to listen to your kid and their values.
My gut says fuck no. My brain says have a frank, balanced discussion with your kid and decide from there.
I know my own answer would still be fuck no, but I don’t know you or your kid.
I’d do it just because my son wants me to. That’s more important to me than anything else. I have two boys. I’d do anything to make them happy.
Do you get a separate room? Tbh I’d go and spend the entire time getting laid and ordering expensive drinks through room service on this guy’s dime. Just figure out how to make sure you don’t get used for free babysitting. Work out a 50-50 coparenting schedule.
I mean, do what you’re comfortable with. But the bitter bitch in me says take the bastard for every cent you can and try to find a new tinder match every night. Maybe multiple if you can.
I get my own separate villa / bungalow.
Oooo, wait! See if they’ll pay for your new girlfriend to come too. It’s ok if you don’t have any candidates yet, they won’t be hard to get if there’s a free trip in it for them.
Definitely don’t introduce a stranger to your child on a family trip just to make your ex jealous and/or take advantage of their new partner. This is a shitty thing to do. Just spend the free vacation with your kid or don’t go if you can’t be civil.
It’s a 14 year old kid, they’re mostly self sufficient at that point. Whether you’re “stuck” babysitting or get to relax on your own I see it as a win-win. If the couple want to squander their vacation time solely with each other (in which case, why did they take the extra week from OP instead of just leaving the kid with him the whole time??) while OP gets to bond with their child on a free vacation, I just don’t see how that’s a punishment.
Leave it up to the kid, they’re the one that wanted their dad with them and the whole reason he’s invited.
Abandoning your kid, making them feel like a burden, to go fuck around with strangers, just to get back at an ex who happens to be the mother of your child, seems like an asshole move here. Please don’t do this OP.
Edit: OP is the father, my bad. Editing now.
I only saw one other comment talking about your son, so I’ll chime in.
Make sure to hear your son’s voice. This is his way of trying to make a connection with you and maybe more. Hear him out and don’t reflexively respond. Spend time making sure he feels heard and loved. And whatever you decide, he’ll know that his connection with you is strong. I don’t know what level of processing you’ve done with him, but I can imagine it getting a little back burnered as you work through the betrayal and grief.
Agreed, great answer. As a fellow parent, I know that connection with your kid is far more important than whatever “dignity” you’ll “lose” from going on the trip.
He’s probably old enough (only you know, OP) for you to even talk about your discomfort with going, and to be open about your personal pros+cons of going. Who knows what he’ll say, but it sounds like a good conversation to have.Having your kids watch you lose your dignity is not going to make a good relationship.
They are very attuned to that sort of thing. If they watch one parent allow and invite the other to trample on them the kids will also lose respect.
You will be used as childcare repeatedly for their fun.
And they will make you look like the bad guy in front of your kids if you flinch.
Prepare for that.
Childcare… Of his own son?..
You know parents who, you know, love their children, actually want to spend time with them, right?
You know a whole lot of parents don’t love their kids and don’t want to spend time with them, right?
I’d absolutely assume mom & new dad would have several romantic dinners and activites alone while bio-dad entertained his kid.
I don’t think the guy would be pondering on here about going if he didn’t love his kid and didn’t want to spend time with him.
Why did you assume I was talking about the dad?
Even you were talking about the dad, why did the kid suffer because of the mom? He won’t be blind to their actions regardless
I’d kind of see that as a bonus. Some time to bond while on a nice vacation on someone else’s dime would be cool especially if it meant not having to deal with the ex and the new guy as much. Definitely don’t go if you’re not going to be civil with the ex and him though (which would be understandable given the circumstances). Ruining the trip for everyone else won’t gain anything other than possibly resentment from the kid.
Ñope
Don’t do it man, think about your dignity.
Sounds a bit annoying to go on a trip with just you, your son and the couple that cheated on you. I assume you’re not just going to spend all the time with your son, are you the type who has an easy time entertaining themselves alone in such a place? Otherwise, that’s a lot of time to spend third-wheeling with a couple that you’re not particularly fond of.
I took solo trips before, I have no issues entertaining myself. My problem is I strongly believe I’d be irritated being around the guy for so long. I know I technically should be more angry at my ex-wife for cheating cause she was the one who was supposed to be committed to me and all of that, but maybe because we were so in love previously, I just don’t feel that super angry with her at the moment. On the other hand I can’t stand the man.
Do. Not. Go.
As much as your son wants you to go, as others have said, you’d be giving him some very messed up ideas on how relationships work, and there are waaaasay too many chances of something happening and causing unforeseen problems.
I would explain that you’d like to go to spend time with him, but you’re not in a place where that is a healthy decision to make and for the sake of your mental health and continued healthy relationships all around it’s best for you not to join. It will hurt both of you emotionally, but it’s probably the best long term choice. If necessary, you can throw in a ‘next time
gadgetson’ in there to show this isn’t how it always will be.In that case I don’t think you should go. Your son is 14, he will be able to tell that there is bad blood. Maybe sit him down and explain that you would like to go for his sake but think it’s too soon and you are not comfortable around them yet (without throwing blame on them, as difficult as that may be).
Difficult descision. It’d be a different story if it were like 2 days. And you also take their money etc… Idk, maybe talk to your son? See if it’s just some random idea of if he’d be really unhappy if you didn’t? Maybe there’s more to the story. Maybe you can find some alternative and do something for one day in an amusement park with the whole group if he just wants some/any activity with everyone.
No.
