Title says it all
So I was laying in bed with my girlfriend reading the second hand diary that I bought… ‘I don’t remember this.’
First thought, “wtf is a hand diary”. Secondhand.
I’m hyper productive. Have one for my first hand and another for my second hand.
I see. It’s all coming back to me now… Said the blind man. to his deaf son. pissing in the wind.
I see. Said the blind carpenter as he picked up his hammer and saw.
Why did the farmer win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.
“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”
-Mitch Hedberg
Mitch is very heavily influenced by Steven Wright!
I know! It’s that deadpan delivery that really sells the style.
Did you ever watch Quentin Tarantino’s Reservoir Dogs? Steven Wright does the voice over narration for K-Billy’s Super Sounds of the 70’s!
Yep yep yep I’m also the one who always goes around telling people that 😂
I wrote a book. I have the page numbers done, and now I just have to fill in the rest. I wrote a song too, but I can’t read music, so I don’t know what it is.
“I remember when I was a fetus I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I thought to myself, ‘You know, now’s the time I should start stealing some stuff since I don’t have any fingerprints.
What’s red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
This one is a true story:
I was in Dallas Love Field with my daughter several years ago.
I said, “You know, this is where John Kennedy landed only a few hours before he was killed. Show some respect and try not to make an ass…assin of yourself.”
Roughly fifteen years later her eyes still haven’t come back from rolling into the back of her head
The dumbest joke I know is a knock knock Joke and goes like this. You first have to make the person you’re telling the joke to start saying “knock knock”, then you you say, “who’s there?”.
Proceed to watch the other person confused about what to do next 😅
Usually, the most effective way is to say, “Wanna hear a knock knock joke?”
“Sure!”
“Okay, you start.”
Has about a 90% success rate.
That was a far better formulate of what I tried to say haha :)
Whenever someone says “oh my god” i say “you may call me [insert name here]”
I asked my North Korean friend how things are back at home.
He said he can’t complain.
An English breakfast has up to 9 ingredients, an American breakfast as many as 10, but in France 1 egg is enough.
(Un œuf sounds like “enough.” That’s the joke.)
When my passwords are insecure, I offer them a few encouraging words.
What’s the most common type of owl in the UK?
The Teat-owl
Why did the orchestra get struck by lightning?
It was because they had an excellent conductor.
Why does the organ player only eat offal?
He’s an organist
