Every time I see that little red number in my inbox, my first thought is: Did I mess up? My brain jumps to the worst-case scenario—maybe I said something controversial, and now everyone’s correcting me and downvoting my stupid comments. Even though, most of the time, the messages are actually helpful and fun, that number still triggers some sort of insecurity and anxiety. The bigger it gets, the louder my worries grow.
Logically, I know I don’t screw up that often, and most feedback is neutral or even positive. But deep down, my insecure monkey brain panics at the thought of being wrong—or worse, publicly called out. Even when I’m right, the number still makes my stress levels spike up. What if people disagree with me? What if they don’t like what I wrote?
And yes, I see the irony in posting this. Writing about it is basically asking for it and feeding the very anxiety I’m trying to ignore. Maybe it’s my version of exposure therapy.
Depends on what instance or post I have commented on recently!
Was it .ml and there’s many notifications? sigh
Some meme I commented something I felt was witty? weeeeI do, and not only on Lemmy, but also Whatsapp, Teams, email etc. It’s the fear of screwing up and/or missing out, and a wave of anxiety combs over me when I see a number >0. I’ve been talking with my therapist about it, there are reasons and methods to overcome this…
Same here - any notification, for anything, my immediate assumption is that it’s someone who (rightly or wrongly) is angry with me or has bad news, or whatever. It’s fucking exhausting.
I feel you.
Same thing when your boss calls.
[tele tubbies ring tone]
Gulp. The whole office must be on fire and it’s all my fault, isn’t it.
[answers the phone]
Oh ok. Lunch at 11.30. Sure, no problem. See you there. Bye.
Phew.
Wow! Anything above zero? That must be agonizing. At work, I get lots of Teams messages, but I don’t find that so crippling. It’s just social media stuff like Lemmy where I have such mixed feelings about the numbers.
Oh, and sorry for the reply. Hope you can handle it. Here, have some flowers to cheer you up. 💐
Haha, thanks :)
Well, I don’t use any social media (besides Lemmy), so that helps :) There are a couple of Whatsapp group chats where I rarely participate, but I muted those, so I don’t get any alerts.
Teams is hell, on a job we had all teams having their channels (so like 30?) and you were “supposed to follow them” but they churned out hundreds and hundreds of messages every week, add your own channel and emails and gasp your work… So productive.
“Oh here we go. Why do I keep posting honest takes on things instead of getting a feel for the general vibe and blindly agreeing with the majority?”
Try mentioning that you’re a Christian that despises the GOP.
All they hear is Christian and the comments begin.
Some times you just roll the dice and see what happens. Make a risky comment of the day, pay the price, get back up again and do the same thing next week. Basically, just spread your unpopular opinions in places that weren’t designated for it.
I’ve burned my fingers a few times, but also found some unexpected supporters. Write a teasing remark about a particular group, and you’ll find that everyone hates you and you get downvoted to oblivion. Say the same thing in a different place, and all you get is upvotes and comments that go even further than you did. It’s a dangerous game for those who like to live dangerously.
Blindly agree with the majority if you want to play it safe. Not a very spicy way to live your life, but I can see the appeal of it.
I feel this comment acutely.
If I blindly agreed with everyone, I probably would be dead, having killed myself from the lack of moral obligation and common decency this species seems to be deficient in. I’m only sticking around because I feel like this is the end of the Anthropocene and I want to witness it. Is that honest enough for ya?
Yup. Usually don’t get much replies between checking, so if it’s more than 2, I worry. Probably doesn’t help that I have done the thing where I accidentally say something that a reasonable person would interpret quite differently than my intended message and reasonably got dogpiled because of it.
Finally someone who agrees with me and validates my fragile ego and childish vulnerabilities. Thanks. You made my day!
Usually, my inbox has like 1 or 2 replies, but anything bigger than that makes me think I must have screwed up somehow. For whaever reason, it just doesn’t cross my mind that all those comments could be neutral or even positive.
Well there’s another stressful element that even if they are mostly positive or asking for further information, it’s still a pile of “work I gotta do.”
But remember, you don’t actually have to respond to them. You can just click all the little check marks and move on. If you don’t like what they said, there’s always the down arrow. Or the up to acknowledge their support.
I don’t, for instance, expect any kind of reply from you.
If it helps, remember that a ton of downvotes will knock your comment right off most people’s feed. And unlike the R place, that number isn’t going to follow you around forever.
If you’re being misinterpreted, you can always add an edit, see if it helps.
In any case, Lemmy is a place for discussion. If you have responses, that means you contributed to the conversation. You didn’t mess up. Even if you were completely Wrong, it gives an opportunity for lots of other people to post the Correction.
Yeah, I try to think about the number in a more neutral/positive way, even though my initial emotional reaction could be less helpful. You’re absolutely right that those are also opportunities to learn.
That’s actually one of the best things about Lemmy, and even Reddit to some extent. Let’s say you think you know something about a specific topic (like maps, steam locomotives, pharmacology or whatever), because you read an article about it 5 years ago. You write a short comment based on what you think you know, and then someone with a PhD in underwater basket weaving corrects you, because you didn’t get half the details right. That should be taken as an opportunity, but it doesn’t always feel like that. Even when the comment is helpful and friendly, I still know I screwed up. It’s not a big deal, but my feelings aren’t rational about these things.
It’s like a box of candies…
Surprising constructive discussion or did I clumsily step on someone’s ego again?
Yeah, that randomness can be addictive… and anxiety inducing. You never know which seemingly harmelss comment kicks up the hornet’s nest and which doesn’t until it’s too late.
I guess I don’t comment enough for that to happen. Or I’m too old and don’t gaf if even I myself sometimes can’t follow my thoughts.
Hi, I just wanted to make your inbox go bling. You didn’t mess up and I hope you have a nice day.
Thanks. The number is already a bit overwhelming. Hopefully, I’ll get better at handling that feeling.
Just to mess with you, I’m tempted to write a dozen comments with no real content… but other than that: i think it’s quite normal. Floods of negative reactions are more likely than positive ones, and more feared. In the other hand, Lemmy is a pretty chill place and, even when I got negative reactions, they were still cordial.
All in all, we are social monkey, and we care a lot about our social capital. That used to be the difference between survival by and death in nature, and we are still rooted that way. Even if we are accruing social capital with anonymous internet users we will likely never meet in person
LOL. That sort of messing around is exactly what I would be tempted to do as well. I know that feeling a bit too well.
Also, totally agree with you on that social monkey thing. Must be like some sort of evolutionary adaptation that kept our ancestors in cohesive tribes. I guess lonely hunters would die of starvation or get eaten by wolves, so sticking together has some tangible value.
No.
Unless it’s going to be full of assholes with shitty replies for me to block from, then it’s a chore.
More like a resigned sigh and wondering which comment pissed off the tankies this time.
Same, or a holier than thou comment, or a gatekeeper which is the most annoying because they can get passive aggressive
At least one of those notifications will be calling you a liberal.
Its funny when you get called “fascist” by tankies, but also get called “communist” by the conservatives.
Then Reactionary by jai.lu
Yeah, but you don’t respect those pissed off commenters, so it’s easier to distance yourself from them. Maybe that’s my problem. I don’t usually try to be abrasive enough to cause such reactions, so I take each comment more seriously than I should.
Knowing how to be abrasive is a very useful social skill, I think.
I saw a YouTube video from this guy who just liked to yap and tell stories. He was friends with a trans man, though I don’t think he knew at the time. Probably figured it out at some point, but it never changed their relationship. They were just best buds.
Well anyway, this trans man passed away, and the youtuber went to his funeral. The guy’s deadname was all over the memorial display. They’d prettied him up to look more feminine. Even clothed his body in a dress, I think. People gave eulogies about her memory, her significance, her this, her that.
The youtuber (and this was all before he was even on youtube, by the way) finally had his turn to go up and give a eulogy. He went up and said a few words about his friend, and then absolutely laid into these people for their callousness; for barely understanding who this guy, the deceased, even was; for amending his history and mourning only the parts of him they could actually stomach. And then he left. Not much point in staying in the service after that.
Being able to do things like that, though, requires some emotional strength. It’s a skill you have to practice. That youtuber wasn’t the only one there who felt that way, but he was the only one to say anything.
No. It means I made the imaginary internet points number that no one cares for go up.
132 updoots! I feel so validated for 90 seconds!
Sometimes I’ll be super active commenting and posting on lemmy and it actually grains traction and the next day I’m like “what have I done?!”
Yeah, that’s a familiar feeling. One evening, you find interesting things to write about, and the next morning you have a stack of replies from the other side of the world.
Internet shit isn’t real, and Lemmy is even less real than most
Humblebrag.
No, because I don’t give a shit if people don’t like what I have to say and decide to be petulant about it.
Hell no.
The reason I post here is to discuss things with people like things.
