In response to nearly everything, “That was my high school nickname!”

Hey guys, did you know that in terms of male human and female Pokémon breeding, Vaporeon is the most compatible Pokémon for humans? Not only are they in the field egg group, which is mostly comprised of mammals, Vaporeon are an average of 3"03’ tall and 63.9 pounds. this means they’re large enough to be able to handle human d–ks, and with their impressive Base Stats for HP and access to Acid Armor, you can be rough with one. Due to their mostly water based biology, there’s no doubt in my mind that an aroused Vaporeon would be incredibly wet, so wet that you could easily have sex with one for hours without getting sore. They can also learn the moves Attract, Baby-Doll Eyes, Captivate, Charm, and Tail Whip, along with not having fur to hide nipples, so it’d be incredibly easy for one to get you in the mood. With their abilities Water Absorb and Hydration, they can easily recover from fatigue with enough water. No other Pokémon comes close to this level of compatibility. Also, fun fact, if you pull out enough, you can make your Vaporeon turn white.

My friend says if I was an Animal Crossing villager, I would end my sentences with “for real”.

Asks me a question
“Woah, for real?”

Talking about the weather
“I saw clouds building on the horizon. For real!”

We’re both lamenting
“For real, man…”

Hey, What’s Going On!

I teach English in Japan, and I keep it as casual as possible with my students. I always end up saying “See ya!” (I try to use proper English and say “See you.” but it doesn’t always come out that way) at the end of each lesson and that always ends up being the first English my students speak with fluency as a result.

pig fucker. straight from south park. they’ve corrupted my fucking innocent, pure mind

The only thing that comes to mind is: any time someone drops something, I tell them, “oh, you can just put that anywhere.”

I don’t know where I got it from, but it annoys my kids.

I don’t know that I have a catchphrase, but I use “holy moly” a lot in my sports announcing, and “my dude” a lot in casual conversation.

I used to have several at work…

Everything i look at is broken (my corporate experience)
And
Nick knows everything (Nick was an introvert, but very knowledgeable)
And
We make so much money (stolen from Jim the old guy)
And
We used to make so much money (retort to Jim)

Not mine, but I knew a guy in high school who did this and I think it’s ripe for someone to steal. He would frequently add “like the dickens!” to things, the less appropriate, the better. .

“Es war mir ein inneres Blumenpflücken”

after having a nice time with someone. it translates to

“It was an internal flower picking for me”

meaning this was like picking flowers with you for my mental state

If it’s not broken, keep fixing it 'til it is.

Everything is temporary

“I’m super not worried about it”

I caught/catched the most with pspsps