If my boss is in a talkative mood by the time I get home from work I don’t want to hear another human at all.
I read this with pauses in the wrong spots and thought it was going to be some kind of joke that your boss was your wife or something
On any given day my boss will babble more words to me than my wife has said in 20 years of marriage.
My social battery is dead and been incinerated.
You all had social batteries to start with.? I haven’t really ever had it and haven’t ever had much if at all deep connections. Not because I don’t try but because people can’t deal with my genetically dead social batteries.
If you’re still interested to try and meet people, I would suggest still trying to meet up or go to locations with a bunch of people and check yourself.
How do you feel there, what do you notice, what makes you feel tired?
Very often you’ll find yourself overly alert, overly self concious, or simply not used to the experience. These all drain energy.
Try again and notice if it changes. Keep trying.
For me, it’s more like:
My social battery has been dead for a while and I can’t moderate my behavior enough to get new people to put up with my bullshit.
Mucho self-aware. 👌
That’s why I hate the insertion of “mindfulness” into every type of self-help.
Motherfucker, did it ever occur to you that my hyper-awareness of shit is part of the cause of my problems?
Sometimes mindfulness is more of a soft awareness. Not really thinking or knowing about anything in particular.
I also don’t like how it’s used, because I have the same problem as you describe. It reminds me of trying to maintain a stoic perspective, being non-intellectually aware of sensations in your body, and trying to focus on what you can control.
it’s a statistical phenomenon. for 99% of the people, the problem is a lack of awareness, so they think it’s that way for everyone.
Awareness is only one part of mindfulness, you already got that, which is great.
The other part is equanimity, being aware of things, but not reacting or judging.
Doing it frequently definitely helps with hyper-vigilance and being overly aware of things.
yes, but i am also becoming more tolerant of personal quirks as i’ve learned of my autism and how it impacts my socializing. i worry nobody likes me and tend to avoid conversation. i want friends. i have some, but more would be nice. something genuine and deep but equally as stupid and silly and shallow.
I’m wired wrong for most social interactions. It’s a serious problem, and my attempts to overcome it generally make it much worse. But “accepting myself” means accepting unemployment, and then how can I pay rent? (Currently unemployed and living with family).
However, I don’t think people’s social behavior is all BS. I try not to be resentful. I know there’s lots of BS, but I also know that’s what becomes most obvious to me, so it’s partly a matter of perception.
Mind elaborating on how you’re wired wrong? Genuinely curious to see which, if any, traits we share.
Sure. There are layers to it. If I socially interact for a few hours then I’ll become exhausted, probably cranky. A psychiatrist said I have ADHD, and the sensory input of multiple persons being around is too much. Social environments tend to be overwhelming.
I also have a social phobia. I don’t think it’s genetic, since I didn’t have it as a kid. But my teenage years (11-18) were severely isolated, and full of humiliation and severe loneliness. I just never recovered from that. I spent my 20s trying to learn, forcing myself into all these social environments, but it was mostly just a torturous cycle of collapse.
I over-rely on my sense of humor, and this often causes problems. Most of the time it works really well (people like to laugh, and they appreciate a good joke), so I can make a very good first impression. But when it comes to “actual” social interaction, I simply have no idea what to say, like ever. I can negotiate well on other people’s behalf, and I’m good at explaining things, but in open-ended social situations I tend to be weirdly quiet or else I say horribly wrong things without realizing it. I’ve experienced multiple instances of people doing prolonged campaigns of social warfare against me because I accidentally insulted them, and they recognize my vulnerabilities. I’m terrible at reading non-verbal communication (this isn’t just a product of social anxiety or phobia… my brain just doesn’t pick up on these things, doesn’t know what to do with them). So basically I’m not a social creature. Some people actually have thought that I was mentally handicapped (or experiencing cognitive decline, or that I’m “on drugs”) because I just don’t respond like an intelligent person. But then I’ll go to “therapy” (what a disgusting joke) and they’ll see how well I can explain myself, and they’ll declare me to be fine. Clearly no problems with “communication” (but socializing isn’t just explaining things to a person).
I could go on and on, but that paints a picture.
Thank you! :)
You probably did not say horribly wrong things, those people are likely just assholes.
The power-hungry ones that start campaigns of social warfare, yes. But they’re also very socially powerful and are able to dictate social outcomes and perceptions. Often they’re jealous that people like me, or that I’m performing very well at a job, and they see my social ineptness as an opportunity and a fun way to publicly demonstrate their superiority in some other arena. To them socializing is warfare. And it’s not enough to just call them assholes, because I’ve lost many friends, and it has severely limited my job prospects. I need a response that benefits me more. But I also can’t just keep throwing myself into that thresher. I’m still trying to think of the right approach. Because I’m ambitious and intelligent enough to want more than unemployment and isolation.
The important thing is to not give up, and it’s important to bear in mind that at least in my experience other than being social manipulators they’re quite uninspiring in many respects. That is also why they don’t like people who don’t fit - they are, by nature, disruptive to that state of affairs.
I think if you keep working the problem you will come to a good conclusion.
I need more than to just keep working the problem. I’m middle aged and living with family again, I’ve always been poor even though I excel at all my jobs and I have a degree. And there’s no such thing as a “conclusion,” except death, so what I’m working at is stable ongoing engagement in an arena where I can maintain that engagement. Still trying to think what that can look like. Thanks for the encouragement.
Interacting with people is like any other skill. If you don’t do it badly at first, you’ll never get to the point where you can do it well.
I was an isolator who got a job where I was dealing with everyone in a public health facility. By ‘everyone’ I mean everyone from doctors and police to homeless schizophrenics.
It was sink or swim, but I got the skills.
I was very social when I was younger. Worked retail jobs from 15-23. I didn’t have and technically still don’t have a problem talking to whoever, whether it’s a crackhead at the library or a prof at school. I just got to a point where I couldn’t handle the abuse from family, being betrayed by my ex of 7 years, serious health issue, and noone wanted to help me through it regardless of what kindness I showed them in the past. Really woke me up to people’s bullshit, smile to your face but consider you an annoyance when you’re down and out. Made me really reconsider what I wanted to spend my few years on earth doing. Putting up with people, or providing myself with peace and security.
Edit: what I’ve found about being a forgiving person is that you can forgive someone for 100 of their faults but when the last straw breaks the camels back, you are automatically an anti-social asshole because you have a limit to how much BS you can handle
Let’s break it down.
First, what kind of ‘peace and security’ are you going to have without other people? Even if you manage to amass a vast fortune, you’ll need some kind of caretakers.
Second, you act as if every single person you interact with is out to get you. You had a lousy family and apparently one adult relationship that floundered after 7 years. That sounds about average, tbh.
As for your health issues. Have you looked for support groups of people with the same problem?
I find a lot of peace in limiting my social interactions because a lot of people like to make assumptions and act like they know my life better than I do. In this world, money is directly correlated with security and being in healthcare I’m sure you already know the difference in quality of healthcare between someone with and without the means to afford it.
You’re exaggerating and putting words in my mouth that every single person I interact with is out to get me. I hope you aren’t in mental health with that kind of approach. I had and still have a lousy family. Are you making assumptions about my relationship history or did I tell you that I’ve only had 1 adult relationship?
I’m not looking for support groups, I was stating a part of why I lost a lot of faith in people.
Have a good night
I just got to a point where I couldn’t handle the abuse from family, being betrayed by my ex of 7 years, serious health issue, and noone wanted to help me through it regardless of what kindness I showed them in the past.
Have a good night.
I have something like your problem. I try to be really patient and caring, but it’s gotten to the point where I have a reputation among my friends and family for it. Now I have more people to support than I can handle emotionally. My battery isn’t dead, but now it’s like blowing a breaker if the draw on any given day is too much.
Caregiver burnout is a thing. Don’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm.
Don’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm
Really like this. Is that from somewhere?
It sure is, but I have no idea from where. Picked it up online long ago.
It’s impossible for me. I always turn into the personal therapist. I see too much. And I can’t help it. Just ended a friendship over this because it was exhausting to maintain.
Cursed with empathy
see it as a gift :)
To be fair many people out there are just becoming more horrible and its not worth your effort ;)
kicks you in the balls
Yes.
Want to be friends, but then never talk? Like ever?
Sounds like my kind of friendship. I’m in!
I like infodumping, then being infodumped back at, until we arrive at some crossover subject of mutual curiousity we can discuss till the cows come home. Unfortunately while my gf loves this, my bff doesn’t appreciate this tho.
I do enjoy that at times because I’m generally a curious person that likes to learn. Someone told me it’s a sign of autism once but that person was also an idiot in many aspects.
I wonder if “human BS” is just the frustration that real human communication is less convenient and demands more attention than the other forms of communication we’ve gotten used to.
Nah, I’m just shy. Especially with women. I don’t feel I have much to offer anyone.
I find im always just howling into the void.
