I’m gonna be honest, I’m not asking for a friend, I’m asking for myself. Our daughter (24) married this man (65) in September. She herself stated money was the main reason, and he knows it but it doesn’t bother him. Both my husband & I are having a very hard time getting used to the idea.
I’d work on processing my feelings and sorting them into helpful to express, necessary to express, and unhelpful and unnecessary to express
Do you trust your daughter’s ethics and willingness to prioritize her happiness? If not that should be your concern, otherwise learning to trust her to leave if anything goes as wrong as it likely will is something to focus on.
Regardless of everything, therapy is probably a good call for you. It’s not just for the mentally ill, it’s also a resource to help deal with it when life throws you a curveball.
How much money we talking? 65 and spritely could well mean 25 years or more of marriage
I don’t know the exact net worth, but enough to have 2 “main residences” in Alpine NJ (most of the time, he hates city congestion) & Upper East Side (to stay when there’s work in the city, things like that), summer home in Sagaponack + at least 7 other homes I’m aware of. Flying exclusively private. That kind of wealth.
That’s certainly reason enough for most people. So long as there is some actual spark then what’s not to love? You may well still get grandchildren and he’s unlikely to be seen much. The age gap certainly fails the creepiness test, but no crimes are being commited and both are entering into it with good faith. You may well struggle for some time, but for the good of all - button that beak and smile
Holy fucking shit. Bruh. Just… goddamn. I’m pretty sure my parents would be over the moon if I was wanting to marry someone like that, regardless of intentions. Furthermore, it sounds like they’re clear on what her feelings are and things like that. It’s totally possible that he’s looking for an heir which is why her attraction to his wealth isn’t something he has a problem with (he’s already planning to give it to her and/or any children she might end up having). It’s also possible (as someone else pointed out) that it may be more kinky and saying she is marrying him for his wealth is an easier (or less awkward) explanation. Regardless, however, it sounds like it’s consensual.
I think the way I’d handle it is to voice my concerns just to make sure she’s thought of what might happen. When you do so, make sure she understands you’re not rejecting her, but trying to make sure she’s thought everything through; and that you need some reassurance yourself that she’ll be okay. Explain that you care about her and you don’t want anything bad to happen to her, and that’s why you’re so concerned. Then let her go and be there for her if things go south. Ultimately, she’s an adult and you can’t stop her from living her own life. At least it sounds like this path will ensure she (and any children she might have with him) will live a good life.
I’m actually kinda jealous lol.
Your daughter could likely follow her dreams now.
That’s enough to not worry about money again. As long as he treats her well and she’s happy, then you and your husband should do their best to support her and her choices.
You’re her parents, she doesn’t need undue stress from y’all. It sounds like she has a good head on her shoulders, just try to understand, support and love her.
I’ll be very blunt: it’s her life and her decision. There is nothing to ‘manage’. You either accept it or you don’t, but if you don’t, there’s a good chance you will lose her.
I agree with you, I think OP means manage in the sense of managing themselves in this situation they clearly don’t like, not their daughter.
Yeah true, I think you’re right. In that regard: I think it’s all about acceptance.
Doesn’t seem like anyone is being hurt in this situation, so, really, the only thing to do is stay out of it. Getting involved and trying to change things will only make things harder for everyone.
Seems like a win/win for them.
Honestly, she’s choosing (I’m assuming) to not have to work, get a free house to live in, and be set for the rest of her life after this dude dies. Those are the 2 biggest stressors in anyone’s life right now. I’d be a liar if I hadn’t thought about pursuing a cougar in my younger years for the same reasons. If she’s fine with it, and he’s not abusive, let her do her thing. Sure, it’s frowned upon, and she’ll be called a gold digger, etc. but that’s her cross to bear, and she seems fine with it.
Depends, if my 35 year old marries a 65 year old then I chalk it up to different life goals and preferences for consenting adults and enjoy the lavish wedding.
If my 18 year old marries anyone over the age of lets say… 21? I start talking about power imbalances, finical abuse and grooming non-stop until they are divorced. Honestly, even if their spouse was a reasonable age, I would do my very best to talk ANY 18 year old out of marriage.
There can be power imbalances even if they’re both the same age.
She herself stated money was the main reason, and he knows it but it doesn’t bother him.
Well both you and your daughter are honest people and so is her husband. That’s a pretty good foundation for a healthy relationship imo. Good knows people have married with worse :>
I mean she married a rich guy she likes, at least if you take her word for it, and is basically set for life. Unless something goes wrong there’s really nothing to get used to.
It’ll probably be a lot more than you were bargaining for, but it may be helpful to look into sugar daddy/baby and fin-dom (financial domination) relationships and how they work, as it sounds like this is likely the type of situation your daughter is in. I know that if I had kids, researching their kinks probably wouldn’t be the most comfortable thing in the world, but it may help you get a better understanding of the dynamics of their relationship. Generally speaking, these are pretty healthy relationships as long as both parties are fully onboard and consenting, which it sounds like is the case here.
Relationships like this are actually fairly common, but because of the stigmas surrounding them, people tend not to be super open about it. The fact that your daughter and son-in-law both seem to be on the same page and don’t mind letting you know about their arrangement, should probably be taken as a good sign.
Lmao just because he has more money doesn’t make it findom. That feels like a pretty wild leap to make without more info.
OP said that money is the “main reason” for their relationship. It’s not really that much of a leap at all.
I don’t know how I’d deal with it but I can’t say I wouldn’t have done the same thing given the chance, at least at that age. Does she realise that 65 isn’t all that old? He could have decades left in him. Most of my grandparents have lived into their 90s.
She does. And she actually likes him, money was the main reason but it wasn’t the only reason. She said she wouldn’t marry an insufferable person or a vegetable. This man is extremely active, both physically and mentally. I don’t think she’s waiting for his death. Plus he already spoils her to no end now, while he’s alive.
This is interesting and I think it sounds like they are in a better scenario than others who marry for money. I’m glad she actually likes him as well. It’s certainly odd, but it seems like both of them benefit from the partnershipand both seem to be open about it. While unusual, it seems healthier than other types of these relationships where it isn’t clearly stated.
I will say like the one other user said…make sure she has a way that she could support herself in the event he leaves her or something.
she actually likes him, money was the main reason but it wasn’t the only reason
You kind of buried the lede here by not including this info in the main post.
Sounds like your daughter is just being honest. Honest, open communication is important for a successful relationship. There’s all sorts of reasons for sparking the initial interest/attraction, but what is important is that the relationship has more bones than the initial spark, which it sounds like it probably does.
My wife caught my eye because she literally caught my eye. That doesn’t mean I’m only with her for her looks just because that was the initial reason for my interest.
As others have said, the main concern here is that she needs to ensure that she has her own financial security separate from him so she is not trapped or up shit creek if his finances go away for any reason.
Beyond that, the age difference can affect power dynamics and expectations within the relationship. That’s less your business, more between her and him. It takes a lot of open discussion and willingness to compromise and work with each other.
My wife is somewhere around 15 years older than me. We started dating when I was past college but younger than 25. Just barely within the half plus seven window. We have differing opinions on acceptable levels of cleanliness/organization, and how household chores are to be split up. It also doesn’t help that I didn’t have nearly as long of a time living on my own before moving in with her. But with a lot of discussion and patience on both sides we make it work.
It would be weird if he wasn’t wealthy. If he can’t follow the “half your age plus 7” rule that’s a sign of immaturity. Good luck for all of you.
No, it wouldn’t be weird, it’s her decision. And the rule in general just seems immature for adults.
It’s the male’s decision too. He gets more leniency because he has money. Him special.
True, it’s his decision as well making it mutual.
Mutually consensual, absolutely of course! Just like any service one performs in exchange for money, like bus driving, prostitution, and marriage.
In this economy? Good on her.
Money is a motive like any motive. If I was a mom and my kid agreed to it, that’s up to them.
Reading the other comments it sounds like this might be a healthy relationship.
Idk if this is my own baggage talking but the only thing that comes to mind is has he been married before and how did that turn out?
If he marries women and divorces them and leaves them in a bad situation, then I guess she should be ready for him to do the same to her eventually. I wouldn’t suggest she go asking a lot of questions in a short period of time because I feel like this stuff comes out naturally over time but as she learns about it she should be aware of it and be prepared. (Do things like save money, get a degree or some other means of being able to support herself just in case shit happens.) I know people change, but I also know people don’t and can keep the same behavior from relationship to relationship.
He only had 1 wife before and he was widowed.
