Pretty shit. Came out of the closet as trans to my parents just before the election after hiding dysphoria for nearly 20yrs (I’m 30). Unfortunately, the dysphoria has been intense enough that I’m so dissociated that I can barely function, so as you might imagine, I’m currently living with parents.
My dad’s reaction was basically, “whoever the best you is, be that you”.
My mom’s reaction was “but you’re my son… I always wanted to have a brother and you’re kinda like that”.
Meanwhile my grandparents voted for Trump after saying they wouldn’t, and are now crying about it. Literally. My grandmother was in tears.
So my mom is also dealing with that, and possibly osteoporosis, which meant she said, “it’s gonna take time to process this”.
Then last night she told me that I wasn’t allowed to start hrt until I moved out.
She refuses to let me tell her why I can barely function. She refuses to let me describe what I’m going through. She says she “can’t handle it”, that “it’s not a top priority right now”, that she’s “trying to understand” why I’ve made this “choice” while also telling me things like “but I like you the way you are” and rejecting any information I send to her because she’d rather consult her friends that she “trusts more”.
She starts to have a panic attack whenever I try to talk to her about it and God forbid I tell her that she made a mistake because then I obviously hate her guts and want her to die. She’s literally accused me of that.
It hurts like hell but I don’t know how to get out of this situation. I don’t know how long it’ll take hrt and therapy to get me on my feet all while not having a job. All this while in Texas. I’m fucking scared.
That’s horrible that you’re having to go through that. I honesty can’t imagine. But from one “Feathers” to another, that took a hell of a lot of courage.
I sincerely hope things get so much better for you!
Thanks. It wasn’t the reaction I was expecting, kinda the opposite. My dad’s the one who had sisters and only nieces on his side of the family, so I was expecting him to be the one with hang-ups about it. Nope, it was my mom. What I was hoping for was support for a little while longer until I felt like I could live on my own, but it sounds like that’s not gonna happen. My biggest frustration is not coming out sooner tbh. Woulda given me more time to make plans and meant that maybe I could have skipped years of feeling like a lazy, freeloading piece of shit (no, they never called me that, but that doesn’t stop me from feeling like it).
My wife’s mom still insists on deadnaming her over a decade after her transition, and refuses to recognize her gender. Sucks because she could be in our lives but instead just gets a phone call at Christmas, and I’ve never even talked to her. Some parents just make that choice, sucks that your mom is one of them.
She refuses to let me tell her why I can barely function. She refuses to let me describe what I’m going through. She says she “can’t handle it”, that “it’s not a top priority right now”, that she’s “trying to understand” why I’ve made this “choice” while also telling me things like “but I like you the way you are” and rejecting any information I send to her because she’d rather consult her friends that she “trusts more”.
She starts to have a panic attack whenever I try to talk to her about it and God forbid I tell her that she made a mistake because then I obviously hate her guts and want her to die. She’s literally accused me of that.
Thanks, it really sucks. I didn’t expect the reaction I got. I kinda expected my dad to be the one who got upset while my mom was supportive, not the opposite. My dad was the one who had two sisters and only nieces on his side of the family, so I kinda expected he was gonna be the one upset by it; but he’s cool with it.
It also blew me away to hear that my grandparents voted for Trump after years of talking about how much they regretted voting for him in 2016 and how they’d never vote for him again. Guess I’m never coming out to them; not that I was totally expecting to due to their age, but it’ll be fun coming up with a reason why moving out means I’m forced to move across the country and possibly never come back (at least probably not while they’re still living).
Once you are moved out, and across the country, the song Cat’s in the Cradle, by Harry Chapin gives you the perfect believable excuse. I’d love to come visit, and I will once work isn’t riding me so much. We’ll get together then.
I love that song… It’s just so sad. The kid wants to spend time with his dad but can’t because his dad’s always busy, and then the dad wants to spend time with his kid but can’t because his child’s all grown up and is busy now.
I will say it took me awhile to wrap my head around my kid being a son not a daughter. My concept of womanhood is quite broad, I really and truly did not see it coming, just thought she was dykey , for lack of a better word, still doesn’t seem distressed at all either but that may be because all the kids at school just accept kids are whatever gender they say, it’s no big deal to them, and siblings all immediately supportive. I didn’t lay my trouble adapting on them, it’s not his problem, it’s mine - just saying you have known a long time but she has not, she will adjust.
Pretty shit. Came out of the closet as trans to my parents just before the election after hiding dysphoria for nearly 20yrs (I’m 30). Unfortunately, the dysphoria has been intense enough that I’m so dissociated that I can barely function, so as you might imagine, I’m currently living with parents.
My dad’s reaction was basically, “whoever the best you is, be that you”.
My mom’s reaction was “but you’re my son… I always wanted to have a brother and you’re kinda like that”.
Meanwhile my grandparents voted for Trump after saying they wouldn’t, and are now crying about it. Literally. My grandmother was in tears.
So my mom is also dealing with that, and possibly osteoporosis, which meant she said, “it’s gonna take time to process this”.
Then last night she told me that I wasn’t allowed to start hrt until I moved out.
She refuses to let me tell her why I can barely function. She refuses to let me describe what I’m going through. She says she “can’t handle it”, that “it’s not a top priority right now”, that she’s “trying to understand” why I’ve made this “choice” while also telling me things like “but I like you the way you are” and rejecting any information I send to her because she’d rather consult her friends that she “trusts more”.
She starts to have a panic attack whenever I try to talk to her about it and God forbid I tell her that she made a mistake because then I obviously hate her guts and want her to die. She’s literally accused me of that.
It hurts like hell but I don’t know how to get out of this situation. I don’t know how long it’ll take hrt and therapy to get me on my feet all while not having a job. All this while in Texas. I’m fucking scared.
That’s horrible that you’re having to go through that. I honesty can’t imagine. But from one “Feathers” to another, that took a hell of a lot of courage.
I sincerely hope things get so much better for you!
Thanks. It wasn’t the reaction I was expecting, kinda the opposite. My dad’s the one who had sisters and only nieces on his side of the family, so I was expecting him to be the one with hang-ups about it. Nope, it was my mom. What I was hoping for was support for a little while longer until I felt like I could live on my own, but it sounds like that’s not gonna happen. My biggest frustration is not coming out sooner tbh. Woulda given me more time to make plans and meant that maybe I could have skipped years of feeling like a lazy, freeloading piece of shit (no, they never called me that, but that doesn’t stop me from feeling like it).
Congrats on coming out!
My wife’s mom still insists on deadnaming her over a decade after her transition, and refuses to recognize her gender. Sucks because she could be in our lives but instead just gets a phone call at Christmas, and I’ve never even talked to her. Some parents just make that choice, sucks that your mom is one of them.
I’m hoping she’ll eventually come around. In the meantime though, I’m getting to try and figure out how to get on my feet long enough to move out.
Those paragraphs reminded me of the [email protected] community.
Absolutely. It’s not about the transition at all, she just can’t stomach the idea of losing an inkling of control.
Sorry you’re going through this. But I’m proud of you for coming out!
Thanks, it really sucks. I didn’t expect the reaction I got. I kinda expected my dad to be the one who got upset while my mom was supportive, not the opposite. My dad was the one who had two sisters and only nieces on his side of the family, so I kinda expected he was gonna be the one upset by it; but he’s cool with it.
It also blew me away to hear that my grandparents voted for Trump after years of talking about how much they regretted voting for him in 2016 and how they’d never vote for him again. Guess I’m never coming out to them; not that I was totally expecting to due to their age, but it’ll be fun coming up with a reason why moving out means I’m forced to move across the country and possibly never come back (at least probably not while they’re still living).
Once you are moved out, and across the country, the song Cat’s in the Cradle, by Harry Chapin gives you the perfect believable excuse. I’d love to come visit, and I will once work isn’t riding me so much. We’ll get together then.
I love that song… It’s just so sad. The kid wants to spend time with his dad but can’t because his dad’s always busy, and then the dad wants to spend time with his kid but can’t because his child’s all grown up and is busy now.
I will say it took me awhile to wrap my head around my kid being a son not a daughter. My concept of womanhood is quite broad, I really and truly did not see it coming, just thought she was dykey , for lack of a better word, still doesn’t seem distressed at all either but that may be because all the kids at school just accept kids are whatever gender they say, it’s no big deal to them, and siblings all immediately supportive. I didn’t lay my trouble adapting on them, it’s not his problem, it’s mine - just saying you have known a long time but she has not, she will adjust.