If you don’t find someone physically attractive, how do you settle down with them? Do you just accept getting into bed with someone you’re physically repulsed by every night?
Not every relationship is based on physical attraction and, by extension, sex
I’m not denying that ace spectrum people have relationships and settle down as well. But OP is asking about the normative (read allosexual) experience and explicitly mentions physical attraction.
The vast majority of relationships will involve physical attraction and sex. It’s highly unusual for that to not be the case for allosexual people. That’s not a value judgement—if a minority of allo people find something else works for them, then that’s great. But if OP is asking if this is normal, then no it’s not. Even ‘less attractive’ people, as OP put it, find people they’re attracted to enough to enjoy a lifetime of intimacy and sex with.
Overcoming a lack of physical attraction is a pretty big barrier and I can’t see most people overcoming that barrier just to ‘settle down.’ Not being your physical ideal is one thing, most of us settle down with people who don’t look like models or actors, but finding someone physically unattractive is a tough sell in most cases.
I’m not denying that ace spectrum people have relationships and settle down as well. But OP is asking about the normative (read allosexual) experience and explicitly mentions physical attraction.
I don’t think this only applies to ace people. Sometimes you just realize you can’t have everything, settle with someone “below your standards” in respect to that, and even if you sleep in the same bed, you don’t do anything with each other in that way.
Thing is, sex is not a privilege. If you - as someone in such a situation as OP - can’t accept that, you are in danger of growing… hateful views. I don’t want to become such a person, and it’s clear that it’s not their fault that they are not attracted to me. Realizing this helped me accept it.
To be totally clear, yes, I’m not ace, I have the desire, but that’s just not how it works.There are still other benefits of having a partner, like not being lonely and sharing the costs of living.
To also respond to OP, I don’t know if this is “the solution”. This is better for everyone involved than the alternative where you grow to be a hateful person. But maybe you should reevaluate if you are really in such a situation as you think. Possibly you are right, possibly not.
Thing is, sex is not a privilege. If you - as someone in such a situation as OP - can’t accept that, you are in danger of growing… hateful views.
No one is entitled to sex, I agree. But in a relationship, you are allowed to make clear what your needs are and move on if those needs aren’t being met. It’s not entitlement to know what you want. Having a ‘dead bedroom’ is why a lot of relationships end.
I don’t want to become such a person, and it’s clear that it’s not their fault that they are not attracted to me. Realizing this helped me accept it.
If I may ask, was there any physical attraction between you two when you met?
If I may ask, was there any physical attraction between you two when you met?
To be honest, there is no other person here. Not yet, at least. My case is a little different, because it’s not about how I look, not even the personality (but who knows actually? I know I have problems e.g. finding the right tone, and sometimes seeming harsh), but some other properties that are day to day pretty noticeable, and are often associated with being handicapped (not in the meeting of being silly) (even by myself when I notice it on others). I know that this is universally a thing (or rather things) that is hard to accept, and I seriously wouldn’t want to live with someone like that either.
The point I wanted to make is that it’s ok if no one wants to be with me.
I have not yet started searching for an “economical partnership”.
There is a lot of room between attraction and repulsion though. A not ideal looking person who is so good in bed, loves you and you get along with? Maybe they are neutral to you looks-wise but hot for reasons other than looks.
Someone whose looks repel you? No, that’s never going to work.
I am mid looking person who has every high “standards” but can’t score anybody that’s hot.
Is you settleing or did you just realize how the market works.
WTF up with all these avg people think they better than other avg people. Grow the fuck up
‘Normal’ isn’t the most useful word for describing human interactions. It’s always going to be biased by your culture, upbringing and life experience.
A lot of people here are saying that people become more attractive as you get close to them, and I’m sure that’s true–for them. Just to offer an alternative perspective, I find people less physically attractive the better I know them. I still love them and enjoy their company, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything, but I just don’t really want to be physically intimate with them past a certain point. I’m very independent and probably just not cut out for that kind of long-term relationship, but I’m also very open about it when talking to potential romantic partners. I don’t want them putting all their eggs in one basket, especially when that basket is full of holes.
it happens and it doesn’t work well if there’s isn’t some other quality(ies) that make(s) it meaningless.
Please don’t do that to people you claim to love. How heartbreaking would it be to find out your partner doesn’t find you attractive. Horrible and selfish.
Well, what about people that aren’t attractive. Are they supposed to never have partners?
They’re not attractive to you. Everyone is attractive to someone.
Mentally, definitely. But we’re talking about physically here. Physical attractiveness is pretty much the same across all humans, or rather what isn’t attractive. Extreme mutilations and similar for example.
Physical attractiveness is pretty much the same across all humans,
I take your point, and I used to believe that, but I learned my view was a pretty narrow, compared to the options/tastes expressed by the diverse people I’ve met, since.
Nah, you grossly underestimate the kink community.
They should date each other…
Why do unattractive people think they gonna jump above their lot. Some fuxking immature way of thinking lol
It ain’t settling if you are both fugly… Lol
To anyone who considers a good personality attractive, I’m guessing dating you would be considered scraping the bottom of the barrel.
We are talking about looks per OP’s prompt. There is nothing wrong with less attractive but you ain’t gonna “date up” unless you got something really going for you and even then vast majority of people end up with same looking person.
Either way, Is that supposed to be an insult?
Why is u hurt lol
I’m not personally insulted. I just think it’s incredibly shitty to treat dating like some kind of caste system where people “belong” at a certain level. I can see why you said you can’t “score” anyone that you view as more attractive when you view things that way.
You are clearly triggered and it is early caste system always has been
This how people been choose mates when they are given the choice.
You are not bringing any counter point either besides attempting to attack me lol
But that happens a lot doesn’t?
The original question asked about physical attraction - not attraction overall.
There’s lots of shit that makes people attractive and physical attraction is a rather minor portion of that equation for a lot of people.
Not planning to. I asked to try to gauge whether this was widespread behaviour.
I understand wanting to get a read on how other relationships work, but I’d also like to say wayyy to many relationships are not good examples, and even the ones that do look like good examples can look very different from the inside.
Getting more information is almost always good, but be careful to take it with a grain of salt, and above all do what feels right by you and your partner over advice you got from people who’s relationships you don’t know too much about.
Yes
i think that liking a person can make you physically attracted to them. i didnt look at either of my partners the first time and drop jaw on the floor… but once i became friends and developed a crush they started to look cute! my current partner is very attractive to me now :)
“Settle down” is based in different criteria to “want to fuck”
Hearing avg looking person use the term settle down…
🤡🤡🤡
What is the mental condition for this? Main character syndrome?
what arr you trying to say?
That people who think of themselves as settling down lack maturity to be in a relationship.
They are still in stage of their lives where they don’t understand that other people have their own lives and priorities
Do you mean settling or settling down?
Fucking great catch!!!
“Settling”
Apologies haha
I can only speak for myself and my observations, but I don’t think it’s normal. It happens, but it’s uncommon. I think it’s more normal for people to have similarly attractive partners.
Most of my girlfriends have been about the same level of attractiveness. I think I’m probably a 5 or 6 out of 10. If I lost weight and cleaned up I’d probably get to a 7, but that wouldn’t change my attraction to my wife. Maybe at that point it would look like I “settled”?
This happens on a timeline tho. They may have been variably attractive when they got together and just aged and there’s more incentive for either to maintain the status quo than cut each other loose
I think that assumes that a person’s attractiveness to a passive observer is equivalent to their attractiveness to their long-term partner. Someone who loves you probably thinks it’s cute when your hair is messy, for example.
If you fall out of love, yeah, maybe leave your boyfriend. But if you still love him despite his beer gut and bald patch, maybe that’s not a bad thing? Also, all relationships happen on a timeline, lol.
Yeah - husband thinks I am, in his words, “smoking hot” but I think he sees with the eyes of love, not a normal critical eye. I’m confident enough to move around in the world without worrying about looks but no way near “smoking hot”, lol.
Women usually do that for social status, I mean, for women usually if there is money(specifically what money involves not exactly money as it) they don’t care about beauty.
As a man at least for me you need to learn to appreciate women beyond their beauty, you need to experience going out with ugly as part of knowing about women. The 98% of women function exactly the same if you get used to go out with ugly women you will learn to go out with beautiful women.
Think of beauty like something what will not last forever, the main point in women isn’t their beauty but other characteristics like support and followship
Beauty isn’t everything what matters in a relationship, there are other things what each role do which compliment each other.
Some women do it for social status, absolutely - some men do too. Others do it for money, or fame, or because they have a nice house…
That is certainly not the norm and your suggestion that it is the norm and it is specifically for women is why you’re being downvoted (at least, IMO).
I actually agree with a portion of the rest of your comment that beauty isn’t that important… physical attraction is one facet of attraction and I’d argue it isn’t even a particularly major one.
I think you’re right, it may sound a bit strange from that point of view, I forgot to mention that 98% of men also function the same, although I must clarify that I am referring to a generality and not to a totality, meaning that there are exceptions.
Why are you with someone you don’t find attractive? Are you obligated to be in the relationship? Are you afraid of what happens without your partner?
A partner is someone you are happy to be with and if attractiveness is the sole determining factor, ask yourself what is unattractive about yourself. Why are they with you? Why don’t they leave to find someone else?
In truth, attractiveness is great for starting a relationship but the relationship will evolve to become more about the connection you both share. In-jokes are the best part, old arguments are the worst. But it’s something no one else would understand because it’s between you two.
Wake up with your partner, see them after a night of restless sleep or being sick for a few days. No one is attractive then and hopefully this shows that attractiveness is not the only requirement for loving someone. The only requirement is that you love them, whole and true, for as long as you can.
If you don’t love your partner, or find yourself doubting, have the courage to solve that difficulty. Be honest with yourself AND your partner. They are living with the hope that each day will be another in the story of your lives. Lying to them by hiding how you feel is building interest on a pain that could have been avoided.
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That is quite literally not how attraction works.
As someone already mentioned, the more you get to know a person, the more attractive (or less attractive) they objectively become to you. I firmly believed that my wife was beautiful, and as our relationship soured and she started cheating on me, she quite literally became physically uglier in my eyes.
It’s just how the brain works. If you love someone, they’re beautiful. End of story.
I didn’t think people who stay in stable long term relationships look at it that way. The first thing to realize is that our brains are wonderful things. For instance I know my wife isn’t going to model on the front page of Sports Illustrated any time soon. But to me she really is more attractive.
The more we find out about how our brains work in relationships, the less the idea of having to be perfect makes sense. Both with beauty and personality. If you have the best body and personality according to society then you’re not unique. Millions of people are trying to make themselves into that image. Being yourself and being healthy are far more likely to land someone who actually cares about you.
Being attractive is mainly helpful in getting dates and having casual sex. Beyond that there needs to be actual compatibility of some kind, solid relationship skills, and a willingness to work at the relationship. Those are far more important over the long term than classic beauty because when you’re older that’s what’s going to be there.
That all said, I’m not aware of anyone “settling” in the modern era. We seem to be far more content with our friend groups unless there’s really something there.
Of all the things you love about someone, looks shouldn’t even make the list.
I think what happens is that other attributes that they’re attracted to make the person more attractive to them, so that they aren’t weighting solely physical appearance. As in, they might not choose to hook with that person, but would still see that person as a solid choice for a life partner.
That said, it’s horribly cruel to get into a relationship with someone that you have zero sexual desire towards, unless that person has no sexual desire at all. You may not be physically attracted to them, but you should still desire them sexually.
