I got divorced like 5 months ago after a 9 years with this girl who cheated on me, emotionally abused me, etc etc
I’ve been suicidal since the split, getting worse by the day still, and literally nobody ever asked if I was OK, aside from my mom. Even when I begged close friends for support they basically just ghosted me. My ex is surrounded by support, from the same people who I thought were my best friends.
Do I just have shitty people around me or is this just what guys deal with? The attitude towards me is just “get over it”. I’ve lost almost everyone I’m close to because of this and I’m starting to think there might actually be one viable option of getting over it because existing is simply torture. All of 2025 felt like just a bad dream but it’s unfortunately real.
Edit: Yes I have a counselor - a very good one I see weekly.
The honest truth is that people simply don’t see value in males the way they see value in females.
Who the fuck talks about people having our not having “value?” The fact that people don’t like you has nothing to do with you being a man, buddy. It has to do with you being a shitty, miserable person
Yikes.
And you’ll be called an incel when you point out the double standard
It all depends on how you state it. I’ve never been called an incel when talking to grown-ass adults about these issues, but I also don’t have to turn to misogyny in doing so. (Not saying this is how you do it, it’s just a generality, and I’ve seen it a sickening amount of times online) That toxic masculinity really shines through when I see men posting online talking about double standards because the focus is on blame. Make it a positive discussion about how you’d like things to be rather than hate towards those holding you back.
Oh dear God. Did I miss my invite to the incel pity party. I mean it’s not like we men literally control the world or anything.
That’s why men have no support I’m pretty sure. Men don’t care for other men
Thanks for proving me right.
The honest truth is that toxic masculinity is perpetuating an environment of hostility towards showing the need for emotional support and giving fellow men who need it.
Women receive emotional support from other women because they have been socialized to give and receive it without shame.
If you are a man, ask yourself when was the last time you were able to express emotional vulnerability with other men without feeling judged.
This isn’t an issue of ‘value in females’. It’s an issue of valuing men’s emotion vulnerability as a critical part of healthy masculinity.
Did you read the OP?
Yes. I’m going to cut to the point here.
You are likely conflating the phrase ‘toxic masculinity’ with ‘men’. Toxic masculinity is a systemic problem, not a gender. It’s the cultural norms we grow up with that instill poor notions of what it means to be a man. It’s the widespread shaming and dismissal of men’s mental health. It’s the normalization of anger as the only acceptable emotion for men, making it the only outlet for their grief and pain. It’s the preclusion of men from caretaking roles and the expectation of men being breadwinners, and so much more.
Men are raised by people, and people, men and women alike, in their ignorance, instill outdated ideas of masculinity in their kids uphold the expectations of their peers and elders.
My circle of friends before and after my divorce are almost completely different. Only 1 of my college friends stuck around. And my ex straight up moved across country. So it’s not like they were supporting her and not me. I would recommend you do what I did. Pick up a hobby that requires you to interact with other people. I picked up dancing and Dungeons and Dragons. It really helped me build new friendships and restart my life. It really sucks, and it’s extra hard building relationships when you are in your current state, but it does help.
Men tend to really struggle to make and maintain friendships. That’s not just you. Anyone who thinks you need to “get over it” can get fucked. Healing from an experience like that takes time.
It sounds like you’re already going to therapy. The other thing that helped me a lot was self-care. Be intentional about going doing things that you enjoy. I spent lots of time fishing and playing golf. It was therapeutic in its own way.
Men are disposable in a genetic and social sense
Add on top of that patriarchy hurts us too, forwarding the ‘strong silent’ fiction
Everyone is shitty nowadays, not just your circle
hitting half a century this year, no one except me has ever given a fuck about my struggles
It’s how it goes. Same thing happened to me at 30, it sucks. Just be happy you don’t have kids together I’m guessing, then you’ll be connected forever attending weddings and graduations. Time to make a clean break and move on, not worth your time to dwell on the past.
Holy shit man, reading your story was just slightly diffrent than mine. Like looking into a mirror.
My partner broke up with me 5 months ago, we’ve been together for 11 years with a kid of 5 years old.
I lost it a couple weeks ago now and had to be checked into a mental facility. My sister is helping my ex and long story short no one is on my side. I have one friend and my Mum doing her best to help, but if you ever want to talk. I’m here for you dude.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this, it sucks getting no to little support and being betrayed like this. Please if you’re in a bad head space, I’ll be here for you and do my best to get back ASAP.
Younger dudes who haven’t gone through shit aren’t able to empathize with what you are going through. They don’t have the emotional maturity to understand how and when someone needs some support. Finally they are still fighting against what they think society expects a man to be. All of which means that men hide their feelings from other men and expect other men to do the same or else they are week or something is wrong with them. Which is complete and utter bullshit. You are not the problem their programing and lack of life experience is.
With all that being said. How are you doing today? Are you able to get out and socialize this weekend? Have you considered picking up a new hobby that you have to do with other people? I recommend scuba diving. Good luck and check back in periodically because we want you to thrive.
Why do you assume that OP only has/had male friends?
I can’t speak to the experience of an emotionally stunted woman.
Women are also fed lies that men don’t need emotional support. Also, women are told constantly that men don’t want to be friends with them and only want sex.
So there’s a good chance his friends that are women think he’s not having a hard time and/or he wants to sleep with them instead of talk.
I’m sorry OP that you are going through this. The advice to join an in person hobby or interest group is probably best. (To supplement your therapy)
Also, it’s also entirely possible, since it’s been 5 months, that everyone is overwhelmed with life and the world. I know I’ve not reached out as often to my friends the last 6 months (I’m stressed by country and the grief of losing my dad a few months ago.)
Also you say it seems like everyone is supporting your ex. Are they really? Or is she holding them hostage with her drama and steamrolling into their lives?
Seconding this. Because let’s face it, there absolutely is a pattern of women assuming the man is at fault and sticking with that assumption.
Are you ok? I cant do much for ya but sorry no one has gotten outside themselves enough to see youre hurting.
Men are taught not to care for each other
Nah I’ll be there for my bros
Men may be taught not to care about randoms they don’t know, but not dudes they care about. What is more important is that guys are never taught and never see modeled, how to care for men during some important moments of life. Men don’t know how to care for each other anymore than women know how to care for men. Not that they don’t want to. How to care for a man during a divorce is not modeled by men or women, because society doesn’t actively care for men. It has to happen first for it to be modelled. Lots of men aren’t comfortable attempting to provide support in such vulnerable moments when they have no idea what to do.
Actually the main issue is men aren’t taught how to provide emotional support. I have difficulty with it myself.
Men are there for their bros. But generally men expect their bros to ask for more physical support. Lend a tool, some muscle, use their car, help them carry furniture, lend some cash. Men will be perfectly ok to help a bro out at the drop of a hat for things like that.
But ask how to figure out how to get over a relationship? Uhhh…
Aktually…
That sounds really tough and I’m so sorry you’ve been struggling. It’s really good that you have a counselor and you’re talking things through with someone who will help you learn how to advocate for yourself. The people in your life who were ghosting you might be a combination of shitty people and people who are afraid/uncomfortable with your new lifestyle. The only thing that matters now is tending to yourself and building a life that fits and feels right. Lots of good advice on here about finding hobbies that keep you engaged and will support you in finding new friends. If anything I’ll be your friend and check in with you, so hit up my dm’s anytime.
You should seek some help or at least find a support group. Churches have them and usually aren’t too godly about the if you are opposed to religion.
Also stay off social media. It’s only a window into the best parts of someones life.
As if my SO would ever go through Lemmy
If the people you thought you were close to have ghosted you and are supporting her instead, consider that she may not be honest about the reasons you are divorced and has convinced them she is the sole victim.
It sounds horrible, and one would hope a true friend would ask for your story first. But it’s pretty common to readily believe the women are the victims in unhealthy relationships, especially of men.
We dont want to judge, dismiss or blame victims, so we readily believe people when they claim to be one. This is especially true of women.
What got me through what sounds like a very similar divorce for me was being a part of a hobby with an inperson community that met weekly in every large city around me.
I drove probably 300 miles a week going to events to do anything to get my mind off life and spend time with people I actually liked, doing something I enjoyed.
Things that come to mind that will meet this are martial arts, fighting games, and outdoor activities (like biking or hiking groups).
Yes, you appear to have shitty people around you, and sadly it is very common for men to deal with this after a divorce. Keep talking to a counselor, dude.
I too had to completely rebuild my friend network after my divorce. It was and still is to some degree an ongoing issue. I also had support from my mother. All of my close friends either ghosted me or literally took the side of my exw. Seeing people I knew for a decade or more walk away or take the side of my ex was humiliating and hurtful.
My ex was an expert on abuse. She was a counselor and therapist herself. Knew all the tricks.
That was 15 years ago. The first year is hard. After that, it gets better because you will focus on yourself, physically and mentally. And you’ll be careful about future people, friendly but cautious, maybe wary. Try to remember who you were before marriage. The second year will be better, healthier. You’ll still have moments of grief and sadness and loss but you’ll be OK. It’ll give you time to regain ownership over yourself.
In time, you’ll be good, maybe 33M, and thankful you don’t have a cheating abusive person in your life to steal more years from you. You got this.
Thank you man.
