Preferably in real life and without religion or alcohol.
The workplace?
The closest I had to this actually was my old workplace, but power dynamics, workplace stress, and a lack of shared purpose were my biggest problems.
Having your behavior controlled by management, friendly coworkers who suddenly become cold-hearted backstabbers if they find out they can gain financially from it, etc
Stressful days where we were overworked also brought out the worst in everyone, including me at the time, which was also not fun…
Depending on the job, there could also just be a lot of people who don’t want to be there other than for the money, and in those cases, there isn’t really a uniting greater purpose that everyone believes in.
I think it might work for some people, but the conditions have to be right. For me personally, the corrosive and anti-social influence of money makes me wary of really trusting or connecting with people on a genuine level in work environments.
Meetup has helped - especially around RPGs and board games. Having a weekly group of friends meeting up with a shared topic helps.
I once went to a woodworking store to get supplies for one of my brief ADHD hobbies, and the guy there mentioned that they have classes and there were some carvings on display that people made. It sounded like a nice, small group of people and if I wasn’t so lazy and socially anxious I might’ve enjoyed joining.
I’m having some luck in building a community through my yoga practice. It’s challenging as a beginner because everyone just goes to yoga and then jets off to their next thing.
But I have become very serious with it and am preparing to get my teacher certification. Now I am starting to connect with people who share thtat level of dedication.
Now you could say this is religion technically, but it is so vastly different from the defective and derivative brand of xtianity I had pushed upon me as a youth that it doesn’t feel that way. Practicing Mormonism never gave me lickable abs.
The core is basically this.
- Go where the humans are. Do so on a regular basis. It doesn’t really matter where, so long as it’s a place where a) socialization is not actively discouraged, and b) people are likely to show up more than once.
- Talk to as many humans as possible until you find humans you click with.
- Bring other people into the fold as you meet them.
There are environments that make this easier - hobby groups, certain ‘scenes’ in your area (music, art, etc.), volunteer organizations, etc. - but you can start the work pretty much anywhere humans congregate.
Are there any hobbiest groups re: digital art or adjacent activities in your area (zine making socials always sounded pretty fun)? Is there something you’ve always wanted to try that’s on offer as a group event? Start there, talk to the humans, show up more than once and there’s a good chance you’ll be off to a good start.
…said the kettle.
One time I had a contract gig which had me showing up to the same office building M-F for about six months.
There was a coffee shop where I got my morning coffee on the way in to work.
I made myself a rule that after I was handed my coffee, I would stay for 60 seconds making small talk with others in the shop before I left.
Within a couple of weeks I knew everybody who hung out in that shop and everybody who worked behind the counter. It was a very warm, fulfilling part of my day to stop and chat with the people there. Ended up spending 5-10 minutes daily.
And all it took was a commitment to delay my departure by 60 seconds. It was so easy to just say “thanks” and zip out the door with my coffee.
I am also a kettle, but I figured I needed some motivation in my life to get to know more people. Moving from Norway to Bumfuck, Nowhere in Denmark has made it hard to make friends, but my wife and I got a puppy two weeks ago, and have signed him up for puppy training classes with other puppies. We’ll also use the dog park in the towns nearby to meet people. I think that’s a good way to meet people.
I’d also like to add that getting a puppy on a whim in NOT a good idea. We talked about this for years, and planned for months. My depression has gotten so much better, buy jesus christ, he can be a little hellspawn lol 😂
The dog park is an excellent choice, from what I’ve heard from dog owners. Between that, walkies forcing you to get out and moving regularly, and good ol’ fashioned companionship, dogs are just great in general, though certainly require a high level of commitment and care.
Dogs are great! People who like dogs - generally not the mean Pit Bulls, or Rottweiler types though - are good people. You can jog and hike with your dog. They are great conversation starters.
Note: Not saying Pits and Rots are mean but some people tend to get them because they want a dog perceived to be vicious and proceed to train them that way.I don’t have a dog, but seeing a happy dog is a sure way to brighten my day!
Not sure if you mean without alcohol as in without you yourself needing to drink, or if you mean where do you find an entire community who doesn’t drink.
If you’re looking for athiest teetotallers, you’re already cutting out more than three quarters of people you’ll ever meet, so no wonder you may be finding it hard.
If you’re anywhere slightly populated, check out local festivals and street markets that get stood up on a regular schedule. Where I am there’s usually a weekly farmer’s market in a few cities nearby. If you want to volunteer to set-up or work at one they always have the most friendly, community-based people. You’ll have to not be anti-social for long enough to make friends with people, but normally it will be the same group who goes to every street festival and market, and you’ll recognize all the vendors and workers (who are chill people).
board game cafes!
In the meantime [email protected]
A fellow Belle of the Ranch viewer in the wild, wonderful ✨️
I haven’t figured this out entirely, but I’ve found a partial solution in being part of a men’s group.
We meet weekly to discuss our feelings.
After a couple years in that group, one of the other guys requested that someone call him a few times per week because he needed an impetus to keep moving. He was battling depression and laziness, and wanted someone to check in on him.
I volunteered to call him three times a week. It was only going to be a few weeks at first, but we kept it up.
Now it’s been about six months of me calling him on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday morning. I told him I’d be happy to call him like this for the next fifty years if that’s what it takes.
I live alone, and don’t really see anyone on a regular basis except for this group. I don’t know my neighbors, nor anyone in my neighborhood. I’ve considered joining a church to have some community, but I don’t want to distort my relationship with God.
But this morning I spoke with that guy. He’s not physically present, but our ongoing commitment to this phone call schedule creates an abstract “meeting place” where we encounter each other regularly.
It really works. It’s like sharing a kitchen with someone, and bumping into them there on a recurring basis.
I think it would be great if more people made arrangements like that. I think it would be great if there were a community here on Lemmy just for the purpose of setting such arrangements up.
Regular, recurring connection is magic.
In college I had a classmate that I enjoyed speaking with. Somehow we decided that we were going to have breakfast every Saturday morning at Le Peep, just the two of us.
We did that for an entire year of college, and it formed a deep bond. We became best friends, as a result of seeing each other regularly.
I myself don’t have the bandwidth to take on a lot of such connections, but if anyone is interested in trying such an arrangement please respond to this comment and y’all can pair off.
The arrangement I would propose is this:
- Set up a recurring schedule. Same time on the same day every week
- One of you calls the other
- Have some specific questions planned, in order to kick start the conversation. With this guy from my men’s group, I started off by asking him three questions: “How are you feeling right now? How did yesterday go in terms of your plans and objectives? What are your plans/objectives for today?” This was to help him keep moving in the depression/laziness he was experiencing. Now after months we’ve abandoned the formulaic structure and we just talk
- Treat it as important. Stick to the commitment and make the calls. Lots of people don’t stick to their commitments, and that sucks. Commitment creates consistency, and consistency is the heart of community.
If anyone would like to experiment with this, I can call you regularly for a short period of time to teach you how it’s done. I can’t afford a lot of long-term commitments right now, but I’d be happy to put in some effort to help people understand the technique.
you seem like such a great guy. 🙏
I’m getting better. The other men in the group are helping. They’ve helped me heal a lot of trauma, and they hold me accountable for promises I make.
Meet up has a lot of groups with a variety of activities. You can find hiking, biking, swimming, reading, knitting, quilting, art of various forms, board game, DND, video game, canoeing, kayaking, trivia night, yoga, meditation, foodie, singles, couples, and ither groups to be part of.
For me, it was a writing group. The guy that leads it just threw a holiday party for us, and I love those, because the group is a wide range of ages, from all walks of life, and they’re all smart and interesting, and we all love stories. It makes for great in-depth conversations
Pretending you enjoy normie stuff like star wars or Axe throwing.
You may even find you… enjoy it. 😱
Get involved with something that requires a community.
Sounds stupid, but there’s plenty of things that require groups of people to be possible. Community sports, political activism, board games and cards, etc. typically have easy to join communities created for the express purporse of doing the one thing.
Local ttrpg store
