So I used to run a successful construction business but last year an accident happened during an assignment & not only did the business go bankrupt but also went into huge debt from all the legal stuff I had to pay off. Sold house, sold cars, sold everything valuable. Now I have a day job which doesn’t pay super well. I have a son and I feel like I’m letting him down, even though he’d never admit it; on the contrary, he always comforts me & tells me he’s happy with what we have. I basically cut off all of my personal expenses to spend the money on him. I feel so bad everyday.
Vocabulary is loaded. The words “rich” and “poor” conflate munificence with success or happiness. When we see an injured animal and say, “That poor creature!”, we are obviously not talking about its bank account. By the same token, being short of money is a problem but it absolutely does not make you a “failure”.
My dad made a ton of money and barely spent a dime on me, so your son doesn’t care about your success, he cares that you care about him and his well-being.
When kids grow up they will be bitter about absent father, they are never when pops was around and taking care of them.
Money is secondary to this.
Being poor sucks, being unloved and uncared for results in mental issues.
THIS!
Rich people go bankrupt all the time and it doesn’t make their quality of life any worse.
Trump has been bankrupt at least six times.
The problem isn’t that you went bankrupt, the problem is that you can only do it once before losing everything. The problem isn’t you, it’s the system that’s fucked up.
I don’t know what works for you, but I do the following.
- Feel your feelings. Base feelings for me are sadness, joy, anger, etc. the feeling is connected to an event, but not the same as the event.And I am not my feelings, I am just having a feeling. Feeling this feeling puts me in touch with something either vital or reframes my perspective.
- Reorient your goals. This can be either shifting your sense of worth to something more important to you than your work or a recommitment to attaining what was lost. This doesn’t always happen on the first pass, but I’m able to lift my head up at this point and look around.
- Make small tasks that build towards that goal. Or just connecting with the day and the people in my life.
- Reconnect to your support structure. This is just as important to you as it is for them. They want to see you thrive and see the best in you re-emerge.
- Rinse and repeat. Stumbling is normal. Successes happen. Feel those feelings again. And again.
I don’t know if this will work for you, but this has been a process that works for me.
After having gone through a number of setbacks in my life that challenged my self-identity, I realized that I needed to reassess both what I considered to be what made me “me”, and what made me worthwhile, which is similar but not the same.
You are not your job or your salary, and you are worth more than your salary. Find new target for what makes self-worth for you. It will give you better rewards than cash when you strive for them, and will give you a better perspective about money than if you tie your identity and self-worth to how much you can make.
Money is a carrot on a stick. It’s not fulfillment.
We find lasting fulfillment and self-worth through our connections with each other. With your kid, with your co-workers. With other people in your life.
Try consciously putting your attention on the things that are actually fulfilling. Money doesn’t buy happiness. It does make life easier. But happiness is the time you spend with your kid, not the money you spend on him.
I don’t believe I’m a failure. I believe civilization as a whole is.
I had a stroke two years ago and have been living on $30 a week ever since. You just keep going.
I’ve been laid off 3 times since 2018. The first time was from my job of 6 years that I was pretty set in making my career. I was making money, I was getting promotions, it was looking like I’d have a nice long tenure there. Then came the corporate restructuring.
I got into a really weak job after a few months of unemployment cause the job market was rough. It gave me flexibility but the job itself was low pay and low responsibility.
Then Covid came and I got laid off again. Company stopped doing business in that field.
Found ANOTHER company that was similar but paid better and kept my flexibility. Was good for about 4 years then came corporate restructuring.
Now I’m back at the business from 2018 but under a new product lineup.
Point of all this is: I learned a valuable lesson in having less “successful” work. I learned how to actually value my time and the people who I provide for. At my career gig, I put in so many hours and really pushed myself, in the jobs after, I’ve been able to put my mental health first and take care of my family better. Sure it’s less money, but it’s more attention.
Money isn’t what kids need, they need you to be there for them first and foremost. Money just makes it easier to do things.
Good luck, and I hope your situation gets better.
Were you under insured?
I’m sorry that happened to you. What do you want to do next in life?
One of the best lessons you can teach him is how to pick himself back up and keep moving. Make some goals. Talk about the goals with him. Talk about basic setbacks when they come up and how you change you plan to get around them. Life shit on you. It happens to us all in various degrees. It’ll happen to him so one of the best gifts you can give him is teaching him how to overcome it.
You don’t have to get back to the same place you were, or even the same occupation. But make goals of some sort and strive for them. I hope for the best for you.
Teach your kid how the world works so they’re prepared for it and don’t go through the same thing. Most of us didn’t have parents that cared enough to bother and it’s a huge advantage to know in advance that everything in this country is predatory and precarious.
Damn dude if you owned a business and had a car or a house you’re way ahead of basically everyone I know. Most of us just struggling to pay rent.
Being poor isn’t a failure. You had bad luck and didn’t have things in place to protect yourself, which was a mistake. Learn from it. You’ve been up there before and know the path to it. Try and do better and you might make it again.
I bet your son will remember more about how you being there for him than the failure - regardless of whether you’re poor or not in the future.
someone the other day posted a link to CT Fletcher talking about willpower and in that video he says something that resonates with me here (and I’m paraphrasing): when you do your best, it’s never a failure, it’s a victory. because you did your best. that you didn’t achieve some (possibly unattainable) goal is irrelevant, because the success is determined by the efforts you made. (and there are MANY ways to interpret those wise words and make them applicable to yourself).
as a single father, i’m constantly struggling with similar thoughts you describe. I often feel like i’m struggling to just survive. but when I see that my kid is happy, and that he’s following my advice (like: ‘never be afraid to speak your mind’ and ‘cleaning your room makes your life better’, etc) and I realize that yeah I’m absolutely doing the best for him that I can, then the whole rest of this shit sandwich doesn’t suck so bad.
there are many measures of wealth, and only ONE of them is by how many dollars are in your pocket. collect those smiles and those ‘i love you, dad’ and they’ll keep you going when money won’t.
