Jealous of how close you are & how much time you spend together. I’m in this situation myself, involving my (second) wife & my son.
Since you’re married, I consider the bar for ‘red flag’ to be quite a bit higher, but the answer to this depends on some missing context.
It’s only a red flag if they have unreasonable expectations to the point that it’s harmful to either of you, and they aren’t willing to entertain the notion that the problem might not actually be the perceived lack of attention/companionship but rather the unreasonable amount they’re expecting.
Healthy relationships are founded on vulnerability, emotional intimacy, selflessness, being able to have real candid discussions on problems and come together to work towards a solution. It’s not that healthy relationships are always devoid of unhealthy things, it’s that the parties are willing to come together and fix the bad stuff.
That said, it’s not a red flag if they’re feeling this way due to totally unreasonable expectations, even if they’re convinced that the expectations are very reasonable, just so long as they’re able to acknowledge that your feelings matter too and that this is causing strife and it’s something they’re willing to at least try to find some sort of compromise or middle ground.
And it’s definitely not a red flag if they have very reasonable expectations by anyone’s standards and they simply aren’t being met.
But boil it down and the only red flag is if they or you would rather build a trench between you two rather than coming to the table willing to discuss how to navigate through it
What kind of “jealous of your kid”?
Like the guy who were jealous his newborn son was being breastfeed by his wife, or emotional cheating with their own adult kids?
Well, for example: one time my son came into my room to read me some of his writing (he writes for fun) and I was in bed watching TV, so he joined me with his laptop. Wife was out at the time and made a huge scene about my son being in our bed (?) - in private, so son didn’t hear anything. I thought the whole thing was very weird. Or when my son would cook and he’d bring me some, she’d say things such as oh, you don’t like my cooking, then have him cook all of your meals. That kind of jealous. It’s a very uncomfortable situation.
She may have self esteem issues. She could be codependent.
My stepmother did these sorts of things in the beginning, but she was still in her twenties at that time. I didn’t understand then (being just a kid ofc) but I’ve forgiven her now. And to her credit she’s mellowed quite a bit as well. But this peace was many many years in the making. I think you both should seek couple’s therapy to raise and discuss both of your issues in a safe loving space, and it may become clear during those sessions that she needs to also have individual therapy.
If she balks at couple’s therapy, then THAT is a red flag.
I think that it depends on why, how, and how much. If she’s feeling neglected and/or isolated I wouldn’t say that it’s a red flag, but if she wants your exclusive attention, to the expense of your son, it might be.
Run away while you still can
Really hard to give advice when there’s a lot of factors involved, like:
- how long have you been together with your kid and your second wife?
- did she know what she was signing up to?
- how much time are you dedicating to her vs to the kid?
And then, jealousy is a subjective feeling. Now because you know how she feels, if you are spending basically no time with her then you might be able to carve out some more time for the both of you, but the main part of dealing with the feels is on her. Growing a better connection to you or the kid is also on her. And communication is key. Relationships are hard and complicated, that’s why you gotta talk a lot.
Lay it out flat and say “yes I’m spending time with my kid.”. Jealousy or not, you don’t have to change your relationship with your kid (unless you want to, but this isn’t a common thing to have to do).
As for the root issue, your partner either needs some hobbies to preoccupy her time, or the three of you can spend time together.
