I, just wanna stop feeling anything. Never had friends but I could live with that, but I just want someone to embrace, someone that feels something for me, even if doesn’t last. Better than 0 for the rest of my life. This situation is slowly killing me.
The only thing that gives me some relief is gaming… (I read the post of like a week ago here that several dudes met their partner thanks to a videogame and I felt even sadder, why that wasn’t me? I’ve been gaming for 30 years now).
I’m not one of those people who cares about wealth, good looks, etc. I’m just genuinely someone who is on her own a lot, more socially than in terms of coupling. For a few reasons, I am a fish out of water in my area, which is to me what Rock Bottom was to Spongebob. I can’t expand on the few unreachable freebie friends I have so as long as I score a zero in conversationalism and so as long as neither school or work has helped in this regard. The most interaction I get a day is with my pup, and I barely speak a dozen or so sentences a day. On top of all that, almost everyone wants me to be their GF/mate/whatever, leading to the added precaution of socialization traps, not least since I have an awkwardly low drive or physical focus, and I’m talking mostly about people who won’t take no for an answer. I’ve only ever fully (as opposed to interpretively incompletely) obliged once, and despite us still being close, that’s a part of how I ever knew the difference in the first place.
My darling, it sounds as if you have very low self esteem. That’s a learned belief, and a survival mechanism. How accessible is therapy to you? Better if good therapy is available, but that’s pricey where I live. I can’t give you a hug irl; please wrap your arms around yourself and know, just know, that’s a long, firm cyber hug from me. Best best best to you, and I’ve to begin another level of study on my vocational path and it is intense. So if I don’t reply for some days, just know my time is so very scant and I will reply as I can.
Or maybe, you know? Life sucks in general for some of us? Therapy won’t do shit for us.
That’s a victim/lack mentality. And life will continue to suck as long as you continue to wallow in it. I guess I would know, since I stayed in it for decades. I got tired of it enough that I went into therapy for another decade, longer if you count the off and on. After I couldn’t afford a good therapist, I had a nde due to a physical assault, which led to a complete ego death, and that can only go three ways: flight it and end up institutionalized or on the streets; surrender into it and do the work to come out better, surrender into it, then get arrogant again and life starts sucking again. Your choice.
Of course none of that needed to happen, if I’d had good, consistent therapy available on a continuing basis, or effectively learned some of the other techniques Iike replacing negative self talk with encouraging and empowering self talk, self soothing, self nurturing.
In the end, the choice is yours: get sicker and life gets worse; or do the necessary hard work to get better, and realize it will also suck, for a time, be patient, with others and yourself, have a daily gratitude practice. Either way, no one’s coming to save you, since no one can save you but you. And that’s not going to happen until you decide your actually worth doing all that hard, dirty work, for as long as it takes.