For better or worse. Small scale or large. Personal or shared. What is an event you’ve experienced that changed the way you act, live, feel, etc. It could be short-term or long. Share what you feel comfortable with. Triumphs and tragedies alike.
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When I was 6 years old, an older kid pressured me into smoking a cigarette. I didn’t get sick or anything. I just didn’t like it and decided one was enough. Never knew the best decision of my life would be made at that age.
Negative experience: got half my face ripped off by a dog as a kid. I’m scared of almost all dogs now and I panic around heelers.
Positive experience: going to college. I’m considerably successful because I decided to go on a whim lol.
Hope you’re doing okay and face is healed up as much as you want it to be. Tbh, dogs freak me out too. Which is a shame, because I dig them in theory. But in actuality, I am not really here for two of the major pets of this world. Which is a shit situation to be in, and I can’t even imagine how shit it must be now that everyone’s out here taking their dogs around everywhere. I hope you’ve got some solid help =/!
Get that college money =)! It’s big. You know, idk if you’re family promoted it or anything but it really does seem to be the secret to stability. I mean, you might not be a Rockefeller. But it really does help expand your chances for a better life.
Thank you for the encouragement.
One of the best child plastic surgeons happened to be in town when I got attacked and he took my case. Can’t even tell anything happened. He did a GREAT job.
As for college and making money, I’m not family oriented per se (I don’t want kids and I’m single ATM), but I have pets (2 dogs, 2 cats, and 11 ducks) and I want to buy a horse eventually at the stables I volunteer at. The horse is a few years off because boarding is expensive, but it’s an obtainable goal lol. Just gotta get promoted, which I am working towards with the guidance of my boss and the owner/president of the company.
Yooo! You’re treating your dog thing by HAVING DOGS! Hahahaha, I love it! I wish I could get behind either. Dogs kinda freak me out, because I have sensory issues with drool and I hate sudden noises. And cats, I’m just unfortunately allergic. But never really dug them, because one scratched up my face as a little ninja. Ducks though, that’s something different. My friend from Ohio is the only other person I know who’s had them. Two to be exact. But that’s really something different.
Sounds like you’ve got land, which is a nice thing to have. And time, which is also good stuff. I don’t know too much about horses, but my partner says there’s a primal connection between horses and humans. Says there’s nothing like riding a horse on this planet. Gotta be wonderful. Sounds like you’re in a good space. Perhaps consider finding a mentee, so that you can share going both ways. There’s a lot of wonderful individuals inside of organizations who might have the fixins for greater but get stuck because they can’t seem to get a leg up. If you can think of anyone in that boat, consider reaching out and forming a relationship. This is going to sound absolutely awful, but I think being a mentor looks quite good as well. Because it requires a series of characteristics which are desirable in the world of business. But it also is a solid act, because you get to repay the favor that someone might have lent to you. Either way, I hope you enjoy your horse when you get them a couple of years down the road =)!
Your partner is totally right about horses. I had a mare growing up that knew my my depression was getting bad and did her best to cheer me up. There’s a horse I love at the stables I volunteer at who is similar. She knows when I’m down or frustrated or whatever and demands attention lol. Hopefully she stays that way once she has her foal and doesn’t become a hella protective mama lol
Is she who you plan on purchasing down the line? I’m not sure entirely how it works. Yeah, my gal loves horses. Loves skateboarding more. Maybe someday I’ll get on one? Maybe not. Either way, it’s cool. I think I might have missed my chance a hundred years ago and not even thought about it cause I knew someone who went to school for it. Instead I just hung with the horse folk, and we drank some of the most heinous alcohol known to man. Was chill though.
I was in a sport team for a while and they hadn’t been treating me well for a while. One day, I slipped and fell during training. Instead of somebody helping me up, the majority of the team laughed at me. Something in my mind snapped that day and it nearly led to my first ever physical altercation. However, my punch just turned into a feint with the thought “fuck this, I’m out”.
That was the day I learned not to let things boil until they explode. Put me into any salad and I’m not the calmest cucumber, but I have never let things get that close again and always speak up or just straight up leave before getting too heated. Life’s just too short to stay in a bad situation you can get out of.
I once learned that there’s seemingly two types of people in this world. People who laugh at other’s pain, and people who see someone’s hurt and go to them. The cruelest dips I’ve ever met are the laughers. The biggest hearts, of course the helpers. I have tried to make sense of it. Like…well laughing is how we handle things that challenge us so that it makes us feel better. But I really think maybe it really boils down to this. And I am sorry people literally took your happiness away from something you loved. Fuck bullies! You speak that truth there though, life is too short for that bs.
Some of us are actively working on ourselves every day, and understanding what makes you tick and how you got there is a big part of it.
Unfortunately I have a carrer that promotes derision, fortunately I’ve had a partner for 25 years helping me get my empathy back.
As long as you know your way home, you’ll be alright. People rag on love, because it’s seen as this cheesy thing. You know? But really, there’s something magical about a partner who can heal your soul. That’s good stuff, and I’m glad you’ve got someone who does that for you. Cheers!
I’ll give you the incredibly brief version.
When I was seven my mom kidnapped me.
I managed to get a hold of my dad 6 years later, but nothing bad ever happened to her because of it.
Following that, my mom and stepdad essentially locked me in my room from the time I was 16 until I graduated high school about 2 months after I turned 17.
I was the valedictorian, a year ahead of my class. Kind of neat huh?
Only, my stepdad would occasionally come in and just attack me. I was punished for not doing enough school work by being forced out of my bed at 6:00 in the morning to go and dig up stumps in the backyard or to pick up a 40 to 120 lb Rock and carry it from one corner of the yard to the other corner of the yard where there was a pile of rocks, pick up a different rock out of that pile carry it to the third pile and then back and forth over and over and over until sundown.
Then I would come in, be fed, and then have to do more school work.
I lost all of my friends. I lost all of my self esteem. The day after I graduated, I left with my dad, who was not aware of this because my mom lied to him about it.
I was pretty wrecked and my dad didn’t know how to cope with that so he gave me a truck and sent me back after about 5 or 6 months, and not having anywhere else to go I moved back in with my mom.
Literally a month later my stepdad tried to pull some shit and told me if I didn’t go to work when they were leaving that I should pack up my stuff and not be there when they get back, so I packed up my stuff end of the truck my dad gave me and left.
I was homeless for about 2 years couch surfing with friends and trying to get my shit together and I was reaching out to God for help.
And on the first real date of my life I went out with this girl, we saw a movie, we got high we came back to my room at my friend’s house and had sex.
And it was not very good all the way around, but then after I took her home and dropped her off it was like the scales fell off of my eyes, a bolt of lightning came down from the heavens and struck me hard in the heart, and I became aware of all of the sins I had committed in my life. All of my failings. All the things that were wrong with me.
And I was so broken I couldn’t even cry, honestly I may have actually cried once or twice since then.
I was devastated.
And it’s like, all the things that I thought I would be when I grew up went away. I could deal with the shit my mom and my stepdad pulled and I could deal with not being understood because I had a destiny and I had a dream and I was going to make it, and then I found out I was just a piece of shit, a crappy worthless human being whom, if I had never been born, the world would be a better place.
And there’s a lot I’m leaving out but yeah, from that I started trying to rehabilitate myself. I’ve gone from being a worthless piece of shit to being useful fertilizer I guess.
I still have a long way to go and I don’t know if I’ll make it.
I am very sorry to hear that happened to you.
I was punished for not doing enough school work by being forced out of my bed at 6:00 in the morning to go and dig up stumps in the backyard or to pick up a 40 to 120 lb Rock and carry it from one corner of the yard to the other corner of the yard where there was a pile of rocks, pick up a different rock out of that pile carry it to the third pile and then back and forth over and over and over until sundown
Nazi concentration camp guards used to torture prisoners by doing this to them. Many of those subjected to this committed suicide by running into the electric fences or charging the armed guards.
I clearly remember there was one time when I had a pickaxe in my hand and I was digging up a tree stump for punishment over something and I asked my stepdad if I could get the pickaxe sharpened to make my job easier and he said no.
And then he turned and walked away and clear as a flash of lightning I knew in that one moment that all I had to do was use this inordinate amount of strength that I had and take that pickaxe and drive it through his skull and this current misery that I am in would end.
And I’m glad that I didn’t do it, but sometimes when I’m perseverating I think about that moment.
Have you done therapy about this?
@bizarroland @cashmaggot Hey, I don’t know what this will mean to you coming from a complete stranger. You’ve clearly never had a mom, though, or a dad, so let me share with you what they never did.
You are not your past. You are not your things. You are not your circumstances. The only person you are destined to become is the person you decide to be.
Those experiences don’t have to define you. No one else is allowed to tell you what your worth is or who you’ll be. The person you were yesterday is dead, and the person you are tomorrow doesn’t exist. There is only today, there is only ever today. So somewhere inside of you, I want you to think really hard about who that person is, who you are. If you don’t like what you see, that’s okay. I think we’ve all been there. What’s important is that you decide what matters to you, what your values are, what your worth is, who you’re going to be, and then you live it. It takes time and practice, but what doesn’t? Who was born knowing how to ride a bike, or swim, or count to a million, or anything else? Just work on it, every single day, and you’ll make it.
Big love, you love bug <3!!!
I ended up restoring my relationship with one of my parents, which has been nice because I’m a goober and I love a good phone call. And while I’ve put a buhjillion miles between my birthplace and my current spot - I do like talking with those I reconnected with. But also, my partner lacks a family. Which makes us substantially weaker as a whole against the support network of others. Which is rough, to be honest. But she always says we’re like monkeys helping one another up the tree. And to be perfectly honest I love her to death, even if she drives me batty-bonkers.
I agree with you though. Although I will say I am a heavy reminiscer, and have battled this mental math of existence only being this moment (be here now). But I sometimes think of it as a super power, because I can recall things that most forget and can give play by plays. And while I know memories can be faulty, I like that there’s some part of my brain that likes to record things. Because it makes for great fodder for better or worse with creative endeavors =P!
Big hugs, big love! Keep sharing the good stuff and keeping people afloat!
I imagine you are hard on yourself all the time. The people who should’ve been there for you unconditionally taught you that you’re never good enough.
I’m convinced we are all fundamentally equal because of our soul, so trying to prove yourself is sort of a silly excercise.
What you mentioned about scales falling off reminded me of mindfulness. You wake up and you go like wtf am I doing?
You are worthy of love, of being loved, and with help you’ll make it.
That’s a lot to have been put through. But you’re still here so that counts, in really huge ways.
Start here: HAVOCA – Help for Adult Victims Of Child Abuse. ”Every Survivor has the right to become a Thriver.”
Isn’t it fucked up how much life can crush you when you have absolutely zero agency you can flex. Have you heard about Open Path yet? Cause you can give it a look and see if you vibe with anyone. You might be able to find someone that can assist you on your journey of healing. There’s also some kind of really solid freebie group therapy system online. But I absolutely do not have the name. Someone else might. It’s like a series of groups you can grow including domestic violence and complex ptsd. The only thing I want to say is be careful around substances, because it’s really easy to fall into them but you never fall out even if you step back from them. And the way street drugs are nowadays you’re never getting what you think you are. Also, I don’t know what gender or age you are specifically - but I do know that a lot of young hurt men can be at higher risk for self harm. So if you notice anything creeping into your system, try your best to reach out for help. Even if you don’t say it, just crowd your time with others and it’ll pass. Either way, what I did with the things I strongly disagreed with between my folks was I just attempted (and still do) to do the opposite of the thing I disliked. Step-parents can be real pieces of shit, because what skin do they have in the game? At least, if they don’t want to. You’re just free-labor. I watched my younger sibling become that to a certain someone in my life, and to this day I don’t know how a grown ass adult can be so stupid to lord over a kid like that.
Just try and stay strong, utilize any services you can - no shame. Break down big goals into smaller achievable actions. And if you are disabled in any sort of way, know there’s also services that can assist you through getting…assistance =P! Also no shame in temp agencies, if you have the means to get around. Lastly, all things can be replaced or live on in your head. But you cannot be replaced. So no matter what you lose, it’s all just stuff. I’ve lost so much crap over the span of my life. I don’t care anymore. I pack light, live light - and actually feel wealthier for it - because I can move at the drop of a dime if I want and I don’t feel bogged down by THINGS! Which is a blessing in these modern times. Sometimes I get sad about some of the things I’ve lost. But I made a conscious decision to keep a small assembly of things that are meaningful to me that I can slide into a backpack and don’t take up too much space. And you might want to put something together like that too. Because it’s really nice to go back and see decades of stuff from people I love who may or may not exist anymore or little magpie things from events.
Oh, one last thing. Backsliding hurts, but as long as you keep going you can make it through. But also make sure you do nice things to restore your energy cause it fucking sucks to get dragged for so long only to get dragged again. It makes you want to give up and sink. But it’s worth the fight, trust. And if you’re younger than thirty - things get so much better in your thirties. Idk? Because I sure as shit am not in that much a different space than in my twenties. But I for sure feel better as a whole. Even though my body is in a constant battle to crush me. Which, btw - please address your pain as best as you can because this shit will kill you one way or another and I don’t think I would ever be as sick as I was had I not been picking up stress without putting other bits down. So GL, GJ - You got this! Keep going!
*p.s. - Moms don’t get in trouble for kidnapping I don’t think. But also I heard that most amber alerts are due to a parent kidnapping their own kid most times. But all kidnapping situations are totally shit - and I wish they didn’t exist on the real.
I’m not who you were talking to, but thank you for this comment. You’re so very kind and it’s beautiful. You’ve helped me and I appreciate you so much. You totally rock! 💖
Zoop <3~!! I am just passing on the love given to me by many kind folk. Big love =)~
Seeing my first overdose and subsequent passing. I was 3 days into being homeless. It sadly got easier seeing it happen more and more often. At the time I knew it wasn’t something good, obviously, but I didn’t really react until much later. Out of all the horrible times I’ve ever gone through… that image of what a human body does as it’s dying… @#£&. It’s not good.
Know someone who died three times. They’re stone sober now, but it truly is awful. I mean in general. It’s all freakin’ awful. I was trying to think about solutions for those in active addiction. We can’t keep treating people like stray dogs. It’s absolutely horrible, especially for those who can’t hold their own (I am thinking here heavily on gender, but I know there’s other layers because the game is hard in the streets and you get absolutely wrecked being soft). I hope you’re in a better place now. And you’re able to maintain your addiction in some sort of way. There’s support groups out there just waiting for your stories. I personally think they’re safer over the phone, because it’s my take that certain people prey on others. As a friend of mine went to rehab and came out doing worse than going in. But all things aside, just glad you’re still here. Keep the peace!
I’m not addicted to anything nor was I.
Apologies - I read that as - you saw an OD and then three days later ODED yourself. Because often - when you’re in an area that people are ODing - you yourself are at a higher risk of it too. But yeah, I went back and saw how I read what I read - but also see what you’re saying and it’s solid that you were on the streets but never got addicted to anything because it’s super easy. And it really takes some solid conviction to keep yourself safe in a space where you’re vulnerable on all sides. I hope you’re in a better place now, regardless.
Aye, I didn’t mean to sound cross on my response to your post. Thanks for clarifying and I apologize for being, at the very least, short with the response I gave you. I appreciate it and yes, I’m definitely stabilized with housing now. 🤟
F YEAH! It’s getting from that shaky part to the stable one that’s the hardest. No worries, look I don’t know your life you know? You’ve clearly been through some shit, and it can get people super dee-duper defensive super fast. Cause I know I sure as hell am reactive. But also, you know - I read it wrong and this is al text. You good! Thank you for the apology though, I apologize too - cause I def made some assumptions. Big love <3~!
Thank you so much 🤙
Learned that the people I thought were my friends… weren’t. Set off an awful chain of events that cost me my dreams.
I feel like don’t know how to make friends anymore, and I don’t know how to trust people.
This is tmi, and fucked up - but I have ptsd from a shooting and have trouble with stuff like…loud bass and sudden bangs still. But right after it happened, I couldn’t trust a fucking soul. Cause I was all sorts of messed up in the head, and I am so thankful for those that pulled me out. One being my therapist, who I found on Open Path. But either way, in time I realized that I didn’t even know how to trust myself anymore because I was so fucked up. And when I worked on that, I felt like I could trust others again…to a point. Never like I used to. Because I straight used to be pure heart on my sleeve. But I did get back to being able to trust as a whole, and that helped with a lot of other things. While I am not 100% better, and might never be (idk, I just take it one day at a time) - I am like way better than I was when I was in the thick of it all.
Also it sucks you feel like you lost your dreams. But perhaps it’s time to re-evaluate what that is, if it’s worth pursuing or if it’s something worth laying down. Because sometimes some stuff is straight up a situation of place and time and whether we like it or not - it’s just worth letting go of it otherwise it drives us crazy. You sound like a realist - how you type. But also clearly a dreamer (cause you wouldn’t have dreams if you weren’t). So maybe figure out a way to combine the two to reconnect yourself to happiness.
As for finding friends? Eh, I used to be able to make them pretty easily. Some fall off, some don’t. An ex told me she was once told by a person who is no longer with us (cancer) that people are in your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. I recently had to come to terms with pretty much losing my best friend. Who I grew up with, and have walked through so much life with. But he’s on a different path than me, and we’ve just split at the seams. And there’s only so much reaching out you can do, before it’s just something you let go. It hurt, but I think ultimately it is what it is. Still makes me sad, but what can I do about it? There was no dramatic fight, or event or anything. He just sort of drifted off. And it is what it is.
I have heard volunteering can connect you to new folks. Back when I did (I’m focusing on my health right now so that door is closed for me) I will say that I met some cool folks but I didn’t really make any deep connections so I’m not sure if that’s 100% true. I do know that friends you can make online can become something far deeper. As I used to run a forum, and still stay connected to a handful of folks I met there. So perhaps that’d be the best place to start. Because it’s low-commitment and high-gain if you hit it off with someone. Focus on things you enjoy and branch off from there. GL, and never forget to love yourself. Because that helps all the rest of the pieces fall together.
My birth was a pretty big event that changed my life drastically. I wish it never happened…
Depression is a bitch. I hope you can find some reprieve in other pleasures than imagining not existing somewhere down the line. I have a friend who got shocks and is much happier since. If you have the resources, and many other things failed to help - you might want to look into ECT. But also, yet again - not a doctor. Just saying I saw it actually help someone who had a lot of trouble existing. But also, there are a thousand different constructive roads to take ahead of that point. GL!
Thanks for the info, I’ll keep this in mind. Also, I’m glad to hear your friend got better.
Yeah, no worries! I know it sounds freakin’ scary because it’s like they used to do it in nut houses and torture people with it. But it’s way different now than it used to be. They said it does cause memory issues. So I will warn that. But overall way happier, I think because it zaps out all the stuff that’s been holding you down. I mean - I’m no doctor and I am just reporting on what I heard. But I hadn’t ever even heard about it being used and when I looked into it I was surprised it is in fact a valid treatment for depression.
I stuck my dick in crazy.
Life pro tip: don’t stick your dick in crazy. Just avoid crazy altogether.
In my defense, I was 20, she was the first person I ever had sex with, and I was too horribly depressed to recognize what a bad idea it was.
I also stuck my dick in crazy. Terrible idea. The main problem was that I was too dumb/dense to see the red flags, one of them being my mom, of all people, not liking her.
It was good sex, I was her first, but I didn’t want to make it anything other than some no-commitment flings. Once I started a proper relationship with another woman later, crazy stalked my gf online, full of threats. Crazy ended up in a psychiatric ward about a month later and her mother called me, asking me to “please go visit her, she loves you from the bottom of her heart”.
Against my better judgement, I actually went. The place looked like an insane asylum that should’ve been force-closed decades ago. Horrible smell, filthy, the inmates (dunno if that’s the correct term, but feels appropriate) pretty much relied on relatives for any hygiene. Crazy hugged me, but I was just so appalled with the place I didn’t even know how to react. She got out about a week later and her mom was still trying to play cupid, saying she was much better now and wouldn’t skip her meds anymore, but I told her I was happy with my girlfriend and blocked her.
I once went absolutely flat broke fucking down on someone, but the ass was soooooo GOODDDDksfha;lksfhafklhasf!! But also you know, not worth it. But still kinda a “damn” thought in my head. Hahahaha! But really, you get SO DUMB when you’re thinking with your downstairs bits over your upstairs bits. Or like, in conjunction =P! Hormones~~~~
You know what? We’re so dumb when we’re er…young, dumb and full of cum =P! No, but really - we’re SO FUCKING DUMB! My gal comes in the other day and she’s singing a song about how she loves pussy. And it made me think about this one black lady who was on the tv saying dick will make you slap somebody. But it’s true though. Like - that thing that you love can make you so damn stupid and weak and do crazy shit and go against your boundaries even if you think you’ve got them set in concrete. I swear to god I grew the fuck up when I realized that I don’t need to be leaning in to that part of me anymore. And instead can just like - be a person who wants to spend time with another person. However that is. Like it’s just so much more chill. But also, and this is just my thoughts on the matter - some of my most beloved folks are bipolar. And I just found out another one of my lovies has BPD. And I love the whole lot of them flaws and all. And I also have some lovies who have had addiction issues. And I myself am a smattering of whatever this energy is that you see before you (medicated yet absolutely insane ADHD!?) - which is to say that I think there’s a lotta stigma against dating folks with mental disorders but that you know - they’re human and most definitely loveable. And while I do think there’s a level of chaotic energy that is just not healthy to be around. The kind that acts like life is a movie, and there’s a camera that’s always hidden right “off screen” so they always are bringing this dramatic energy. But there are also as I said before a lot of people who have been pushed aside by life by so many and are just little love bugs out here trying to be the best them they can be. And I have a lot of love and respect for that. But also know about women who’ve used babies they’ve had young with men as weapons. So you know, I hear you. Glad you learned what not to stick your dick in =P! Hope you got that good pussy now (iffin that’s what you’re still sticking stuff into).
Oh - and super not depressed or having a way to manage that depression. There’s a scene in Beasts of the Southern Wild here the main character and her father are shouting at each other “WHO’S THE MAN!?” “I’M THE MAN!” And I do that internally whenever I get down. Because it pumps me up, but it’s also so tender it gives me a heart boost too =)! Was trying to share the clip but all I found was this three second waste of space.
When I gave up alcohol. Everything got better, although it got real. Learning how to live my life sober was much harder than just putting down the drink. Thank goodness I asked for help.
This is huge, and congratulations. I was talking earlier with my partner about how addiction is a social disease. And how drinking seems like this coming of age event that’s intertwined with fun and sex. But there’s a lot of people who never can walk away from that space and it’s just killing people.
Also people don’t see how damaging it is as compared to other addictions. But I legit had a friend who had to move away and live out of a shelter because the drinking was killing them. And they’re working two jobs just to make the cut, but they’re so much happier and healthier now than they were when they were in active addiction.
I’m glad you got the help you needed and I hope it stays that way. You got this!
Thanks. Will be 15 years in a few days. Living an amazing life now.
Becoming a socialist when Bernie Sanders introduced me to socialism.
Boomer…socialist…boomer…socialist? WHAT!? Hahaha, good one though =)
Healthcare as a right is incredibly radicalizing.
Isn’t it crazy though? People don’t talk about it. They will talk about how you will get service regardless of your class in an emergency room. But they don’t talk about the classism and the cultural biases that follow suit. I have seen homeless people hacked the fuck up, like actual hack jobs, because they needed things done and the medical system did the bare minimum to assist. People with their jaws exposed, hands sawed off with a criss-cross suture, people walking around like they were extras in a Silent Hill film (that one was on Baltimore). I don’t even know how we can be so fucked up as a people. Like…someone give that woman something other than her jaw just having to be exposed to the elements, right? And if it’s an addiction thing - give her the drugs she needs to fucking weather the storm because it’s not like she’s going to be any less of an addict because she needs surgery and it’s not like this is the thing that’s going to turn it all around.
The thing I always do ponder though, because legitimately it’s fucked how so many people have to live their lives. (I’ve known three people I can think of off the top of my head who have died because of things that could have been avoided - but really more than that - but I am talking like…cancer and what not). But either way I do know that addiction is a social disease. And in that sense I don’t think it’s healthy for people in active addiction to be around joe-schmoe. In the sense that everyone is fighting some kind of battle and you could become the next victim before you know it. But I also don’t think people should be having to live like wild dogs. And fentanyl has such a shitty fix from what I hear, that you’re pretty much sick (withdrawing) all the time. I also heard that China has whole clean corporations setup for the distribution of x-drugs. I mean look, it’s not going to cover the meth addicts. I don’t really know what could help them. But I swear to god, if we got steady fixes to more opiate addicts this world (or at least this country?) would be a more stable place. I just don’t know what that looks like big picture. I would say maintenance like methadone. Maybe it’s not a one-size fits all thing (cause it more than likely isn’t). I can’t say it’s just getting them a house, because I used to work at a place like that and every mother fucker was using and it was a pit of chaos. Idk…I wish I knew. I wish I could snap my fingers and make everything better.
But on a whole, I wish the world (let alone America) did health (mental x physical) much better.
One thing I could mention that was crazy was right after Trump had been elected. I went to the Women’s March in Chicago and all kinds showed up. But the crowd that had gathered was more than could be handled, so they shut it down. But then everyone started marching anyways. And we all went in this large square, ending at the Trump Tower. There were so many signs, and even though I had a really basic phone (like actual dumb phone) I pulled off some pictures that I still look back at them in awe. One of the sillier things that happened there were these two white chicks were dancing together on top of trash cans singing negro spirituals and myself and these two black chicks in front of me who were slipping through the crowd all laughed our asses off. Towards the end, my friends and I split and I hopped up into The Cultural Center and looked outwards at the dispersing crowd. And I took a video on my fantastically dumb phone, and it captured so perfectly the chaos of the event paired with the beauty of that city. But it was also so surreal in some way, as I was the only one around at the time. Not even the guards were there. And it was so silent. And I sat in a room filled with quilts, and stared out at the city I loved and felt so much pride for the people who came together to try and show the world that they don’t buy Trump’s bullshit.
I mean also not to brag, but we scared his ass off when he came through =P! So yeah, it was all really nice to see. And it was completely non-violent. Which I also like, because as protests went on things got grottier and grottier until whole cities were total chaos pits. But it was a nice thing to experience.
Someone cracking their skull on a concrete floor soaked in hydraulic oil
No thank you! Ugh.
Blue collar accidents are unbelievably horrible because they show you the limitations of our fleshy bodies against pretty much any other element.
Well i have survived about a dozen such trips and slips just in the last couple years with only a few light bruises to show for em. Concrete definitely has no give so you gotta learn to fall so that the impact is minimized. I have done that for the most part.
Hahaha, my partner skates concrete and it is absolutely the most insane material to skate on. Although I suppose it was the only material for the longest. But there’s others that she vouches don’t hurt as much (as long as you’re not falling straight down). But I knew a guy who got the skin ripped off his hand and was insanely lucky for having a tool belt on because he got someone’s attention and they stopped the machine that was pulling him in.
President Trump. Lost my fucking religion at that point.
9/11. Everything was acceptable until then. Not great, but not horrible.
What do you mean by “acceptable”. People accepted a lot more?
As in it was fine. Presently everything is less than fine.
Is this South Park (was this South Park!?) - or is this legit. Because 9/11 really did change everything. Between that and the shooters shortly after I was out. But tbh, Islamophobia raised through the roof at that time and I am not sure it ever went back down. We also lost any sense of security, seemingly for the rest of our lives. But I also think cheap consumer electronics really changed things on the whole. As I do not see anyone outside of the occasional “outdoorsperson” living particularly healthy lives. Even when they’re living healthy lifestyles. Perhaps on account of some combination of higher population, but lesser third-spaces too. Eh!
I spontaneously decided to get an unusual body mod in 2017. Seven years later, absolutely zero regrets. It’s one of the things that eventually pushed me into becoming a sideshow performer and I’ve met so many wonderful people and am surrounded by a community of weirdos and freaks that I call family.
Which body mod?
Split tongue
Hahaha! Knew it was split-tongue before you said it. I said, this witchy human either went with horns or split tongue but one of these things are bumps, and the other is a split-freakin’ tongue! What method did you go through to get it? My ex, who was a tattoo artist split hers a hundred years before with a spool of thread. And when it started to heal a hundred years later I was given my own front-row seat to an Ichi the Killer moment. Which wasn’t all that fun, but definitely sits in my head as one of the more fucked up things I’ve ever witness first-hand. But yeah, she could move things independently and that always freaked people out. But I am such a weirdo, it just idk. I just literally didn’t give a shit for or against. It was just her, and that’s just how things were. People always wanna make pussy jokes (or head jokes, whatever) but like I literally could not give a shit either way -because that’s her body and her choice and you know more power to her doing whatever she wants with her body.
I am glad you found yourself though. I think most performers of your nature gain a true freedom that most dream of. At least every fire twirler I’ve ever met are quite happy, open, and insanely supportive individuals so big ups and big love <3~!
I went with cut and suture and am very happy with my results. No nerve damage, barely any blood, healing sucked but that’s expected. The cut isn’t the deepest but I still have enough dexterity to do my signature trick
And yes, you’re absolutely correct that the first thing anyone asks me about is sex. But that’s nowhere near my top reasons for it, I have virtually no libido.
You chose the safe method. And got to practice Buddhism all at once =P! My gal’s healed up after a while, as I said, I wonder if you’ll have to redo it down the road. No harm, no foul though - I mean you do what you go to do to stay happy. I got a septum (among others, but a lot had to be taken out over time) and it’s pretty much a 24/7 fidget spinner for me. I can’t even imagine the joy of having a built in one would be. But that’s my head, hahaha!
You look like you’re living your best life though. I swear to god, when you play with fire you’re just an overall happier person =P! But also these scenes typically have a certain vibe of love an compassion. One of my performer friends passed unfortunately a couple of years back. And they held a fire-ceremony for him. Was beautiful, but it really speaks levels on how loving these spaces are.
Also, I swear to god if you’re unconventional in any way - all roads lead to sex. Tig Notaro did a joke about it a hundred years ago and as someone with no filter I always pray I don’t crunch up anyone’s toes too badly. But thankfully, I also try not to be an asshole in my day to day >.>!!! GJ sis!
I try to exercise it but do want to resplit some of the scar tissue in the future. Not in any rush though since healing does majorly suck. Septum piercings rock, I love mine
It is truly sad when a sideshow performer passes. So many of us are estranged from our parents (usually because we’re queer and have problematic parents) that we turn to rely on each other like family. I guess you have to have that innate level of love and trust when everything you do is so dangerous. I thank my safety after every single act, even though he’s seen me do it a million times.
I think the thing that really broke me about him is that he was estranged from his family but he had this beautiful light. He was a lovely man, and he spread love where ever he went. I just don’t think he was created for traditional living. He found someone he was setting up roots with though, and while I can’t say for sure what the future held it sounded like he was working towards some stability. He was actually killed by a professional fuck face, who continued to be a fuck-face until he was put behind bars. The very essence of a person who does not enjoy living, and recklessly was taking down others with their apathy.
Aww man, at one point I had 21 holes in my head, if you catch my drift hahaha! I had to get some removed and had to take out the others after I got sick. Cause of the diagnostic machines and what not. But also, I personally get so tired of having to pop them in and out and in and out. My gal cut out a quarter of them, which was something else. Nothing says I love you like someone scalpelling your face. Now I am down to four, and really only care about the septum. Eh. One thing I can say about it is them muffergers over on Reddit hate them shiz @_@!!! But like, really it’s one of the more enjoyable (actually enjoyable) piercings because it’s endlessly fun to play with.
I once had a big brave fully tatted up boy tell me performances are always terror inducing going in because your nerves are pretty much out of your control and the only thing that can help you is practice and a good solid yawn prior to stepping out. I’m glad you’ve got a goodun’ looking out for you though. And that you seem to have a solid head about the whole thing.
Big love and super big hugs sis! Yo~!
