I know how it feels to hate yourself, to want to die, friends leaving you all alone if it’s any consolation youre not alone theres a community here thats empathetic and willing to listen

I have a few different plans for ways to check out. One of them is designed so that it’ll just take one moment of courage and then I won’t be able to back out of it. Another is really slow and painful by design. Another one is designed so that no one would find my remains - and if I quit my job beforehand, the few people I care about not hurting would never find out.

When I ask myself why I haven’t done the deed yet, I don’t actually know how to answer. But I do know that there’s no reason to hurry, so there’s also no reason to answer the ‘why’ yet.

Typing all of that out hits home how fucked up those thoughts are. But on the other hand, having those plans gives us a sense of agency over it. Whatever shit you’re dealing with, you’re making the choice to keep dealing with it and I think there’s a comfort in that. There’s also a bit of freedom in the perspective that I’m already dead and none of what I do from this point on matters.

I get it. Its so fucking hard to want to stay in this life sometimes. But without you, there would be one less person aiming for a more equitable world. I don’t know how hard your struggle is and I don’t know you but here today, I appreciate you comrade. Keep your chin up and know none of us are perfect but that doesnt mean we cant do some good. Try doing something nice for yourself and also doing something nice for someone else. Those two things together can do wonders in getting you through the day.

Aight I’ll be honest with you, I’m in a similar mental state as you, and here’s the thing. Every life is precious, I know that sounds stupid, but every life is precious. In all the vast universe, there isn’t another you. Yeah shit sucks right now. But I always think about our comrades from the past who had it worse, and still fought on, because someone has to. And I think about our comrades from the future, that will fight on because they’ll think of us. We, too, must pitch in the liberation of the workers.

Sometimes you gotta kick back and take a breather. Let yourself calm down and acknowledge that you’re worthy of life simply because you’re alive.

I’m a constant burden on both my family and society

I’m a bad communist, I don’t deserve anything

That’s the capitalist/imperialist culture talking. The sociopathic one that doesn’t value human life. That wages wars just to get more control over resources.

I get why it’s in there. You live in a capitalist world. Okay. Now recognize it for what it is and push back.

You are deserving of love. Your needs matter. Your boundaries matter. All of these things which many societies throughout history just do because they value human life inherently, capitalist says is wrong, colonialism says is wrong, imperialism says is wrong. Based on what? What is it that drives them to say it’s wrong? That people are undeserving? They say it because if people believe they are deserving, they will band together and take what has always been rightfully theirs in a communal manner, rather than existing under a grotesquely stratified, individualistic, and exploitative system.

You, like so many others, are living through the sharpening contradictions resulting from this unsustainable system. That can hurt. But know you’re not alone in it, you never have been, and you can still work with others for better.

I did bad things as a kid and now I get to suffer for the rest of my life

Then work toward a better life for yourself and for others, so that bad things will be less likely to happen to people in general. If you deliberately did something horrible, see if you can make amends and if the people you wronged can’t forgive you, accept the lack of forgiveness and work toward a better world anyway. If you accidentally did something horrible, understand that you were a child and only had so much control over things. It’s difficult to speak more on that without knowing what you actually did.

But I can say that self flagellation is not going to build a pro-social world. I know western Christianity loves that stuff, but it has its problems. Guilt and remorse and making amends do all matter, but wallowing in self loathing will not help you or anyone. You can’t go back in time, none of us can, but you can live in a way that helps others going forward.

Take a breath, break the rumination spiral, and remember what a loving world that values human life is about. And what that can mean for everyone, yourself included.

I don’t think there is anything I can say to help but I hope you feel better.

i say be the girl you want to be