Yeah I know. I have a tendency to ruminate myself. I still feel I have to say it because it is rumination and ruts of rumination make shit worse rather than better. It’s sort of like if you had a wound on your arm and every time it itches, you pick at it instead of letting it heal. Sometimes the wound might need some ointment applied and that’s where, with dark thoughts, getting support from others and changing the perspective of the thoughts can help. You don’t have to go it alone on these things, it’s not a bootstrap solution. It’s just that sometimes naming and identifying what’s going wrong in your head can help with challenging the cycle.

Edit: Also, the way you describe it kinda sounds like you’re afraid of your own thoughts and don’t feel like you have any power over a cycle that is out of your hands. If that’s at all accurate, well I’m here to remind you that you do have some power over them, it’s just not a 100% thing like flipping a light switch. I’m not a mental health professional by any means, so take what I say with a grain of salt. But in my experience with therapy and trying to deal with anxieties and problem thoughts and so on, the mind and thoughts are sorta like the ocean. Tide comes in and recedes, like thoughts do. You can push in one direction or another, but there’s inertia. And you can over time influence what the overall makeup of it is, but it’s not an instantaneous thing. So yeah, there will be times it might feel like you’re going backward, but that’s probably because negativity is a part of existence. The issue isn’t that it exists, it’s the belief in its dangerous extremes. So work on changing the belief, affirming something different, more loving. Understand that even if it works, the scary thoughts may return sometimes. But you’re working your way away from them. Sailing into better waters.