It’s just constant physical and mental pain. I’m so fucking alone. The one fucking other guy I knew irl that i was trying to get into a party with fucking ghosted me, my vehophobia basically makes me almost immobile in this fucking city because America is secretly just biblical hell. One of my friends left me for basically no reason, everyone else is constantly seeing the fake version of me I put up for everyone. My body is fucking fat and ruined and ugly and useless and a stupid body of a stupid boy who can never be the girl i want to be. I’m a constant burden on both my family and society, and there’s nothing that’s going to save me. I’m a bad person, I’m a bad communist, I don’t deserve anything.
But I can’t die because for some reason people like me. If I killed myself my fucking family would fall apart.
Fuck everything. Fuck this world. Fuck myself. This is what I get. This is what I deserve. I did bad things as a kid and now I get to suffer for the rest of my life until I die in whatever way the universe wants me to fucking die.
I made a post similar to this last night, but I deleted it because I didn’t want to burden anyone. But I can’t fucking take it anymore. I just want to die. I just want to fucking die. I wish I could just go to sleep and never wake up. Better yet, I wish I was never born. Yknow how many lives would’ve been better if I was never born? Nine certainly would’ve been better, because I wouldn’t have done any of it.
I get it. Its so fucking hard to want to stay in this life sometimes. But without you, there would be one less person aiming for a more equitable world. I don’t know how hard your struggle is and I don’t know you but here today, I appreciate you comrade. Keep your chin up and know none of us are perfect but that doesnt mean we cant do some good. Try doing something nice for yourself and also doing something nice for someone else. Those two things together can do wonders in getting you through the day.