What you want to do is order a shot called a “cement mixer” get one for yourself and the meanest looking person in the bar so they will help you in a bar fight
You could have a fun filled night doing terrible things to Baileys - Brain Damage, Alien Brain Haemorrhage, Zombie Brain Shot, etc. Everyone will think you’re a bad ass and your spew will astound many passers-by.
- Just order Flaming B-52s all night long. You can’t go wrong.
- Order rounds, then point at someone at the far corner and say: “It’s on my friend, Bob, over there.”
- Remember: hangover treatments are covered by the NHS.
Oi, drink slinger, 20 Kamikazes!
Showing up naked is always a good way to get a party started.
For your first time out, stick to Cheeky Vimtos.
this is sweet
Sounds like a round of wray & nephew shots to get everyone started
Jesus I had forgotten about that stuff - for the very reason mentioned here.
See also:
- Absinthe
- Pints of dry Martini
- Wazzups (no I don’t know what was I. Them either)
- Baileys and lemon 🤢
You only make the mistake once in your life if you value your longevity
Yeah I would imagine so 😂
Also, if you have a list of orders, don’t give them all at once. Instead, order the first drink, let them pour it, let them put it on the bar in front of you, let them walk to the POS, let them log in and add it to the bill, and when they come back and ask for payment, say “can I also get a uhhhhhhhhhhhh” and order your second drink.
Do this for as long as your order is, the larger the better. The reason for this is that staff are usually wearing pedometers and it allows them to rack up a higher score, and your fellow patrons will appreciate it because it’ll add a small delay to their drinking pace, allowing them to savour the moment a little more.
Impress your friends by ordering a tiny umbrella for your beer!
They said wrong answers only, wtf.
First remember pubs do not exist. They are entirely fictional. They were created to confuse potential invaders during the 2nd World War.
Basically pubs are public toilets containing the most dangerous people in the UK. Improv actors. Designed to confuse the shit out of foreign agents.
Shawn of the Dead is royal propaganda
Never approach an empty section of the bar. Make sure to form an orderly queue that blocks the front door and the route to the toilets.
Pubs can be a daunting place to visit for the first time but there is plenty you can do to fit in.
You may have heard of barman or barmaid but whoever is working the bar must be referred to as peasant at all times. This avoids any gender counfusion. Also to make it easier for everyone to get on. Everyone drinking in the pub is referred to as knobhead instead of their real name. The is invaluable as learning names cuts into drinking time. If you need to refer to yourself, is common practice to call yourself the chosen one.
When ordering drinks, start with "oi peasant make me a… ". the peasant finds it easier if you talk slowly and order each drink separately. Wait untill its in front if you before asking for the next one. Guinness must always be ordered last.
Smoking is banned in public places in Britain but its common knowledge that when the weather is bad you can smoke indoors. So if you can see clouds in the sky feel free to light up in the pub. Don’t be selfish though, remember to blow smoke into the faces to passing knobheads to show you are happy to share.
The best way to make friends is to talk about football. Everyone loves Nottingham United so make sure to tell everyone you support them. Every knobhead is interested in how well teams are doing in the area but they never seem to have time to find out what’s happening ouside of the local team. So if you are in Millwall dont forget to tell everyone how well west ham are doing. The same is true for birmingham/Aston villa, portsmouth/southampton, celtic/rangers.
Its a little known fact that a roofers wife did so much for the Welsh coal mining communities that she is revered to this day. So if you find yourself in Wales get the pubs attention and raise a toast to margret thatcher.
If you see a surly looking knobhead why not cheer them up by ordering a shot of blackcurrant cordial and dropping it in their Guinness. Don’t forget to wink at them and say “drink up knobhead, the chosen one is here for you”
There’s a sort of jokey tradition in UK pubs that when the bar is busy and you go up to order your drinks you should always shout “I was here first, you wanker!” at the barman / barmaid as they serve each person before you. It’s just one of those funny traditions that gets kills every time.
Harmonise this chant with everyone else ordering drinks.
And then when it is your turn make sure to order something really complicated to give the bartender a chance to showcase their skills, they get really bored of just serving beers and pouring wine all day.
The best place to make new friends is at the urinals. It’s considered polite to strike up a conversation and if nothing else pass a friendly comment on your neighbour’s todger.
For a first timer Id recommend just complimenting the other person’s watch
It would be considered rude to not fondle the breasts of the female patrons so be sure to do that.
When purchasing a round of drinks, establishments generally aren’t fond of digital payments and are usually short on change as most prices end in a 9.
What’s really appreciated is if you bring a coin purse, and count out each total on the bar so the staff don’t have to provide you with change.
For additional kudos, do this on a Friday or Saturday night when the bar is four deep. The patrons will appreciate your effort and respect for the public house financial system, and often chant words of wisdom at you, rendering you a local hero.
You demon
![Going to the pub for the first time, I have some questions [wrong answers only]](https://c.l3n.co/i/zZdlQz.webp){kind=link}