I am not in a great place right now in terms of productivity and flourishing in my personal and professional life, and every time I waste a day, every time I do something that I enjoy at the moment but which is not productive, I feel ashamed.

I live in a country, where students sometimes end their own lives for not being able to get into their dream college or for not passing the exam that would have allowed them a job in the government bureaucracy, I have always thought that they were not ending their lives because they didn’t pass the exams, but they are ending it because they have indulged in activities which are not conducive to their goal of passing the exam so many times that they have given up on themselves and every time they spend a lot of time doing stuff which they might like to do in the moment but would regret right after they do it, their respect for self decreases a little more and when they get the sad news that could not progress towards their goals, they have not only failed as an aspirant for an exam, they have also failed as a person (for now at least)

i.e., As Dostoevsky states in C&P, “Your worst sin is that you’ve destroyed and betrayed yourself for nothing”, even though I might indulge in activities that are pleasurable for me now, they add up to nothing and if I do this enough times, I will just give up and sometimes some people will give up on all not just their goals because they hate themselves so much!

I don’t want to end up like them (even though I feel pity for them, too bad there isn’t an afterlife for them where they can be happy) , so I thought I would whip myself into a frenzy by reading a complication of suicide notes, this is for me an interesting task, but it also serves a purpose of warning me into things that I should not do! And to be completely honest, if I can derive some utility/meaning out of suicide notes, I mean the exact things that advertise the meaninglessness and the ugly side of life, that’s pretty inspirational to me, I mean, it’s like a metaphor for life, trying to life despite all the ugly stuff. So, to come back to the question,

Has there ever been a compilation of suicide notes, if so, where can one get it? And is it a good idea to get it?

PS: Sorry if this comes out the wrong way, if you haven’t noticed, I am not that articulate. Also, I am alright right now, I am good, but I don’t want to end up in a real bad situation, so I am looking for what I should I avoid.

edit 2: I like this community, but I don’t have enough time to respond to everyone, but know that I am grateful and know that I have heard you! :)

  • ClassifiedPancake@discuss.tchncs.de
    0·
    4 months ago

    I don’t think it would be a good idea to read those notes. These letters are written in a way to convince the reader that suicide is the only option and that seems to me a dangerous reading material for anyone who is not in a good place.

    • Subject6051@lemmy.mlOP
      0·
      4 months ago

      I guess this comment makes more sense now, you are right, it’s probably not useful to read these messages. But, a counterpoint could be people who are in a really bad situation and are in that space make bad decisions.

      i.e., It depends very much on how the person perceives the situation. I have heard of 16-year-olds offing themselves because of something really stupid, so maybe if we read suicide notes which are so obviously wrong in their approach, maybe that will help people realize that even though you think there is no way, there probably is one.

      Also, I am not sure how often this is true. I don’t want to shit on people who have offed themselves by suggesting there were all dumb or something, I am pretty sure they had legit reasons most of the times. idk!