I go to work to work because I need a paycheck, not to make friends.
Where I am there is a new coworker that to me acts needy (think of Slow Horses’s Struan Loy), tries befriending me, but he invariably asks if everything’s ok. I don’t care about this person’s life.
The first 2 times I didn’t think anything of it, but he asks that every day and it’s becoming tiring.
I feel mobbed and stalked, mobbed because he keeps insinuating there is something wrong with me just because I don’t ask him about his private life and do my job, and stalked, because he is so fixated on me.
going to HR over this seems ridiculous, but I’m starting to hate his voice.
First off, I’m am not seeing really great communication skills coming from your end in your story here.
he keeps insinuating there is something wrong with me just because I don’t ask him about his private life
This is predicting. Or do you actually know he thinks this? The use of ‘insinuating’ sounds like you’re filling in a lot of blank space with your own narrative. Unless he came out and actually said this, private information isn’t necessarily an unspoken agreed upon trade. And if it was that would be a fault on his side.
And Just to get it out of the way: Introvert isn’t where you don’t want to socialize. It’s just a personality trait in how you recharge with or without socializing. Typical introvert would not avoid socializing altogether. They’d socialize and then excuse themselves for a time being. This is of course with healthy preferences of who to socialize with like any average person could have and that is perfectly fine but that isn’t a trait of what makes a person introvert or extrovert. That’s just having standards.
Either way, this just sounds like you have made a choice that this person isn’t for you and you have some unspoken boundaries and expect someone to know your boundaries without telling them. Even if you think you are being clear with social queues this might be a case of miscommunication of what a social queue is for you and what he reads communication(possible) . But I wouldn’t leave that to assumption.
People aren’t mind readers so of it is bothering you this much you could tell him like several others are suggesting.
after that if he doesn’t let up, see HR as that would be harassment at that point.
The use of ‘insinuating’ sounds like you’re filling in a lot of blank space with your own narrative.
kinda disagree:
I’m the quiet one and most extroverts where I work at find that offensive. they feel offended because I don’t ask them about their lives, lives I don’t care about. I’ve told 3 coworkers already that I don’t talk to them because I have to work and they react aggressively and feel offended, fully convinced I don’t talk to them because I hate them.
But keep not doing their jobs, meaning I have to do my job and theirs while they keep talking.
I don’t care about
I’ve told 3 coworkers already that I don’t talk to them
Ok so now you’re adding more information here. 3 people. this sounds less about just having some standards and more of a pattern emerging here.
What you are describing is more in line with how an APD thinks and behaves and not just a mere introvert trait.
The introversion trait isn’t attached to aversion. It’s based on personal need. No one trait needs to be rude and throw all politeness out the window. That’s bigger than a mere trait. People with introvert trait (without comorbidity) can actually talk to people and have a social ability even at work and they do not shy away from socializing full stop. They take periodic breaks based on need.
they feel offended
Again: that’s predictive.
Something doesn’t compute here. Unless you’ve misplaced yourself into a customer based industry and you’re just not a people person: Having a mere trait doesn’t end up with a collection of people aggressive at work. Nor would it be so attached to aversion and delivering hostile narrative on what other people must be thinking.
There is a proper way to break a conversation without having to be abrupt about not wanting to talk. Simply having a trait doesn’t rule over basic common decency.
You sound like you have something else going on aside from just the introvert trait.
Tell him straight up. Unfortunately the only approach is direct or it will get worse. After you tell him, tell your boss the conversation in case the coworker tries to be petty and report you.
I am a manager at my job and see this type of stuff all the time. Could it be he simply wants to be friendly? Sure. Either way it’s better to be direct so there is zero confusion.
I would tell him, “Look John, you’re a nice guy but I’m not interested in making small talk with you”. And then just continue your work. If he doesn’t leave you alone after that then it’s time to go to HR. Please do not feel bad. Some people lack self awareness at the workplace and don’t know how to act in a professional setting.
going to HR over this seems ridiculous…
do this anyways.
they’re creating drama for themselves and it will suck in more people if they don’t get the validation they’re seeking. either figure out how to give them what they want in a way that works for you (this usually doesn’t work) or do everything in your power to protect yourself.
warning: if management sees them as more valuable than you are; you can expect going to hr to backfire.
I think a direct approach is best and not caring if the person gets offended but also not trying to offend them. Something like “Sorry i don’t feel comfortable with you asking about my personal life can we keep the conversation professional?”
Then if they dont accept that, and keep at it is when youd go to HR.
I’d word it more like “Sorry I don’t feel comfortable discussing my personal life at work”, that way it takes the onus off of the person and keeps it neutral.
Maybe that’s just me though, I haven’t worked in an office in 4 years.
Tell him you feel shy around him because you’re attracted to him, and then ask him out on a date. Either he’ll leave you alone or you’ll get some. Win/win
Why would your advice be to commit sexual harassment in the work place?
Telling someone you are attracted to them and asking them out is not sexual harassment. It might be against workplace rules, but that depends on the workplace. Having consensual sex with someone after a date is also not sexual harassment. It could be seen as “quid pro quo” if one of them is the other’s boss.
If at any point the person asks you to stop and you continue, then that is sexual harassment.
Op didn’t say they were attracted to them. You know this.
You gave advice as a way to creep someone out as an alternative solution to being left alone. That is using sexual harassment as a mode of operation.
OP didn’t say they were unattracted to them either. And if you saw my advice as anything other than a joke, that’s on you.
You do sound rather aggresive. :) We introverts can be friendly as well. He is probably just insecure about the situation.
Something like “I don’t like to chat at work”.
The other suggestions seem far too inviting for follow-up or could be perceived as sidelong attacks.
That phrasing is hard to follow-up on, though not impossible, and focuses only on you. I suspect you also don’t chat with others, so they probably can’t say something like “But you chat with Johnny?”
Talking about what they’re doing that annoys you opens a conversation about them feeling attacked or maybe trying to find alternate ways to talk to you etc. You don’t need to explain why you don’t want to chat because that will open other conversations. They probably will try to follow up or redirect, but calmly insisting that you prefer not to chat may work.
HR is generally a bad place for employees to take issues since their stated job is to protect the company from liability their employees might incur. If you have a union or some other third party resource go to them first, then go to HR if they advise it. Since HR is interested in protecting the company from liability created by employees you may be able to aim them at the other employee, but you need to be sure that’s what they’ll do before going to them, otherwise they may view you as the liability.
EDIT: And you don’t need to wait for them to ask if you’re OK. If your issue is that they’re talking about non-work and that’s not why you’re there, just bring that up immediately.
And also be clear they can still talk to you as long as it’s work related, and that you’re not refusing to work with them. Otherwise you become an HR problem.
Most of what I’m seeing here sounds too confrontational or passive aggressive to me. What I would do personally is wait until he asks you if everything is okay again and then say something like this:
“Yeah, all good here. So you know, I’m not quiet because something is wrong in my life or between us, I’m just very introverted and my natural state of being is not to open up”
Most people tend to assume other people’s internal state is works similarly to their own, unless it’s an aspect where they know they are far removed from the norm, so for an extrovert, they equate you being quiet to what would cause them to be quiet. Without telling him the reason you act differently, he will continue to assume this.
By wording it as an FYI, you give the opportunity for him to understand the difference and change his behavior without telling him he has been doing something wrong, because best as he knows he hasn’t been, and so you hopefully prevent him from getting defensive.
If he continues, then maybe you can go to a more confrontational approach. That’s how I would handle, at least.
I am also a woman and I’m guessing you are not from your username, so ymmv with communication like this.
it’s gonna depend on the size of your work place really. hr isnt so much the group that is a resource for you the human. think of them like the IT dept that manages the human resource. if you’ve plainly stated your boundry to that person. “it’s not your business what my mood is, if your uncomfortable with me not behaving in the excited mannor you want. that is a you problem”. it’s on your manager to ensure the other person respects that boundry. and if your manger doesnt do that, hr should definitely care because thats a problem. that said. it’s far easier for everyone to just say “smile more, we’re a family and we all behave the same way” in smaller org. and you’ll have to decide if staying in a place that wont respect you boundries is healthy. my work pays me to complete specific things, not fill in someone’s social circle because they need a trapped audiance to maintain friendships. i was lucky in my current org to have a manger who caught a situation like you describe happening to me and take zero nonsense from the other person. and now that i’ve worked with that expectation, with someone who would enforce that, i’m not willing to consider my persoanl life part of what the org is paying for.
Are headphones a possibility in your workplace?
In this situation I would imagine him tapping OP on the shoulder or worse.
It’s hard to refuse someone who on the surface is just being friendly, and who might take your rejection as a harsh assault on their fragile personality.
I think just try to communicate to him that he’s distracting you from work. He might not actually realise.
If he can’t be reasoned with, then maybe yes go to HR
This website completely changed the way I thought about this stuff and I found it super helpful.
The line to walk, generally speaking, is, “When you do [specific behavior], it makes me feel [specific emotion].” So for example, “When you ask me if everything’s ok, it makes me feel pressured/put on the spot.”
Keeping it about your own feelings makes it less confrontational while still bringing attention to the problem - you don’t wanna get drawn into a whole debate about whether there’s anything wrong with asking if someone’s ok, but you want him to understand how you feel and (hopefully) take that into account in the future. If he does get defensive, repeat the message once to make it clear you’re standing your ground, but then drop it and move on. A lot of times it’s just a matter of the other person not realizing how it affects you.
Having said that, speaking as someone who’s very much had the same mentality in the past, there are a lot of advantages to having friends in the workplace. Something to understand about this approach is that it’s actually good for building relationships because it allows you to confront the behaviors that bother you while openly communicating your feelings, and people may even respect you more for standing up for yourself. Just remember to walk a middle ground, you don’t want to veer into aggression or passivity.
“When you ask me if everything’s ok, it makes me feel pressured/put on the spot.”
have you ever done this yourself? To me it makes me look weak, giving them something they can use to attack me.
walk a middle ground, you don’t want to veer into aggression or passivity.
Got it, aiming for passive aggression!
“Look man, I appreciate the concern, but really, I’m fine. I just prefer not to socialize.” Then divert your attention to something else.
Or you could pull an SGDQ and go with the ol’ “I would really prefer it if you would be quiet.”
Have you tried saying, “Please don’t ask me that anymore”?
That will address the exact problem without being rude, without offending him, and without opening it up for more questions. You don’t owe him an explanation, so don’t leave an opening for one. Just say: “Please don’t ask me that anymore.”
If he asks why, you say, “Doesn’t matter. Please don’t ask me that anymore.”
If he offers an explanation for why he’s asking you that, you say, “Ok. Please don’t ask me that anymore.”
Neat and easy. No unintended consequences.
“Please stop asking me if everything’s OK. Everything is fine and your concern is appreciated, but I prefer to work in silence and I’m not getting any right now.”
Or just stop after the first sentence.
Or before the “, but”
Or after the “but” and before the “and”
