Almost an hour of Anakin giving Padme creepy eyes and simping over her. Then she says, “I’ve been dying everyday since you came back in my life”

Followed by I love you?! What?!

I’ve been on five hours of sleep for the past few nights, and one of those nights was staying up to finish an assignment. Then on subsequent nights, I just couldn’t fall asleep. I think the lack of sleep is starting to affect me. Everything feels shitty.

Today I woke up when my shift started, and ended up being half an hour late for work. Luckily it wasn’t catastrophic. I didn’t have to open the store or anything. But there was that.

I went to practise guitar before and found myself avoiding that, because there’s this one (easy) riff my teacher gave me, and I just haven’t been able to get it up to speed. In reality, I know that if I just practise really slowly and build up speed, I will get there. I’ve realised that I’ve done so much avoiding in my life that I haven’t really given anything a good go, so of course I’m going to be miserable. My mind is a bitch. I’m not listening to her anymore. Doing nothing is exhausting.

The stress and anxiety I felt from the assessment period hasn’t dissipated yet. It’s only been a couple of days though. Normally I’m under the pump, even though I don’t have to be, but it’s never felt this terrible. I keep repeating to myself that I am not my emotions, but an observer of my emotions.

Nothing feels real anymore. I feel like I’m in a dream. I don’t feel connected to anyone. Or anything. I think some good sleep and exercise will solve this. Plus remembering my values.

I have a psych, and I feel like I’m not getting anywhere with them. It’s like I’m paying $100 a session for someone to listen to me talk. At least they’re accepting of neurodivergence, the last one said I’m anxious and depressed, which is certainly how it manifests. I’ve seen numerous counsellors and psychologists and nothing has worked. Except my book on Acceptance and Commitment Therapy has been a good step with being aware. It’s been years since I started therapy and I feel like I’m still the same as my teenage self.

Don’t worry, you haven’t been insensitive at all. In fact, when I was in a shitty relationship and posted about it on here, you replied to my post, and I took a screenshot of it and read it often to remind myself that what I was dealing with was not good for me. I really appreciate all the advice you’ve given me.

I feel as though abuse is a loaded term, and I see it more as dysfunction. I’m dealing with people who mean well, but are misguided and express it in the wrong ways. Just like I don’t mean for them to be annoyed when I talk too much. I just want connection. My dad tells me that he loves me and wants the best for me, but has thrown the other stuff on top when he’s upset.

I have spoken about this to my psych, and we are going to do an appointment with them so she can talk about how they can better support me. To be honest though, I’m tired and I think my parents are tired. I haven’t spent quality time with my mum in ages, because she used to be a SAHM and her life revolved around my sister and I, and being a housewife. Moving out could definitely help set a boundary so that our interactions involve quality time.

My mum does this thing with my sister where she brings up a problem she has way after the fact. It makes my sister feel terrible.

My sister, a week ago, who has her own place but comes to visit on the weekends: Mum, I’m going to dog sit for a friend this weekend so I’ll be staying over at hers

Mum: OK

My mum today: we have a dog here and you’re going to sit someone else’s dog? I can’t even go away and have a weekend for myself because I have to watch him. He doesn’t even want to go for a walk more than 100 metres!

Sister starts feeling guilty and anxious and has a panic attack. I get that my mum is sick of having to look after the dog and is annoyed, but my sister told her she was going to dogsit a week ago, and my mum said nothing about going away this weekend.

I thought my emotional regulation problems were just an innate thing, although I reckon if my parents could regulate their emotions and communicate better, it would’ve been a bit easier on my end.

My mum grew up in a household where her parents fought and her mum in particular cannot regulate her emotions and often goes from 0 to 100 in an instant. If this woman says anything and you disagree, she throws a fit. She has no self-awareness whatsoever.

But I hope that if I ever have kids, I break this cycle. I fear I’m already too much like the bad parts of my parents. It’s not on.