That shit scarred me, and I think was a major contributor to an anxious-preoccuppied attachment style as an adult. A lifetime of being put on a pedestal from the recognition I was bright and a novel thinker, and then the judgment when I inevitably goofed something up left me with a deep -rooted belief that the true me was unworthy and an inevitable fuck up. “Taniwha is an intelligent and capable person, if only he would stop being such a fuck around.” I learned not to trust myself because inevitability I’d do something impulsive, or miss some social queue, or not stay with the program, which made me very Other-focused and wanting to do the “right thing” so I didn’t let everyone down again.
Every single report card and evaluation I’ve ever received was full of back handed compliments pointing to a moral failing. “… if only he just completed his homework on time,” “… needs to stay focused,” “… too much time socialising with/distracting his neighbour.”
“Lots of potential … If only …” Never enough.
Fuck you. That was the thing I was born to struggle with. How many stupid kids got sent home with report cards that said things like, “John’s a hard worker and attentive student. He has a lot of potential, but he needs to work on not being stupid.”
Parents: “Johnny. You NEED to stop being so stupid in class, and start being smarter or you’re going to need Canada’s most disciplined ditch digger.”
To this day, an accomplished academic, a variable professional, and kind person I still freak out inside when someone gets excited about me. I keep falling into relationships with avoidants because trying to please someone who I’ve let down is just about all I know.
It’s… torture. Its unfair. Honestly being told that by so many people is kind of why I gave up for such a long time. If I ever tried again at all. All that same ‘reinforcement’ and ‘feedback’ thrown this way and I just got so tired of hoping to not disappoint people that I gave up and just stopped trying. If I was going to disappoint them anyway I might as well do it without torturing myself in the process, right?
I’m glad you pushed through. It’s difficult as hell and to do it on your own and keep pushing, especially here in Canada where mental health supports are severely lacking? I don’t know you but I’m proud of you.
That shit scarred me, and I think was a major contributor to an anxious-preoccuppied attachment style as an adult. A lifetime of being put on a pedestal from the recognition I was bright and a novel thinker, and then the judgment when I inevitably goofed something up left me with a deep -rooted belief that the true me was unworthy and an inevitable fuck up. “Taniwha is an intelligent and capable person, if only he would stop being such a fuck around.” I learned not to trust myself because inevitability I’d do something impulsive, or miss some social queue, or not stay with the program, which made me very Other-focused and wanting to do the “right thing” so I didn’t let everyone down again.
Every single report card and evaluation I’ve ever received was full of back handed compliments pointing to a moral failing. “… if only he just completed his homework on time,” “… needs to stay focused,” “… too much time socialising with/distracting his neighbour.”
“Lots of potential … If only …” Never enough.
Fuck you. That was the thing I was born to struggle with. How many stupid kids got sent home with report cards that said things like, “John’s a hard worker and attentive student. He has a lot of potential, but he needs to work on not being stupid.”
Parents: “Johnny. You NEED to stop being so stupid in class, and start being smarter or you’re going to need Canada’s most disciplined ditch digger.”
To this day, an accomplished academic, a variable professional, and kind person I still freak out inside when someone gets excited about me. I keep falling into relationships with avoidants because trying to please someone who I’ve let down is just about all I know.
My shrink said that this is basically the reason why full grown adults break down crying when they receive their diagnosis.
Basically they’re discovering that they’re not lazy pieces of shit.
It’s… torture. Its unfair. Honestly being told that by so many people is kind of why I gave up for such a long time. If I ever tried again at all. All that same ‘reinforcement’ and ‘feedback’ thrown this way and I just got so tired of hoping to not disappoint people that I gave up and just stopped trying. If I was going to disappoint them anyway I might as well do it without torturing myself in the process, right?
I’m glad you pushed through. It’s difficult as hell and to do it on your own and keep pushing, especially here in Canada where mental health supports are severely lacking? I don’t know you but I’m proud of you.
…but how do you keep yourself from torturing yourself for disappointing yourself?