Recently our 17-year-old daughter introduced her boyfriend to us over dinner. He came with another girl which we initially thought was a common friend. No, that was actually his other girlfriend. Super nice girl, very pretty. That dinner was awkward to say the least. My husband already doesn’t like him due to this whole poly thing. I just don’t understand how our daughter could be okay with this, no matter how good the guy may be.
I don’t have kids but I’m happily living in a poly marriage and can probably answer some questions.
It’s a real thing and believe it or not, for some people it just works. Some people just aren’t jealous in nature and don’t really care about exclusivity.
The only thing of immediate concern I’d look for is making sure they’re using protection or getting tested, because the web of people that slept with eachother increases exponentially with the number of partners.
The next one on the list is making sure it’s ethical (lookup terms: “ethical non-monogamy” or ENM for short). Some do take it as a free pass for cheating. Some get coerced into it because the man wants all the girls for himself. Another toxic trait to watch out for is the “one penis policy” that’s very unfair for a lot of reasons I won’t go into. She needs to willingly be into this and consenting with the whole situation in a way that is fair for her, ie. she should be allowed to get a second boyfriend too if she wanted to. Polyamory is not polygamy: all are equal, it’s not for the benefit of the man. All 3 of them showing up at dinner and happy is a good sign though.
Other than that, it’s all good and nothing to worry about. It’s different, but the only thing wrong with it is the stigma really. It can be perfectly healthy and happy, and honestly when done right it can be less dramatic too. There’s some weird heartbreaks that can come with it, but she’ll live through it and make up her own mind about it just like any normal teenage relationship. The worst that can happen is she gets jealous and get a more traditional relationship. In the meantime I’d be supportive and ask good faith questions about it.
Also there’s a decent possibility she’s bisexual, just sayin’.
Let me know if you have any other questions!
If you can handle it, it’s quite liberating honestly. I feel like it brings me and my wife closer because we can just be honest with eachother and talk openly about things.
We watch movies together and gossip about who’s hot. She’s done things I’m not into, I’ve done things she’s not into, and we can talk about it without feeling threatened we might not be good enough. I’m not worried the slightest even when she go hang out with exes. I trust she loves me and will always come back home. None of this has to take away anything from me. If there’s something I can’t provide, she can get it elsewhere, it makes her happy, she’s more happy with me, we’re all happy. I have nothing to gain from her being unhappy and unfulfilled, it would just make her miserable and tension build up in our relationship.
We make it get us closer rather than drive us apart, and we get to be there for all the people we care about.
And by extension, you can have all sorts of atypical relationships. Maybe there’s someone you care about intimately but would never be able to live with. Maybe you have a bestie you get spicy with once in a while. Maybe there’s someone important to you that travels a lot but you like to snuggle up with when they’re in town. Maybe your primary partner has a different libido than you do. Maybe you just like flirting a lot, or enjoy receiving the attention. Maybe you swing both ways and enjoy some variety. I’ve even seen sometimes the boyfriend just likes to jack off with his buddy. I had a roommate I was very cuddly with but never slept with.
It’s not even always about sex but just being more intimate with someone than would be normal for a monogamous relationship. And it doesn’t have to take away from a potential bigger commitment with a primary partner, like a house and kids. It can even be extra support, I’d babysit for a partner to give the parents time together. It comes in all shapes and forms that works for you. As long as it’s done safely and it makes everyone happy in the end, it’s not so bad.