He’s not

“Ask meany thing”?

What are thooooooooose???

Half of these people look like they’re being possessed by Richard Nixon’s ghost

Fantastic username, Ace

Party in the city where the heat is on all night, on the beach 'til the break of dawn

Wlblblmbl mblmb blmvlbdlbl abl mlblbl

I don’t care how they’re picked, you generally shouldn’t feed peppers and spices that you’d use in chili. And never onions, garlic, or grapes regardless of the intended application.

These rules come from the same people who put a slice of cheese on apple pie. “It adds a savory quality to all the sweetness.” Fuck off, it adds the taste of cheese to apple pie. People also like mint and chocolate, maybe you should eat some M&Ms coated in Vicks vaporub

Chili is steaming dog food with too many spices and onions for dogs to eat. If you think your chili tastes better with beans or even cinnamon, then get down with your bad self. Anyone who tells you otherwise is welcome to not eat your chili.

“Syrup doesn’t belong on waffles/french toast”
“Cookies shouldn’t have raisins”
“You shouldn’t put butter on your tortillas”
Fuck all y’all, I’mma eat my food how it tastes good and you can maybe chime in once you got a show on the food network

^I’m a Texan who will eat your chili with or without beans and I approve this message^

I choose to believe that you conceived and birthed your son via parthenogenesis. Based on my belief, please entertain us with the story of the romantic night during which you impregnated yourself.

I fucking love you. Thanks for giving me a nice laugh before turning in for the night.

Mr. Horse. Sometimes Dr. Mr. Horse

About fucking time. What’s the point in having friends if you can’t drunkenly jump from their moving car in the middle of Death Valley during a heatwave? YOLO!

Edit: Apparently the ridiculous scenario and “YOLO” weren’t enough to indicate that this was sarcasm…

Is that actual filly cheese and filly steak?

“Temporarily closed”

I’m sorry, friend. You didn’t deserve to be called that…

They’re grrrrreat!

Piss trickling down on us would be an improvement

“Sure, I knew that voting for Trump meant more and worse genocides including on American soil, but I expected it from him. Seeing a genocide under Kamala Harris’s tenure as not-president made me worry she wouldn’t actually help once she became president. And then I’d be disappointed. Why would I want to possibly be disappointed when I can instead experience horrors that meet expectations?”

- Probably a couple million people who shot their foot with their own cut-off nose as ammunition

I was blown away by the choice, underwhelmed by the experience, amused by the reaction. While I said I’d do it again, the comedy of the novelty will be absent.

"Sorry I missed the meeting that should have been an email, the military fucked up my alarms. Anyway, just send me an email with the tldr. "

Tried some that a friend brought over to a different friend’s apartment. Friend freaked out because his roommate gets upset about strong smells. 7/10, would eat that oddly unpleasant fruit again to ruin another friend’s apartment.

Demon wranglers