I’m glad to hear you’re turning that page, and I hope he chooses to as well. Congrats, and eventually congrats to him.

First I want to apologize somehow I didn’t register “ex”, and parts of my comment therefore made no sense.

Do you feel physically unsafe to confront him? If not, I think you’re within your right to flat out say “you don’t live here anymore and you need to pack now and then leave”.

He’s your ex. Nobody owes (or is owed) any interpersonal relationship from anyone else, nor any favors or support.

You already know all this though.

If you do feel threatened by him, I am always skeptical about involving police, but you have the best angle for that judgement call, maybe you should get on it. I hope there’s space for you to give him a chance not to need that though. Involving the police only due to being timid I think would be an irresponsible play.

Do you have a trusting relationship with any mutual friends that can help you mediate and navigate this?

No matter what you do, it’s going to have to happen, I don’t see any sense in waiting. You need to be able to take care of yourself and move your life forward. There are only so many years you’re alive… Don’t give him another 2.

Oh…

I answered you from my inbox rather than the thread, so I didn’t notice you weren’t the same person I was responding to. I figured Eliza was a character in their novel 🤦.

I guess now I wish I didn’t sound like a chat bot.

Did you do it?

That sounds delicious, was there a certain recipe you used?

Do you have someone you can practice interviewing with? This is just an idea, but maybe you and a friend can slowly warm up to a challenging interview by working on one bit at a time, taking it slow. And I mean slow. Like maybe this weekend you can do an “interview” for a maximum of 5 minutes, and only practice introducing yourself. Then do it again next weekend. If you get comfortable, make it 6 minutes the third week and start talking about your past work. Then 7 minutes and include what you’re seeking out of your future job. Then 8 minutes and have them start to ask challenging questions. Also, this might be horrible advice because I don’t know you and I also hate interviewing! I will say, when you interview, be your authentic self because if they hire you as your inauthentic self, it might not end up being a great fit.

I think I’m missing a puzzle piece on that one 🫠.

I guess I was more wondering what you like about the characters, and what makes you want to be around them. Can you learn things from them and apply them to your life? If you do, then you will be around them when you’re around yourself!

Crap!

Don’t forget to load in tons of water. Be patient with yourself today. Only do what you have to until you’re feeling better.

I hope tomorrow is a fresh start for you!

That’s so kind and awesome of you.

Is it looking like a long term situation?

I hope that when you’re feeling better you can use that time to find a way to get more support. But more than all, I hope you’re feeling better. Lean on your friends, they love you.

You can’t help anyone else if you can’t take care of yourself first. That’s a really hard position to be in, but you have to do it for your benefit and eventually for his too.

In fact, if I found out my lady wanted me out but didn’t flip the switch, I would be pretty upset about the time we lost living in that state. That time could have been spent rediscovering myself or finding my next partner. What a missed opportunity!

Oof… Yeah it is hard to deescalate with a person who is primally furious with you. It was probably really scary for them, and it sounds like they might not have been emotionally intelligent enough to handle it. I’m glad you and everyone are ok.

I’m also in software and, yes, depending on what kind of business you’re in people often have no idea what they want. Do you like reading? One thing that helped me in those situations is Don Norman’s book, the design of everyday things. It helps me get into a big picture mindset.

Can you cultivate the traits you like from the people in the story?

I hope you are able to make the cycle.

It’s hard but you are doing it. Don’t forget to find away to enjoy yourself, is there a friend you haven’t talked to in a long time?

Yuck! Did you you get it taken care of?

I hope it calms down, I cannot even imagine what that must be like. Do you have access to people with experience with this? Support groups, or even one mentor?

I don’t know anything about it. Can you tell me about what you would want to do there and why?

Life doesn’t come with a manual, but it does come with an author for its manual.

I like to keep a small size binder (I hate notebooks because I’m very fickle about organization). Like A5 size with some line ruled paper and some grid paper. I keep some in the back for random notes and extra fill. I use dividers, and the very front page I keep a to-do list of things that really need to happen now. The next page are to-dos that i don’t want to forget but aren’t really critical.

Then I have a section where I keep one page for any major problem in my life. I’ll try to do a root cause analysis. “Just keep asking why”. Then I’ll sort of journal some observations over time until I solve my problem.

These can be as simple as being flustered in the grocery store or as serious as co-parenting problems. You need to know what parts of your life you can control, and harmonize with the parts you cannot.

Then, I have a section of sort of “how-to’s”. Simple things can make a big difference, like what order works best for me to get myself ready in the morning… Like start the water kettle before I wash up and get dressed so I can have my coffee while I make breakfast. A lot of these pages will be written (or rewritten!) after I’m ready to throw away my problem solving pages from the other section.

But on a day by day and hour by hour basis, focus on triage. What can you do for yourself and your people that will have the most impact in the shortest amount of time? What can you do that will bring you a little joy, what can you do that will reduce a little irritation? Then do that.

Would you consider trying a meditation app? A medical professional recently recommended “insight timer”, which has guided meditations and somatic tracking programs and things.

Just a caution, if you do check it out, it will ask you to start a free 7-day trial for their “plus” version, you have to find the “skip” button, and avoid starting the trial so you don’t get charged. I can see how that bit might not be anxiety relieving! But otherwise she had a lot of praise for it. I haven’t tried it myself, but I have it ready to go. I’m in a pretty good place at the moment… I hope I remember it’s there when I need it.