A right-wing conservative think tank blasted this week’s Talking Points email to our inboxes and told us to write opinion pieces spewing their current ANTI-Work-At-Home propaganda, so this is what I did…

Oh look at you, the brains of the operation here. Do you know what the Republicans would have capped it at? NOTHING AT ALL. Do you know why the Democrats can’t deliver the perfect policies you demand? Because they have to fight against the other side tooth and nail to get anything through at all. Do you think the Republicans would be forgiving student loan debt right now? News flash: hell no. Do you have complaints about the way loans are being forgiven, oh of that I have no doubt. Do you know why you have those complaints? Because the Republicans are always chipping away and fighting against at every good thing that happens.

You’d be that spoiled brat whose single mother comes home after working her ass off all day, and throws a fit because she made potato soup again when you wanted hamburgers, wouldn’t you?

I’ve heard they’ve hidden three immeasurably invaluable CS:Go Knife skins throughout the platform, and the first person to find all three will unlock Half-Life 3 and annoint the winner as Gaben 2, God Emperor of Valve and owner of Steam. Also, they get a chocolate factory.

Well goddammit, we’ve got a genuine freedom fighter here in our midst, waging war against the (wink wink nudge nudge) ZIONISTS. Are you a member of the legendary 104th Battalion, the Keyboard Snipers? Or are you part of that new 88th Battalion, the Fighting Dogwhistle Luftwaffles, deploying out of your parents basement?

In his story, his friend’s mother boldly picked mushrooms from her backyard, cooked them into an omelet for the family, but DID NOT EAT the omelet herself.

Nothing would stop her from growing old while continuing this pattern of bold collecting, although a stint in prison might make for an earlier retirement than expected from the foraging scene.