cross-postowane z: https://lemmy.world/post/20240320

**UCS = Used Condom Syndrome

This topic is dedicated to more liberated individuals. ;) Probably many actively dating, attractive women encounter this phenomenon/problem. It is a form of emotional burnout, non-professional, related to dating, that I have observed in myself. Although I refer to the opposite sex, this entry reveals a male homosexual perspective on the issue. You are a larger audience, and in fact, we are interacting with the same sex (for clarification). This phenomenon does not necessarily have to pertain to those who are attracted to men, but for stereotypical reasons, it is more often the group of androsexuals that complains UCS. Women tend to complain more than men (in general), and the sexual strategy of men provides more factors that can trigger UCS in women. At least, I see the logic in this. Important: The issues regarding gays in this article pertain only to male gays, due to the specificity of the topic and the linguistic translation from the original language of this text. In this entry, I would like to invite discussants to reflect on the described phenomenon and engage in constructive dialogue to broaden horizons regarding the issue at hand. If anyone has read or is interested in similar topics, I encourage you to share articles/sources to spread useful information. I also encourage the dissemination of this entry among those who may be interested in the topic; the goal is to gather as many thoughts as possible, which will be helpful in the future—this is mainly what it’s about.** If we consider what burnout is, some of you may come to a similar conclusion—it is emotional burnout related to work. After all, in professional work, we primarily utilize emotional intelligence according to the current mainstream view. Building social and sexual relationships is also a certain kind of “work,” but the capital gained is somewhat more metaphysical. When dating, we essentially work solely on emotions. If in romantic pursuits we derive fewer positive emotions than we invest in developing relationships, a “gap” appears that needs to be patched (if someone is more specific, it concerns obtaining endorphins and other endogenous stimulators of the central nervous system and others). We compensate for such emotional deficits, whether to heal emotional wounds or by falling into psychological pathologies: depression, neurosis, addictions, obsessions… Burned-out individuals (with UCS) probably temporarily become disillusioned with sexual life (just like I sometimes do). They experience humiliation and neglect this area—an area that is part of the basic needs of every human being, as we are created for social life, including sexual life. Primatologists believe that sex serves not only a reproductive role for humans but is also socially important—should anyone want to deny that. Even seemingly more attractive individuals may derive less positive emotional energy from dating. You have a limited number of partners with a similar aesthetic. You take care of your body, your appearance, your clothing—then a guy shows up, even 10 years older, with a different body, and after a preliminary introduction, he primarily asks what excites you the most; he encourages your favorite positions and sexual behaviors. After the first ejaculation, the guy claims he has no more time because work/responsibilities are pressing. It turns out you are just a one-time thing. You feel like a used condom. Women probably do this too, but I don’t know for obvious reasons. Then, little by little, UCS arises—you become a one-time sexual pleasure, and then the other party turns the next person into a prostitute. One such date for most people shouldn’t result in UCS (unless it was a truly terrible date), but negative emotions, wasted engagement, and disappointment accumulate in the brain’s folds. Emotional deficits arise—burnout. In this UCS, I’m not just talking about the drain of energy through unsatisfying intercourse. After all, on dating sites, you have to fend off: old geezers (who might also insult you in comments or gossip about you), people who don’t realize that they repel you, fat people, chain smokers, alcoholics, drug addicts. There are photo scammers, demanding one more, another one. Then you have your phone filled with pictures of every body part because someone supposedly finds that exciting. Some of the solicited photos are definitely circulating on 4Chans, 8Chans, and various NSFW sections… Some are just annoying (they make you their therapist, psychologist, and you don’t know when they’ll stop, and one day they’ll get to the point of asking for a date). Many, if not most, guys don’t know what they want, and the most dangerous ones are the hunting hackers, rapists, sadists, who instill fear and uncertainty in those aware of the threats. Cyber stress related to online dating also adds to the bag of today’s worries and concerns. You have to defend yourself against parasites of sexual satisfaction or other forms of satisfaction. After all, all of this takes an awful lot of time and emotionally drains you, because replying to many people is practically a job. It can also be consuming, and sometimes you can lose track of time. Skilled scammers and trolls know how to ensnare a person in discussion. I’m not saying that such writing only impoverishes and ruins life, but it shouldn’t require so much effort. About 5-8 years ago, there wasn’t as much pathology on dating sites. Now, it’s also unclear how many accounts are real and how many are bots—the theory of the empty internet comes into play. Men are often born actors, hiding their flaws and showcasing their strengths—not all, but there is a certain tendency; ask mothers how wonderful your fathers were before they met your mothers, and what happened afterward (my dad also had abs, and then a Shrek-like belly). There’s also this issue—among gay men, in my opinion, it’s minimal because usually, most take care of themselves and like to be honest. We are generally more expressive than heterosexuals. In a sea of inconveniences, the problem arises of not falling into the other extreme. SFPC – searching for a prince charming. You have to accept certain flaws that you see from the very beginning, because otherwise, you’ll end up going on dates once a month or every six months. We live on the margins of society. We have increased tendencies to develop flaws. Almost all the gay men I know are a bit odd and slightly disturbed—you can’t escape that. Plus, there aren’t many of us. Hence, there is a need for good dating strategies to make this process more balanced. Gay men also often date for the purpose of seeking friendly companionship because it’s harder for us to be friends with heterosexuals. That’s just life. We don’t have it like heterosexuals. For example, I feel increasingly uncomfortable year by year regarding the absence of the entire life sphere called: home and family. Friends at parties mainly focus on flirting and looking for spouses. A gay man talking to a heterosexual feels like a different species. In fact, if I started to introduce heterosexuals to what our world looks like, they might experience such a cultural shock that it would be enough for them to turn around and stop talking to me. You know, media propaganda and colorful activism are not real life. In a group, you don’t have to be just gay to hear insults about yourself. Even living in “enclaves” of gay people (cities with a higher concentration of gay individuals), it’s hard to find someone nice—often they are already “taken” and living in monogamous relationships (people who don’t like to be alone). Open relationships usually look for quick hookups—probably understandable—plus two for one… I’ve had about three more persistent/serious relationship proposals in my life, but those were in the heat of the moment for those individuals. Such things can’t be taken seriously (it mainly concerned distance, lifestyle, and the level of acquaintance ending after one or a few dates). Do you think that over time it doesn’t raise doubts? Our doubts are traitors. Memories also carry their weight. Organized people know that without knowledge, we can’t do much today, which is why this thread was created. Let’s share knowledge about online dating. It would be especially nice if women could weigh in on the topic, as we have a common target group, and gay men probably don’t know much about it and there are few of them/us. I might repay you in the future with other posts that will help you understand men and how to deal with them, because a guy knows more about guys. Share your observations on how to prevent UCS What conversation/screening strategies do you use? Above all, how do you recognize fake accounts and dangerous individuals? I’m not looking for the basics, but rather more advanced advice. For example, I’ve noticed that usually, if I’ve been chatting with someone for over a week before we start meeting, the further relationship is more likely to develop; they tend to be more interesting partners. The guy is often more interested in me, but usually, I have to initiate the next meeting or maintain contact. Now I will continue with my observations for the sake of discussion. Not only about UCS, but that’s like the main theme—really, everything can influence it (sexology is not exact): »Sharing a bed with a partner usually reduces the effect of UCS. I don’t usually feel like a whore afterward. »A few days of intimacy are worth the time spent. At least for me. :D »(Men) Be prepared for the fact that your partner may not always be able to excite you, even if you initially think otherwise. Even initial arousal can quickly fade. Then, forcing such intimacy can further trigger UCS. »Younger doesn’t mean better. On the other hand, don’t focus on chronological age, but rather on biological age and emotional maturity. Many people lie about their age. You can also lie a little for comfort and privacy reasons, but not excessively—maybe 1-2 years. Remember that you’re not going to bed with age brackets, but with a partner. XD »Taking someone’s guy/male gay virginity is not something nice. Some guys like to deflower and treat such sex as a rarity. In my opinion, it’s a bit like leading a nervous boy by his penis. Even arranging a first date with such a guy will be technically difficult—more chatting, more flirting, and a higher chance that he’ll get scared and ghost you. He can behave in various ways. Then, if you don’t like him, you might have a problem because he will most likely fall in love. Unless that’s what you’re counting on. The upside is that you can do whatever you want with such a guy as long as he doesn’t run away. XD »After taking painkillers, you might have weaker sexual experiences. If something hurts, be honest—consider rescheduling the encounter. »Take a look at an atlas of erogenous zones—you’ll be surprised, there’s a lot of it. »(Mainly for men) don’t forget that after the gym or other sports, your muscles are temporarily larger and swollen—you’ll definitely bring joy to the bedroom with that. For clarity, significantly larger—noticeable if someone hasn’t noticed the difference. »If your partner isn’t very active in bed, he’s doing something wrong—he’s not trying, so it’s worth suggesting to him directly and without beating around the bush—tell him straight where to touch, faster, slower, deeper, change positions… Not everyone has the same skills or experience, and you need to learn from each other. I think a maximum of 3 tips per encounter (that’s how I feel numerically) is the limit, so the partner doesn’t feel overwhelmed or dominated. He might just think he’s no good and not suitable for sex. The problem is that if one person is trying hard in bed and the other isn’t, the trying party will feel less loved, you know what I mean. »Young men should be careful of young intelligent women. I’m not describing my experiences here… This is of course less related to dating—but it’s somewhat a consequence. I also know of a situation where one gay guy “ran over” a friend. Love, love, and suddenly we break up—thanks for keeping me for a few years, buddy. Relationships need to be developed in stages and not too quickly. The phenomenon of “running over” someone is interesting because the victims of such relationships are often heterosexual men (at least from my surroundings), and they should have experiences related to UCS. You could call it a breakup and the breakup syndrome, but after a short relationship, we can rather talk about UCS—if the relationship lasted a few months and consisted of several dates. In that case, the affected person should feel less pain from the breakup, humiliation, emotional drain, and overall something like burnout. »If you weren’t satisfied with your partner’s mobility in bed the first time, as trust develops (after overcoming stress), so does their boldness and possibly their engagement. It’s not necessarily a lack of bedroom talent. Courage/boldness isn’t about the absence of fear, but more about overcoming it—it’s more of a fight-or-flight response. Unless someone assimilates new experiences through more sophisticated, rarer mental mechanisms, the process of overcoming environmental stress occurs continuously and always—even during sleep. If you’re someone new in the environment, you represent quite a significant stressor. »Are you tired of seeing pictures of another guy’s “penis”? Haven’t you checked his equipment? Are you too embarrassed to ask? That could be a traumatizing mistake. Sometimes you might be surprised by what people have in their underwear. It’s also information about your partner’s sexual health. Think about the fact that he will want you to take him in your mouth. Will you quickly try to dodge or offend his intimate area? Some things can’t be unseen. Besides, men derive pleasure from showing off their genitals; we like our tents. I don’t know if everyone will agree with me on this, but since there are plenty of them online and you don’t have to ask for these pictures, a certain rush of endorphins comes from such showing off. XD »Easily offended people, a terrible group that preys on others’ guilt. I don’t reconnect with such individuals. Sometimes someone misunderstands something, but that’s why you need to be precise and linguistically resilient—adapt to the listener’s level. »I basically described this in the paragraph above—language barriers also exist among natives. We don’t always know what the recipient’s brain will do with our message. You particularly need to be careful about what men have to convey because, statistically speaking, we are less developed linguistically and interpersonally. »Pranksters. They are everywhere. They waste their own and others’ time. What more is there to add? Trolls do the same, but I’m not a youth linguist. In my opinion, monkeys should be jumping in trees in the jungle, not playing around on Tinder and Grindr. :p When the first absurdities appear in conversations, it’s a good moment to cut off contact, or is the guy just being silly? Write what you think about UCS and how you think one should date to avoid being taken advantage of. How do you communicate, select, and test??? I tried to treat this topic fairly seriously (with a bit of humor). I used a few scientific expressions, but don’t hold me accountable for a scientific style, as this is a casual essay written in my free time. I wrote more about what’s on my mind. Please treat this as an exchange of views and ask your friends what they think. ;)