Around 1.5 weeks ago I had entrance exam for university. I used 1 month I had after school finished to spend more time to prepare for the exam. During that time I ignored my feelings regrding my gender identity which made me feel better at the time but things got worse after finishing exam. I’m desparate for HRT at the moment and I even considered DIY (I’d rather go to endocrinologist before HRT but DIY would allow me to start much sooner). At this point just the idea of living rest of my life as a man makes me feel dread. It’s not any better with clothes. I’ll probably order some feminine clothes, maybe even a wig, just to feel better about myself. Tomorrow I’ll have to wear shirt and pants, had to try them today and for the first time in my life I hated it (before it just made me feel uncomfortable). Time that I spent preparing for exam now feels wasted because I didn’t get any gender euphoria during that time. Even tho I did exam well at the end and I’ll go to university I wanted that didn’t make me feel happy at all because of dysphoria. Everyone else is more happy and excited than me about university. At least I have a session with my therapist soon to talk about all of this. I’ll also talk with my mom about this, didn’t do it yet because of some events that don’t have anything to do with my gender identity. I just hope that everything will go well until I start HRT.
I’d urge you to take a step back and recognize you’re talking about 30 days that you postponed your transition, which is miniscule in the scope of a lifetime, and during those 30 days you did something incredibly productive that will positively impact the rest of your life. Be patient with yourself, and consider that this isn’t an “either/or” scenario. You didn’t trade studying for happiness, you can still find happiness.