I did not expect this to happen. I followed FairyPrincessLucy for a long time, cuz she’s real nice and seems cool.
Time passes and I noticed how I would feel very bad when watching her do stuff. I was like
damn, she so generally okay with her situation. Wish I was too lol
So I stopped watching her.
Just now I discovered another channel, Melody Nosurname
, and I really, really like her videos! She seems very reasonable and her little character is super cute <3
But here too I noticed how watching the vids made me super uncomfortable.
The representation is nice, for sure, and her videos are of very high quality, I can only recommend them (as in - the videos).
I started by noticing
woah, her tshirt is super cute, I wanna have that too!
Then I continue with
heyo her friend here seems also super cool. Damn wish I had cool friends
And then eventually the classic
damn, I wish I were her
At that point, it’s already over. I end up watching another video and, despite my genuine interest in the topic, I stop it in the middle, close the tab and open Lemmy (and here we are).
Finally I end up watching videos by cis men, like Scott the Woz. They are fine, and I end up not comparing myself to them (since I wouldn’t necessarily want to be them). I also stopped watching feminine people in general online, as they tend to give me a very similar reaction. Just like
yeah, that’s cool that you’re mostly fine with yourself, I am genuinely happy for you that you got lucky during random character creation <3
So anyway…
have you had a period like that before?
How did you deal with it?
Do you watch transfem people? Please share your favs! <3
I also like watching SimplySnaps. Her videos are also really high quality, I just end up not being able to watch them for too long before sad hits :(
additional info about me, if anyone cares
I currently don’t take hrt, but I’m on my way. I’m attending psychological therapy with a really nice tharapist here in Germany.
I struggle to find good words to describe how I feel but slowly I find better words for it.
I’m currently 19 and present myself mostly masculine still, while trying to act very nice, generally acceptable and friendly. So kinda in a way which makes both super sweet queer people <3 <3 <3 <3 and hetero cis queerphobes accept me as just another character. (I work at a school with very mixed ideologies, so I kinda have to).
But oh boi do I have social anxiety, even at home with mother…
EDIT: Changed info about SimplySnaps
yeah i totally get this, its something that i deal with quite often, although its not as bad i guess, it can be worse in other ways though. i often get envy from watching other girls, and i get all these feelings of “oh i want to be them”, “i wish i were more like them”, or whatever. sometimes i need to take a break from whatever im watching because i get too distracted by my thoughts and i realize that im not actually watching whatever it is. normally if i change my mindset i can avoid such thoughts, but sometimes i just cant and i just need to avoid things that make me feel bad all together.
however sometimes i feel the opposite, i feel rather inspired to be more like them, and i feel like, wow, if they can do that then so can i, whats stopping me? i rarely do much about it though, i really need to take more action instead of wallowing in my thoughts.
one example of how it can get pretty bad is that i sometimes find myself feeling that way about people in my life, and ill push myself away from them because i just cant handle the thoughts that i have sometimes, i dont really have these thoughts around cis men, in fact i often have the opposite feeling, i feel more fem and such around them, its weird, i dont exactly feel like i fit in in either group, im just in a limbo. i dont always feel this way of course, and having friends that i can relate to and have similar experiences has really helped me overall.
oooh that part about distancing oneself from fem people I really understand.
Some months ago I told one of my best fem friends that I felt really uncomfortable in her presence, and that I felt jealous and envious. She didn’t really get what I way saying, but yeah oof, totally understand you