I just wish I had the desire to make friends or keep them. Every step we take in this world requires other people, and yet the most exhausting thing in this world to me is company. I can’t have a career of any kind because the whole idea of doing a social dance makes me want to vomit. It just isn’t in me.
I’m not depressed, at least I don’t think I am. I don’t really feel sad.
I always wanted to be a musician and I recorded a lot of songs when I was younger. I got pretty good at it even, and then I just stopped one day because I stopped feeling sad. I never shared any of it really. I still play, I just don’t take it seriously or write any more. I want to, because I put so much of myself into it. When I listen to a record I love, all I can do after is dream about making something that someone would love that much, but even if I did I’d never put it out there.
I don’t even know why I typed this out. Your comment just opened me up I guess.
Fuck it. Here’s one of those songs I wrote a thousand years ago.
Thank you for listening to it, and definitely thank you for adding it to your library.
That’s actually how I heard of Elliott Smith. I put a couple songs on mp3.com when I was a teenager and several people compared me to him. I listened and I’ve been hooked since. It’s funny, because after I listened to him his influence poured into everything I did after.
Seriously thank you for listening. For fun, here’s one of my favorites that I ever did. Hope you like it too. I was probably 22 when I did this one.
I’m not depressed, at least I don’t think I am. I don’t really feel sad.
Society equating depression with sadness is a great disservice to the condition. It’s quite common for it to present as just … nothing. An emotional void where you might expect emotions to be. Things that would be expected to make you happy just don’t. Things that would make you sad, the same. Your feelings are depressed in the sense that their impact is just muted across the board.
A lack of motivation is also a very common indicator. You’re just missing the drive to do something because the emotional rewards that you expect to happen when you accomplish your goals just aren’t there.
For me I always liked to describe it as feeling like a tool. You just work as expected when needed. There is no feels, no life, no identy. When needed, you function exactly in the way society expects* and then you get put back into the dark garden shed.
hence also the “Depression doesn’t look like Depression”
Yeah that describes me pretty well, but I’m not bummed. I mean, not really.
I don’t know. I could use therapy, but I must not have been honest enough because through my drug rehab program I was in therapy and they decided that I didn’t need it any more. They said that if I felt like I did, I could tell them, but I always want to just grab my meds, joke with the doctor, and get out of there.
I don’t know. If I am depressed I’m surviving. I wasn’t surviving before. I was just paralyzed and waiting for death. I felt like a living thing though without having to think about it, but I didn’t want to be a living thing. Now I do, and my life is objectively a mess but I’m doing better than I ever have, so it’s hard to say I’m depressed when I’m doing better than ever.
Life is a challenge, and that sucks because so far for me, it has flown by.
“I’m not depressed, at least I don’t think I am. I don’t really feel sad.”
Definitely sounds familiar to my experience a couple years before my depression diagnosis. I’m not saying that I think you’re depressed, it definitely manifests differently from person to person. For me it feels like a really heavy blanket draped over my mind that holds me down from doing the things I want to, but I am very comfortable underneath that blanket.
Im going to check out your song when I have time later today. I hope you continue making music, we all need something to put ourselves into.
Edit: I just listened to the song, super heart felt and full of emotion. You’ve gotta make time to do more of that.
I just wish I had the desire to make friends or keep them. Every step we take in this world requires other people, and yet the most exhausting thing in this world to me is company. I can’t have a career of any kind because the whole idea of doing a social dance makes me want to vomit. It just isn’t in me.
I’m not depressed, at least I don’t think I am. I don’t really feel sad.
I always wanted to be a musician and I recorded a lot of songs when I was younger. I got pretty good at it even, and then I just stopped one day because I stopped feeling sad. I never shared any of it really. I still play, I just don’t take it seriously or write any more. I want to, because I put so much of myself into it. When I listen to a record I love, all I can do after is dream about making something that someone would love that much, but even if I did I’d never put it out there.
I don’t even know why I typed this out. Your comment just opened me up I guess.
Fuck it. Here’s one of those songs I wrote a thousand years ago.
https://mega.nz/file/c0lkyZiT#MrSCD8ZCK_W5QmU5hekJrhhP-J3tGKUHvpAR748MQ10
There, now I’ve shared one.
I listened. For what it’s worth.
Duuude that song was great! The ending reminded me a lot of Elliott Smith. Loved it and am adding it to my library. Thank you for sharing! :)
Thank you for listening to it, and definitely thank you for adding it to your library.
That’s actually how I heard of Elliott Smith. I put a couple songs on mp3.com when I was a teenager and several people compared me to him. I listened and I’ve been hooked since. It’s funny, because after I listened to him his influence poured into everything I did after.
Seriously thank you for listening. For fun, here’s one of my favorites that I ever did. Hope you like it too. I was probably 22 when I did this one.
https://mega.nz/file/E00nzD7C#DGOB4O51EalvIREhqAepIe98jvrVIeagR8jcPbmNGgk
And now I’ve shared two. :)
Society equating depression with sadness is a great disservice to the condition. It’s quite common for it to present as just … nothing. An emotional void where you might expect emotions to be. Things that would be expected to make you happy just don’t. Things that would make you sad, the same. Your feelings are depressed in the sense that their impact is just muted across the board.
A lack of motivation is also a very common indicator. You’re just missing the drive to do something because the emotional rewards that you expect to happen when you accomplish your goals just aren’t there.
For me I always liked to describe it as feeling like a tool. You just work as expected when needed. There is no feels, no life, no identy. When needed, you function exactly in the way society expects* and then you get put back into the dark garden shed.
Yeah that describes me pretty well, but I’m not bummed. I mean, not really.
I don’t know. I could use therapy, but I must not have been honest enough because through my drug rehab program I was in therapy and they decided that I didn’t need it any more. They said that if I felt like I did, I could tell them, but I always want to just grab my meds, joke with the doctor, and get out of there.
I don’t know. If I am depressed I’m surviving. I wasn’t surviving before. I was just paralyzed and waiting for death. I felt like a living thing though without having to think about it, but I didn’t want to be a living thing. Now I do, and my life is objectively a mess but I’m doing better than I ever have, so it’s hard to say I’m depressed when I’m doing better than ever.
Life is a challenge, and that sucks because so far for me, it has flown by.
“I’m not depressed, at least I don’t think I am. I don’t really feel sad.”
Definitely sounds familiar to my experience a couple years before my depression diagnosis. I’m not saying that I think you’re depressed, it definitely manifests differently from person to person. For me it feels like a really heavy blanket draped over my mind that holds me down from doing the things I want to, but I am very comfortable underneath that blanket.
Im going to check out your song when I have time later today. I hope you continue making music, we all need something to put ourselves into.
Edit: I just listened to the song, super heart felt and full of emotion. You’ve gotta make time to do more of that.