When I (23M) was growing up, my parents hated whenever I locked my door for privacy. Like most adolescent boys, I had a libido and things that I liked to look at when I was taking care of that.
When I was 15, my dad would lean against my door every day to listen in. One day, he heard I was in the middle of it, and as quickly as possible, he picked the lock of my door and caught a glimpse of me watching some pretty crude and wacky rule 34 that was sorta ambiguously gendered. He immediately closed the door and retreated to his room. When I cleaned up and asked why he “knocked,” he said “nothing” with an unsettling smile.
7 years later, when I came out as passionately heterosexual because I finally figured out what my type was, he became very angry and told me I was REALLY a [f-slur], and he could prove it by revealing what he caught me watching all those years ago. I actually thought he would be glad to know how I turned out, but it seems that he, a conservative, was angry that I wasn’t queer.
Recently, my older brother got into my journal with all of my private thoughts. The first thing he read was the dozens of pages of sexual fantasies I wrote down for my sole enjoyment and reference. When I confronted him, he justified his intrusion into my most intimate thoughts with “God told me to do it.” He nitpicked my fantasies and told me that my openness to choosing my gender and sexual expression instead of forcing myself into the cishet box would inexplicably turn me into a pedophile. It seems that 5,000+ unfiltered words exhaustively proving my heterosexuality for strong mature women wasn’t satisfactory.
I’m curious if others have have experienced this dynamic of family members violating someone to “test” their sexuality and look for evidence of deviance, or if this is a complete “WTF” situation that isn’t even a thing among most conservative households.
That’s not normal. I’m sorry you had to go through that mate.
Your parents sound nuts. Sorry you had love with that, dude. I had some different but not all that different stuff as a kid, and therapy has been a really useful tool for unpacking those experiences and turning them into something a bit more useful. Would highly recommend it if you haven’t tried yet. Shit so cash
What has therapy been like for you? I’ve never done therapy before, and I’m kind of worried they’ll try to criticize and gaslight me into playing nice with people who I’m 90% sure are narcissists or try to get me to ignore the limitations that my health problems give me. (But then again, I can’t help but notice that I was socially conditioned to expect shame, punishment, and destructive guidance if I ask for help.)
Bruh. Try therapy. Air those very concerns if you’re worried about them.
The way I like to think about therapy is you’re paying for access to a second brain, a well-trained one, to help you think through stuff. A good therapist guides you instead of leading you.
Yes, therapists actually seem to love it when you tell them about your feelings about therapy.
(But then again, I can’t help but notice that I was socially conditioned to expect shame, punishment, and destructive guidance if I ask for help.)
This.
They’re always gentle in my experience, even when they’re trying to get you to question something you’ve assumed. Maybe they will say you should give people more of a chance, once they get to know your situation. But, if you just say no, worst case scenario they won’t have any other ideas. And I can’t imagine they’d tell you to deliberately hang around a narcissist.
Alternately, a lot of the most useful things they told me are things I hadn’t even considered, so maybe you’ll be surprised.
You are 100% allowed to ask for a different therapist, and tell them honestly what about the first one didn’t work for you.
Think of them as someone you hire, like a construction contractor building a new addition for you. If they do a bad job for your needs, fire them and hire someone else, just like you would if they disregarded your hypothetical missing leg while designing the layout, and gave you lots of stairs. Stairs don’t help you, even if they might be fine or even desired for someone else, just like a therapist who would criticize you or try to gaslight you isn’t helpful to you.
It might take a few tries, but it’s definitely worth it to find the right person if it’s not the first one.
My first ever therapist was super religious, and told me that it was better for me to be bored and vaguely unhappy in my relationship than to be alone (I’m a woman so that’s not the first time I’d heard that drivel…). She also told me I need to at least be spiritual, or I’d never get over my depression (incidentally went away when the relationship did… funny, that…) I was raised without religion, and her comment about my relationship gave me the ick, so I found a different one. And that one was a lot better.
I second the therapy, did wonders having grown up in a very similar environment to you. You definitely need to find the right therapist as the others said. Took me three to find the right one and my wife is on her fifth (but has been with that therapist for a while now).
You need to know what you want out of the therapy and be clear about yourself and willing to do the work. And yes, avoid Christian counselors
The thing with therapists is that you need to find one that works for you, but that also takes experience.
But I think that if you avoid Christian counselors, you’ll more likey avoid that. My experience with Christian ones is that they tend to be more on the side of making you look the part rather than being your true self, since you know, your true self is despicable in the eyes of God and all.
I think it you can afford it, going over these things with a professional can help you work through things or help you identify how that’s affected you in ways you may not have thought.
and remember, you can always change therapists (just avoid changing because they challenge you)
I grew up in a crazy Christian environment, really messed with me for a long time. Go to therapy. You don’t have to stick with the first person you try, and it took me a few to find the right person to just click with. But you’re gonna need to talk this shit out. It’ll be rough, but worth it in the end. A good therapist will listen and ask questions, but they’re not going to make you do anything, least of all make ammends with people who are a bad influence on your life. You got this.
Hell
Yep. Sounds like you grew up in hell.
That sounds pretty fucked tbh.
That’s incredibly controlling behavior from them. The privacy violations are egregious.
It kinda sounds like you’re doing your best to just live your life and that’s what they are so intrusive over. Sounds more like they want you to force yourself to suffer for religion as they have and it pisses them off that you’re doing you (figuratively and literally). I’d guess they are very sexually repressed.
My dad DOES have a tendency to make an unusual amount of phallic jokes, to the point where one day I responded with “You know, it’s okay to be bi, you can just say it” and boy he did NOT like that
That’s not normal behavior for family members
Your brother is likely a pedo. God here - I instruct you to report him and get the police to search his computer
- Fetishizes female submission and powerlessness
- Shows interest in “petite” women almost 2 feet shorter than him
- Values women for how “pretty” they look
- Says the Epstein situation “doesn’t matter”
- Likes to sneak into other people’s private spaces without consent
I gotta hand it to you God, I think you might be onto something
Sounds pretty fucked up to me. Normal people will just accept you for who you are, whatever that is. Well, unless you’re a serial killer or something, but as long as we’re talking about consensual sexual preferences they should stay well out of your stuff.
I grew up hardcore conservative, southern baptist, very anti non-straight etc etc.
What you just described would appall my bible thumbing parents.
My folks found me looking at “objectionable” porn too. They didn’t get weird about it. The old man just talked with me about sexuality and privacy and of course God as well.
My upbringing sucked. And I have a lot of issues with my folks. But what you’re describing went beyond even what I went through, and I thought my folks were fully crazy.
Good luck fam. You’ll be alright.
They used their religion to justify callous behavior and invasions of privacy.
My folks found me looking at “objectionable” porn too. They didn’t get weird about it. The old man just talked with me about sexuality and privacy and of course God as well.
See, religious disagreements aside that sounds like a completely healthy approach. I’m guessing that’s better than most parents manage, regardless of beliefs.
Only religion? The State is 1000x worse in this regard, and it doesn’t need religion.
Yeah, you don’t need the supernatural to fill that particular niche. IIRC people have done questionable things in the name of anarchism as well.
Seems like a strawman argument.
States have used religion and are often driven by it, and incorporate it.
Religion isn’t just worship of an invisible creator, religions exist following men.
Power and the Human Condition are ultimately the cause. Religions, states, all the infrastructure and economy and common ideology… It serves to control the population and ensure power.
A state that co-ops religion or a state that tries to force secularism are still going to do what they’re going to do, it’s the people and their intents.
Religion, government… They’re all tools that can be used depending on the people in charge.
Do we need government? Go ahead and debate.
Do we need religion? I’m going to say no, change my mind.
Anyone who thinks the State is not very often also Religion has not visited North Korea, Iran, Russia, or certain parts of the US South
I agree with your message, which seems to confirm mine. How yours makes mine a strawman?
Yeah not a single thing there is normal. You grew up in an unhinged household.
That’s not normal. You were the victim of abuse.
“God told me to do it.”
The first time I heard that as a teenager, I made sure nobody ever felt comfortable saying it around me again.
Some mild stripping, knocked over glassware, and “speaking in tongues” later, sorry god made me do it.
One time some dickweasel in middle of night “invited” themself into my home would not leave bcus “God told them to”
Maybe just me not religious let alone Christian , but if God instructing peops to (go into random strangers homes|invade peops privacy) , dœsn’t seem like very trustworthy person to take advise from !
My brother tried your approach, he got an exorcism as Satan was tempting him, lol.
You were “filled with the holy spirit.” You really couldn’t help it. 🤷♂️
Brother Is just a bully so thats simple. But i wonder why dad was upset op isint gay. I can think of a few reasons and none are good.
In cases like these is always better to want to distance from family. Also 200% prep any woman to before meeting family. I read enough stories that if they hold any animosity they may try bring up anything prove they are right and justify hate.
But i wonder why dad was upset op isint gay.
Every day, my dad liked to call me the f-slur and threaten to kill me or kick me out of the house “if he found out” I was gay. Apparently, I wasn’t in on the joke: in his head, he ALREADY KNEW I was gay, and so his words weren’t meant to prevent me from being gay, but rather to make me terrified of him.
It seems like he was angry because he lost a critical control mechanism over me and desperately sought to bring it back. I will never forget how shocked he looked when he saw me actually happy for the first time in years and I playfully deflected his insults instead of engaging with them. He sort of shut down and became depressed for a couple days before he came up with a new way to control me.
It seems that there is nothing that he and my brother hate more than my genuine happiness. Since they believe that they define who I am, how I feel, and what I am capable of, any feelings I am “not supposed” to feel will be violently crushed by them.
I am not supposed to feel happy.
I think you put it well already. Those people have issues. Try to build as much independence as possible, and run. This has nothing to do with conservatism or religion (other than maybe weaponizing those things), and everything with manipulation and mental illness.
As I said it in another comment: Run, don’t walk. You owe them nothing. But you owe yourself and the good people you met / can meet to live a good life.
Understanding they need to feel this way but you dont need to be part of it is major. That is far more than others your age have been able to do. Find revenge by solidifying that happy life without them. It will remind them how useless they are without any cost to you. Win win.
